Hamsters - SNL

>> HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG? YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT YOUR
HAMSTERS FOR AN HOUR. >> EVER SINCE WE PUT IN THE NEW
GUYS, THE OLD ONES ARE BEING REALLY MEAN.
>> OKAY, WELL THE LADY AT PETCO SAID THEY MIGHT FIGHT A LITTLE,
BUT THEY'LL WORK IT OUT. >> I DON'T KNOW, MOM.
IT'S PRETTY BAD. >> HE CAN'T GET IT UP.
DID HE TELL YOU THAT? [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU'RE DRUNK. YOU'RE A DRUNK HAMSTER, ALICE.
A DRUNK HAMSTER. >> HOW ELSE COULD I SURVIVE
LIVING IN THIS PATHETIC LITTLE CAGE WITH YOU?
>> YOU WANT A BIG CAGE? GO ON, GO BACK TO HAROLD.
>> OH, AGAIN WITH THE DAMN GUINEA PIG.
>> HE HAS A BIG CAGE. ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU LIKE, ALICE,
BIG EXPENSIVE THINGS? >> MY, IT IS GETTING LATE.
I THINK WE OUGHT TO HEAD ON HOME.
>> YES, THANK YOU FOR THE EVENING.
WE'LL SEE OURSELVES OUT. >> NO, STAY, DINNER IS ALMOST
READY. >> YEAH, IT'S ALMOST BURNT TO A
CRISP. >> IT'S PELLET ROAST, JAMES.
IT'S REFINED. >> NO, WE ACTUALLY DO HAVE A
TOILET PAPER ROLL AT HOME TO GET TO.
>> YES, THANKS FOR THE OFFER. >> I'D LIKE TO OFF HER.
>> WHAT WAS THAT, COWARD? >> I'D LIKE TO OFF YOU.
>> I THINK WE SHOULD GET ANOTHER CAGE.
>> WELL, MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO FEED THEM.
MAYBE THEY'RE JUST HUNGRY. >> I DON'T KNOW.
IT STILL FEELS REALLY TENSE. >> UM, SO, JAMES, WHAT DO YOU DO
FOR WORK? >> WELL, I USED TO BE IN SALES,
BUT NOW I'M MOSTLY WORKING ON PULLING IN THAT SOCK THROUGH THE
OUTSIDE OF THE CAGE. >> OH, THAT'S FASCINATING.
>> WONDERFUL, FASCINATING. WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO BE 12
WEEKS OLD AGAIN, JUST A WIDE-EYED EASILY IMPRESSED
LITTLE FLOOZY. >> NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
>> OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I FORGOT. WE'RE ALL LYING TO OURSELVES
TONIGHT. >> ALICE, PLEASE, WE'RE ALL
NEIGHBORS. I THOUGHT WE MIGHT AS WELL GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER. >> YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET TO KNOW
MY HUSBAND, WOULDN'T YOU, MISS FLUFFY?
YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR BEEDE EYES OFF HIS TAIL.
>> NOT EVERYONE IS AS SICK AS YOU, ALICE.
>> OH, I'M SICK? >> HOW AM I SICK?
>> YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU HOW YOU'RE SICK?
>> TELL ME. TELL ME HOW I'M SICK.
>> YOU'RE SICK BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED, YOU'RE ALWAYS RUNNING ON
THAT WHEEL, TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM SOMETHING, BUT YOU CAN'T
RUN AWAY FROM YOURSELF, ALICE. IT EATS YOU UP INSIDE.
>> I HAD NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE A POET, JAMES, AND HERE I THOUGHT
YOU WERE JUST A QUEER. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, PJ, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
>> TOLD YOU, THAT OLDER ONE KEEPS PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH
THE INGENUE. >> THEY'RE GOING IN CIRCLES AND
I CAN'T TAKE IT. >> WE HAVE TO PUT A STOP TO
THIS. >> ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET A BUCKET.
>> GO AHEAD, HIT ME! >> YOU WANT ME TO HIT YOU?
>> GO ON AND HIT ME. >> YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T
YOU? >> OH, YOU'RE NOT A MAN, WHY
DON'T HIT ME THEN? >> A NICE BLACK EYE TO SHOW YOUR
FRIENDS. >> OH, HE DOESN'T HAVE THE TAIL
TO HIT ME. [ SLAP ]
SEE, THAT WASN'T SO BAD, WAS IT? >> YOU'RE A POISON, YOU'RE
TOXIC, YOU'RE SICK. >> STOP IT, STOP IT, LISTEN TO
YOURSELF. SO MUCH HATRED.
WE HAVE A SHORT TIME ON THIS EARTH BEFORE WE'RE BURIED IN A
NEW BALANCE SHOE BOX. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
WHY CAN'T WE JUST ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY?
>> SHE ATE OUR BABIES, YOU KNOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL EIGHT OF THEM. >> I WAS HUNGRY.
>> OKAY, LET'S GET THE NEWER GUYS OUT OF THERE.
>> OH, SILENCE MOTHER! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PETS!
>> OKAY, YEAH, THESE ARE ALL GOING BACK AND YOU CAN HAVE A
DOG. >> AWESOME, BABY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪♪♪

Hamsters - SNL

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