Late Show First Drafts: Valentine's Day Edition

WELL, VALENTINE'S DAY IS NEXT WEEK.
AND THERE'S NOTHING GIVING A NICE CARD TO YOUR SPECIAL SOME
ONE.
IT IS THE KIND OF GESTURE THAT SAYS MY OFFICE IS NEAR A
WALGREEN'S.
BUT EVEN THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS HAD TO START
SOMEWHERE.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE
FIRST TRY.
WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT SOME EARLY GREETING
CARD EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT FIRST DRAFTS.
>> NO, NO, STUPID.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, WHENEVER WE DO FIRST DRAFTS I
NEVER DO IT ALONE.
I ALWAYS DO IT WITH SOMEONE TO HELP ME.
LET'S GO OUT HERE AND SEE IF THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME
DO FIRST DRAFTS TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY WANT TO-- ANYBODY?
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SURE, PLEASE.
I WOULD LOVE IT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
COME WITH ME, PLEASE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, PLEASE.
>> PATTY.
>> Stephen: PATTY, PATTY WHAT?
>> SMITH.
>> Stephen: PATTY SMITH, EVERYBODY, SAY I HAD TO PATTY
SMITH.
NOW PATTY, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: DO YOU DRINK?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T DRINK, ALL RIGHT.
>> WELL, YES, I DO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE TO, I CAN DRINK IT I ONLY HAVE ONE.
>> OKAY, YOU HAVE IT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE IT, OKAY, I'LL HAVE THAT, FINE.
THIS TURNED OUT TO BE A GOOD VALENTINE'S FOR ME.
PATTY, WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROSE.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
BEAUTIFUL.
>> Stephen: PATTY, DO YOU HAVE ANY ALLERGIES.
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T HAVE ANY ALLERGIES, HERE IS SOME
CHOCOLATE, DIG IN RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE REAL STUFF, IF YOU WANT A LITTLE CHOCOLATE RIGHT
THERE.
>> I THINK I WILL HOLD OFF.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WELL.
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: I'LL HAVE THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
YOU'RE A REAL ROMANTIC, PATTY.
PATTY, ARE YOU HERE WITH YOUR VALENTINE TONIGHT.
>> YES, HE'S RIGHT OUT THERE IN THE AUDIENCE.
>> Stephen: WHO IS THE GENTLEMEN.
>> ROY.
>> Stephen: CAN WE GET A SHOT OF ROY OUT THERE.
HEY, ROY.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU AND ROY BEEN MARRIED?
>> IT WILL BE 46 YEARS IN JULY.
>> Stephen: 46 YEARS.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THAT'S FANTASTIC.
WHAT I NEED YOUR HELP IS HERE, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN FIRST DRAFTS
BEFORE.
>> I HAVEN'T.
>> Stephen: THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO HOLD THESE AND PLEASE KEEP THEM IN THAT
ORDER.
WHAT I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO LIKE THE MAGICIAN ASSISTANT I WOULD
LIKE YOU HAND ME THE TOP CARD WHEN I CALL FOR THE NEXT CARD.
AND LET'S START NOW.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
SO WHAT WE DO ON FIRST DRAFT, PATTY, IS I READ YOU THE FINAL
DRAFT OF A CARD AND THEN I SHOW YOU WHAT THE FIRST DRAFT WAS.
WHICH WAS NOT AS SUCCESSFUL AS THE FINAL DRAFT, ARE YOU ON
BOARD?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THE JOKE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: EXCELLENT.
HERE IS THE FIRST ONE.
I KIND OF LIKE THIS ONE.
THIS IS A CUTE ONE THAT SAYS, YOU STILL DRIVE ME CRAZY.
ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S NICE.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT, JUST THE TOP ONE PLEASE, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
FIRST DRAFT SAID IF YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE WITHOUT REPLACING
THE BAG ONE MORE TIME, I WILL PUT THE BAG OVER YOUR HEAD WHILE
YOU SLEEP.
WHILE I GOT YOU HERE, THERE WILL PROBABLY BE SOME PEOPLE OUT
THERE WHO AREN'T MARRIED OR THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED.
WHAT IS THE SECRET OF 46 YEARS, PATTY?
>> PERSISTENCE.
>> Stephen: PERSISTENCE.
JUST KEEP GRINDING ON.
KEEP GRINDING ON, NO MATTER WHAT.
EXSLEBTS.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS, I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE HERE.
IT SAYS YOU MAKE MY HEART SKIP A BEAT, BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID,
PLEASE STOP FEEDING ME SO MUCH SAUSAGE. VERY NICE PEOPLE,
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HERE IS A VALENTINE FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY THAT SAYS FRIENDS
MAY COME AND GO BUT A SISTER IS FOREVER.
NICE.
THAT'S SWEET.
SWEET.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE BECKY YOUR MAID
OF HONOR?
DO YOU HAVE BROTHERS AND SISTERS.
>> ONE BROTHER.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE ONE BROTHER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU AN OLDER BROTHER OR YOUNGER BROTHER.
>> YOUNGER BROTHER.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU A BOSSY OLDER SISTER.
>> I WAS.
NO LONGER.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE.
SO HERE'S A NICE ONE IT SAYS ON THIS VALENTINE'S DAY, I GIVE ALL
MY LOVE TO YOU.
OKAY?
VERY SWEET, VERY SWEET, FIRST DRAFT WASN'T QUITE AS GOOD.
FIRST DRAFT SAID ON THIS VALENTINE'S DAY I GIVE HALF MY
LOVE TO YOU AND HALF OF MY LOVE TO THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS, GO
JAGS.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?
>> PROBABLY GO SWIMMING, GO OUT TO LUNCH.
>> Stephen: GO SWIMMING ON VALENTINES, IS THAT TRADITIONAL.
>> INDOOR POOL.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE AN INDOOR POOL.
>> WE BELONG TO A CLUB WITH AN INDOOR POOL.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS LEAK A NICE CLUB, IS THERE A VALENTINE'S
EVENT.
>> NO, TUESDAY, WE GO SWIMMING ON TUESDAY.
>> Stephen: GOT YOU.
THIS ONE SAYS, THIS ONE SAYS ALICE, WILL YOU BE MY VALENTINE.
BUT THIS ONE, THE FIRST DRAFT OF THIS ONE SAID SARAH, WILL YOU BE
MY VALENTINE, I HOPE SO.
OTHERWISE I WILL ASK ALICE.
VERY SPECIFIC.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: DO YOU GUYS HAVE KIDS.
>> WE DO, THREE KIDS, SIX GRAND CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: WOW, ARE ALL THE KIDS MARRIED NOW?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE LOVED ONES THAT YOUR
CHILDREN HAVE FOUND?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: OKAY FRK YOU SAY NO, I WILL JUST CUT IT OUT OF
THE SHOW.
YOU CAN BE TOTALLY HONEST.
HERE'S ONE, IT SAYS YOU'VE GOT THE BIGGEST HEART OF ANYONE I
KNOW, ALL RIGHT.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, SERIOUSLY, THE SAUSAGE IS
KILLING BOTH OF US.
ANOTHER SAUSAGE CARD.
SO IMPORTANT.
THE FIRST SAUSAGE CARD.
CHECK THIS ONE OUT, CLASSIC.
HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME COUNT THE WAYS.
BUT THE FIRST VERSION SAID, I LOVE THEE TWO DIFFERENT WAYS,
THREE IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
WELL, PATTY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, BRING THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND.
BRING THIS TO YOUR HUSKER AND THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND TOO.
PATTY SMITH, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WILL ARNETT.

Late Show First Drafts: Valentine's Day Edition

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