Betsy DeVos: Donating More So Our Schools Get Less

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD OF THIS
STEVE BANNON FELLA IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
( BOOING ) EVIDENTLY, HE'S DONALD TRUMP'S--
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: A FRIENDLY CROWD.
( LAUGHTER ) HE IS DONALD TRUMP'S SENIOR
STRATEGIST.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING THAT HE'S THE GUY REALLY RUNNING THE
WHITE HOUSE, BUT I'M NOT SURE I BELIEVE THAT, BECAUSE THERE'S
NO PROOF THAT ANYONE'S RUNNING THE WHITE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
BUT THESE RUMORS .
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THESE RUMORS HAVE GOTTEN UNDER
TRUMP'S-- I WANT TO SAY SKIN.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY HE TWEETED, "I CALL MY OWN SHOTS,
LARGELY BASED ON AN ACCUMULATION OF DATA, AND EVERYONE KNOWS
IT."
YES.
EVERYBODY KNOWS IT.
THAT'S WHAT YOU TWEET AT 7:00 A.M.
THINGS EVERYBODY KNOWS.
I DON'T THINK TRUMP LIKES THIS THING.
SO IF HE DOESN'T LIKE THESE BANNON RUMORS, HE'S REALLY NOT
GOING TO LIKE THIS.
YOU GUYS SEE THE NEW "TIME" MAGAZINE?
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS YET?
IT'S GOT BANNON ON THE COVER.
AND IF YOU'VE GOT CHILDREN IN THE ROOM--
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST, EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT A
MAGAZINE IS.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN GET THEM OUT, BECAUSE HERE
GOES.
RIGHT OVER HERE.
OVER HERE?
OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
GOOD LORD.
HE LOOKS LIKE HELMETLESS DARTH VADER ON METH.
I DON'T KNOW-- I DON'T KNOW IF THIS GUY--
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW IF THIS GUY'S
CALLING ALL THE SHOTS.
IT CERTAINLY LOOKS LIKE HE'S DOING ALL THE SHOTS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, STEVE, STEVE, I JUST-- JUST
QUICK, AND I MEAN THIS, YOU KNOW, SINCERELY.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE EVER WORKED FOR A POWERFUL GUY OR A
TV PERSONALITY BEFORE, BUT THEY KIND OF LIKE TO BE THE ONES ON
THE COVER OF THE MAGAZINE.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE TWO WEEKS INTO THE JOB.
STOP HOGGING THE LIMELIGHT-- OR WHATEVER LIGHT SOURCE THEY'RE
USING FOR THIS PHOTOGRAPH HERE, ALL RIGHT.
A GLOWING CORPSE.
WHATEVER THEY USED.
A ZOMBIE.
TRUMP'S NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.
DONALD'S NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS.
REMEMBER, HIS NEW BEST FRIEND IS VLADIMIR PUTIN.
SO IF TRUMP OFFERS YOU SUSHI, DON'T EAT IT.
HAVE THAT PUT IN A SECURE CONTAINER, PLEASE.
MEANWHILE, WHAT'S THE BIG NEWS.
OH, TODAY, THE SENATE CONFIRMED EDUCATION SECRETARY AND WOMAN
AHEAD OF YOU AT STARBUCKS WITH A REALLY COMPLICATED ORDER, BETSY
DEVOS.
NOW, THERE ARE 100 SENATORS.
SHE GOT THE VOTES OF ONLY HALF OF THEM.
SO HER FIRST ACT IS TO MAKE 50 COUNT AS A PASSING GRADE.
NOW, DEVOS, OUR SECRETARY OF EDUCATION-- HAS NEVER ATTENDED,
WORKED IN, OR SENT HER KIDS TO PUBLIC SCHOOL.
SO HOW DID SHE GET THE NOMINATION?
WELL, THERE'S A TINY CHANCE THAT MONEY PLAYED A ROLE, SINCE
DEVOS' FAMILY GAVE AROUND $200 MILLION TO REPUBLICAN CAUSES,
INCLUDING DONATIONS TO FOUR SENATORS ON THE COMMITTEE
OVERSEEING HER CONFIRMATION.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) OOOH, THAT REMINDS ME OF A MATH
PROBLEM!
"BETSY HAS $200 MILLION.
SHE NEEDS 50 VOTES.
HOW MUCH MONEY CAN SHE GIVE TO EACH SENATOR TO MAKE SURE PUBLIC
SCHOOLS GET LESS?" BUT, WHATEVER-- WHATEVER WHAT
HAPPENS, HAPPENS.
( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERS ) THANK YOU.
PEOPLE, PEOPLE LOVE MATH PROBLEMS.
I'VE SAID IT FOR MANY YEARS.
SO, WHATEVER.
SHE'S NOW BEEN CONFIRMED.
REPUBLICANS PUT EVERYTHING ON THE LINE ON THIS ONE.
THIS WAS THE HILL TO DIE ON.
FOR REPUBLICANS, CLEARLY, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN
GETTING THE RIGHT LEADER FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION, WHICH
TODAY THEY INTRODUCED A BILL TO ELIMINATE.
"CONGRATULATIONS, BETSY.
YOU'RE THE NEW PILOT OF THE "HINDENBERG."
GOT A LIGHT?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

Betsy DeVos: Donating More So Our Schools Get Less

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