Big Furry Hat: Vaping Edition

JON, I UNDERSTAND, UH, YOU ARE ACTUALLY -- IS IT TRUE THAT THIS
SUNDAY AT THE ALL-STAR GAME, THE N.B.A. ALL-STAR GAME, YOU'RE
DOING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM?
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: CONGRATULATIONS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GOING TO JAZZ IT UP OR JUST
THE NATIONAL ANTHEM?
>> Jon: I'LL PUT A LITTLE FLAVOR ON IT.
>> Stephen: GREAT.
GOOD LUCK.
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE OUR DEAR
FRIEND, AND NATIONAL MELANIA TRUMP RESERVE, LAURA BENANTI.
SHE AND HER HUSBAND PATRICK BROWN JUST WELCOMED THE BIRTH OF
THEIR DAUGHTER ELLA ROSE BENANTI-BROWN.
LAURA, WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR YOU AND CAN'T WAIT TO SEE
YOUR FRIEND MELANIA BACK HERE SOON.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
I DID READ THAT WELL.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AS THE HOST OF A TALK SHOW, I'M IN A POSITION OF GREAT POWER.
AND YET, THERE ARE THOSE EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN I.
HISTORY'S MOST FEROCIOUS DESPOTS, LIKE GENGHIS KHAN.
KIM JONG UN, AND KATE MIDDLETON.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, SHE'S RUTHLESS.
THAT HAT CAME RIGHT FROM PRINCE WILLIAM'S SCALP.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL OF US HAVE ONE THING IN
COMMON: ABSOLUTELY NO CONSTITUTIONAL AUTHORITY, AND A
BIG FURRY HAT!
( DRUM CADENCE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, MY PEOPLE.
THANK YOU.
>> STEPHEN: NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MY HEAD, I REALLY FEEL LIKE
GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ANY PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE ARE NOW
AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( DRUM BEAT ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, IF SOMEONE AT A COCKTAIL PARTY
SAYS, "HERE'S SOMETHING INTERESTING...", WHAT THEY SAY
MUST BE SOMETHING INTERESTING.
( APPLAUSE ) THIS YEAR'S OSCARS MUST TRAVEL
BACK IN TIME AND GIVE THE 2006 BEST PICTURE OSCAR TO "BROKEBACK
MOUNTAIN."
( APPLAUSE ) "CRASH" WAS OKAY, BUT COME ON!
( APPLAUSE ) GINGER ALE AND ROOT BEER MUST
HAVE ACTUAL ALCOHOL IN THEM OR BE RENAMED "GINGER DRINK" AND
"BROWN TOO SWEET."
( APPLAUSE ) LET US ALL AGREE THAT VAPING WAS
A PHASE AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FACE IT!
FACE IT!
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE (BLEEP) A ROBOT.
( LAUGHTER ) HENCEFORTH, WHOMSOEVER REMOVES
THE GOOD SCISSORS FROM THE KITCHEN WITHOUT RETURNING THEM
SHALL BE SENTENCED TO MOWING THE LAWN USING THE BAD SCISSORS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IF YOU GET MARRIED IN CLEVELAND,
YOU MAY NOT CALL IT A DESTINATION WEDDING.
YOU MUST CALL IT A LAYOVER WEDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
KIM JONG UN'S NEXT BALLISTIC MISSILE MUST BE FIRED AT THE GUY
WHO GAVE HIM THAT HAIRCUT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
STARTING MONDAY, PRESIDENT'S DAY SALE MEANS THE PRESIDENT IS FOR
SALE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FREE SHIPPING IF YOU'LL ALSO
TAKE STEVE BANNON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SALLY FIELD.

Big Furry Hat: Vaping Edition

Latest Posts