Happy Valentine's Day (Except Pakistan)

OBVIOUSLY THE BIG NEWS, EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT TODAY
CAME FROM THE WHITE HOUSE WHERE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER
MICHAEL FLYNN, HAS RESIGNED FROM HIS POSITION AFTER ONLY 24 DAYS.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: 24 DAYS!
DID HIS HEALTH INSURANCE EVEN KICK IN?
(LAUGHTER) IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN A
PRESIDENTIAL ADVISER CAN'T LAST AS LONG AS A RELATIONSHIP ON THE
BACHELOR.
APPARENTLY, FLYNN WAS ASKED TO LEAVE BECAUSE HE LIED TO THE
VICE PRESIDENT ABOUT CONVERSATIONS WITH RUSSIA.
BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HE DID SUCH A GOOD JOB LYING, HE'S NOW
NEXT IN LINE TO BE THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY.
YEAH, FLYNN SAID THAT HE'S RESIGNING TO SPEND MORE TIME
WITH HIS LOVED ONES: YOU KNOW, HIS WIFE, HIS KIDS, THE KREMLIN,
THE KGB.
THAT'S NOT THE ONLY STORY COMING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE. EVERYONE
IS TALKING ABOUT THIS PHOTO OF CANADIAN PRESIDENT JUSTIN
TRUDEAU, WHEN HE VISITED TRUMP YESTERDAY.
TAKE A LOOK.
WHY DO I FEEL LIKE EVERY FOREIGN LEADER WHO VISITS THE WHITE
HOUSE HAS TO GO, "YES, MR. PRESIDENT, THEY SEEM LIKE A
TOTALLY NORMAL SIZE TO ME.
NOW CAN WE TALK ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY?"
CAN I SEE THAT PHOTO AGAIN?
LOOK!
THAT'S PROBABLY TRUMP TELLING HIM, "YEP, THIS IS THE
ONE I GRAB THEM WITH."
HE SAID IT, NOT ME!
IT GOT EVEN MORE AWKWARD WHEN TRUDEAU WENT TO GIVE HIM
FIVE AND TRUMP PULLED HIS HAND BACK LIKE THIS, "TOO SLOW,
TRUDEAU."
BUT ON TO HAPPIER NEWS.
TODAY, OF COURSE, WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.
AND IF YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND YOU'RE JUST FINDING OUT IT'S
VALENTINE'S DAY, GUESS WHAT?
YOU ARE NO LONGER IN A RELATIONSHIP.
CONGRATULATIONS!
HERE'S A LAST MINUTE VALENTINE'S DAY TIP THOUGH FOR ALL OF YOU
PROCRASTINATORS OUT THERE: ANY FOOD ITEM CAN BECOME EDIBLE
UNDERWEAR.
AS A LAST-MINUTE GIFT, I'M JUST SAYING.
I'M FIFG YOU ADVICE.
I'M SAYING.
TRY A TORTILLA.
YOU CAN RACK IT, YOU CAN PACK IT.
EVEN THOUGH IT'S A BIG DEAL, HERE, NOT EVERYONE IN THE WORLD
CELEBRATES VALENTINE'S DAY.
IN PAKISTAN, A COURT JUST BANNED THE SALE OF VALENTINE'S DAY
MERCHANDISE,, AND THE HOLIDAY HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY OUTLAWED.
THAT'S BAD NEWS FOR PAKISTANI MEN WHO WERE HOPING TO GET SOME
"ANKLE" TONIGHT.
MAYBE EVEN LITTLE TOUCH OF KNEE.
THE PAKISTANI COURTED THE HOLIDAY CANNOT BE CELEBRATED IN
ANY GOVERNMENT BUILDING.
MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP GOT A BOUQUET OF ROSES FROM HIS SECRET
ADMIRER.
FINALLY, WE WANTED TO TELL YOU, ABOUT OUR FAVORITE VALENTINE'S
DAY STORY THIS YEAR.
BURGER KING LOCATIONS IN ISRAEL OFFERED A VALENTINE'S DAY
ADULTS' MEAL.
TRULY, IT WAS A MEAL THAT CAME WITH A ROMANTIC ADULT TOY.
YOU CAN'T JUST CALL THIS AN ADULTS MEAL.
IT HAS TO BE MORE INVENTIVE THAN THAT.
IT SHOULD BE CALLED A HAPPY ENDING MEAL, OR AN "IN N' OUT
BURGER."
INN OUT BURGER.
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT REALLY COMES IN THIS MEAL?
IT INCLUDES TWO WHOPPERS, TWO FRIES, TWO BEERS, AND A BEDROOM
TOY LIKE A MASSAGER OR A BLINDFOLD.
NOW, ONE WARNING: YOU CAN WEAR THE BLINDFOLD BUT OTHER PEOPLE
WILL STILL SEE THAT YOU'RE EATING YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY
DINNER AT BURGER KING.
CAN WE SEE THAT BOX AGAIN?
LOOK AT THAT!
I MEAN, THE BOX JUST LOOKS LIKE A KID'S MEAL.
BUT THEY'RE PUTTING SEX TOYS IN IT.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
"LOOK DADDY, I GOT A MAGIC WAND!"

Happy Valentine's Day (Except Pakistan)

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