Judging Halo Wars 2 (Judging by the Cover)

Hello, and welcome to Judging By The Cover.
Where we'll be judging...
Halo Wars 2.
By the cover.
And I have to admit, the specific thing that caught my eye about this cover is that it
appears to be a direct inversion of the classic Doom cover.
Instead of a green-suited space marine standing on a small rise being beset by an oncoming
horde of monsters, we have a monster standing on a small rise being beset by an oncoming
horde of green-suited space marines.
In keeping with the switcharound, the background of the image is not a red hellish landscape
but something that space marines might like, in that there is some space, and some ships
like what a marine flies in.
Like the one in the top left that looks a bit like part of a Japanese toilet.
Or a gigantic floating holographic billboard for the Nintendo Wii controller.
A rather out of place element on an Xbox-exclusive game, but not the only out of place thing
on this cover by far.
Observe the sheer weight of unhappiness exuding from the central figure's piglike face as
he realises that the green-suited space marines have all brought guns to what he assumed was
going to be a melee fight.
He got himself all ready for one, got out his giant neon capital M on the end of a stick,
M possibly standing for "Monster army."
Then again, the way he's holding it it looks like a capital E, for "Excited about getting
to whack some guys about with me whacking stick."
But I digress.
Not only did he only bring a whacking stick, he also put on a huge pauldron to defend his
magnificent beard from sword swipes, and an especially chunky jockstrap that vaguely looks
like a happy face to arrest wayward boots to the groin, but now it's all gonna go to
waste as he is promptly shredded by machine gun fire.
Shame, he's obviously very proud of that beard or he wouldn't have worn the vest with the
plunging neckline to properly show it off.
I guess he thinks it draws attention away from his pattern baldness.
Taking a closer look at that weird capital E weapon, the curved handle reminds me somewhat
of an old fashioned flintlock pistol, and that brings it all together - the poor bastard
must have attempted to research human history to prepare for this battle, only got as far
as the Golden Age of Piracy, and assumed things basically continued on like that.
What certainly isn't helping is the sarcasm of his more sensible colleague just behind
and to the right.
"Ohhhh, what's this?" he exclaims, flinging wide his arms in mock surprise.
"The tool-using technology-focused species that invented firearms centuries ago and have
used them in every major conflict since, decided to bring firearms to this battle as well?
Who could possibly have predicted that?
Other than me.
And everyone else you refused to listen to 'cos you spent the last week locked in your
cabin braiding your chin.
You stupid pillock.
Lucky I remembered to bring my special gun that shoots manta rays."
Looking at this bloke's chest armour I wonder if that E or possibly M on the captain's laser
club might actually have been a W all along.
W for "Why didn't you bring a worthwhile weapon, you wanker?"
He's no-one to judge, though, having accidentally worn his spine on the wrong side of his torso.
Oh, and I notice he's got an adorably petite little horn coming out of the top of his helmet.
I guess he's planning to do some charging or head butting, but come on, even if you
manage to penetrate the armour, you're just gonna have a bloke stuck to your head in such
a way that you can't see him but he's got a perfect shot at your buttocks, assuming
you didn't wear them the wrong way round as well.
I think it's fair to say that discipine has somewhat broken down among the monster army
as they're all scattered, running about and criticising each other's beards, but then
you try retaining your composure when you're being pursued by giant fiery robot crabs.
Oh yes, the green armour brigade are the very least of it this morning, they can't have
been the ones who set fire to the rear guard like that.
It was probably that thing that's presently firing rockets at the guys standing right
next to it.
What the hell is that thing?
Looks like a giant robot candle holder.
No wait, it's one of the armoured guys from the front who got sat on by an elephant.
While they were holding their hands up trying to catch the elephant's poo.
Or maybe the fires were set by those giant laser guns on the far right, which are also
presently engaged in blasting something right next to them that's probably supposed to be
their own side.
Though I think this might just have been an honest mistake on the part of whoever set
these up.
They were trying to blast at the pursuing giant robot crabs, but made the frankly understandable
error of assuming that the guns would fire out of the other end.
You know, the end that actually looks like the barrel of a gun.
Actually, if you squint, these guns kind of look like giant robot frogs squatting down
to take a massive squirty dump.
In conclusion it's not a good day to be a giant bearded monster soldier, but let's take
a closer look at the green soldier army, who are presently showing us how it's supposed
to be done.
The essence of a good combat unit is teamwork, after all.
You'll note that, should any member of the green army fancy a can of beer or soft drink,
there's a special dedicated spot on the back of the soldier in front of him where he can
dispose of the ring pull.
Now that's teamwork.
Also, one soldier is helpfully letting the soldier to his left use the crook of his arm
to steady his rifle.
"Better aim for the guy who also has a gun," suggests the first soldier, guiding the barrel.
"The other bloke looks like he's got his own issues todeal with."
Yes, this cover is essentially enforcing the advice my old manager used to give: "Always
work in a team, or giant robot crabs will set fire to your rear guard."
I think he said, 'rear guard', it was hard to tell as they dragged him away.

Judging Halo Wars 2 (Judging by the Cover)

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