President Trump Prays For His Haters At National Prayer Breakfast

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THAT'S A THURSDAY CROWD.
THAT'S ELECTRIC!
THOSE ARE PEOPLE ALIVE ON THIS PLANET RIGHT NOW.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," FOLKS.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING ON GROUNDHOG DAY!
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THE LATE-BREAKING NEWS, BUT
TODAY, AMERICA'S FOREMOST PSYCHIC RODENT, PUNXATAWNY PHIL
CAME OUT OF HIS HOLE AND INDEED SAW HIS SHADOW.
SO THE BAD NEWS IS SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.
THE GOOD NEWS -- WE HAVE SIX MORE WEEKS!
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP STARTED
HIS DAY AT THE NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE PRAYER BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
PRAYER MEAL OF THE DAY.
TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO SHOW A TENDER SIDE.
>> WHAT I HEAR MOST OFTEN AS I TRAVEL AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE
FIVE WORDS...
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE.
DON'T.
GRAB.
MY.
(BLEEP) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS THAT FIVE?
I KID ABOUT THIS, BUT AS A CHRISTIAN MYSELF, I KNOW
THAT THE NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST HAS BEEN, SINCE
EISENHOWER, A SOLEMN OCCASION AND AN OPPORTUNITY FOR
PRESIDENTS TO BRING PEOPLE OF ALL FAITHS TOGETHER AND SHARE
WHAT IS MOST SACRED TO THEM.
>> BUT WE HAD TREMENDOUS SUCCESS ON "THE APPRENTICE."
AND WHEN I RAN FOR PRESIDENT, I HAD TO LEAVE THE SHOW.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW FOR SURE I WAS DOING IT.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT'S WHEN PRESIDENTS KNOW FOR SURE.
JUST LIKE WHEN PRESIDENT WINK MARTINDALE HAD TO LEAVE "WIN,
LOSE, OR DRAW."
HE JUST KNEW, THAT'S WHEN IT BECAME SERIOUS.
OF COURSE, THE REST IS HISTORY.
>> AND THEY HIRED A BIG, BIG MOVIE STAR, ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER, TO TAKE MY PLACE.
AND WE KNOW HOW THAT TURNED OUT.
THE RATINGS WENT RIGHT DOWN THE TUBES.
IT'S BEEN A TOTAL DISASTER.
AND I WANT TO JUST PRAY FOR ARNOLD, IF WE CAN, FOR THOSE
RATINGS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM
CORRECTLY.
YOUR EARS DO NOT DECEIVE YOU.
THE PRESIDENT USED THE NATIONAL PRAYER BREAKFAST TO INSULT
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
AND TOMORROW, HE'S GOING TO ROAST ROSIE O'DONNELL AT THE
TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER.
( LAUGHTER ) IN LESS THAN AN HOUR,
GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER HAD A RESPONSE.
>> HEY DONALD, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE SWITCH JOBS?
YOU TAKE OVER TV BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH AN EXPERT IN RATINGS, AND I
TAKE OVER YOUR JOB, AND THEN PEOPLE CAN FINALLY SLEEP
COMFORTABLY AGAIN.
HMM?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OW!
OH!
OH!
DAMN, IS THIS THE WAR OF 1812?
BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE JUST GOT BURNT!
( LAUGHTER ) AND ARNOLD ISN'T THE ONLY WORLD
LEADER TRUMP IS FEUDING WITH.
ON SATURDAY, OUR PRESIDENT SPOKE WITH AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER
AND FRIENDLIEST GUY IN THE SAUNA, MALCOLM TURNBULL AND
LASHED OUT AT TURNBULL ON THE PHONE CALL.
PLEASE DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH AUSTRALIA!
THEY'LL CUT OFF OUR SUPPLY OUR UGGS, KOALA JERKY AND HUGH
JACKMAN.
TRUMP WAS UPSET ABOUT A PREVIOUS AGREEMENT FOR THE U.S. TO ACCEPT
OVER A THOUSAND REFUGEES BEING HELD IN AUSTRALIA, TWEETING, "DO
YOU BELIEVE IT?
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION AGREED TO TAKE THOUSANDS OF ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS FROM AUSTRALIA.
WHY?
I WILL STUDY THIS DUMB DEAL!" WHAT?
DON'T YOU KNOW HUMANITARIAN AID IS NOT A DEAL?
OKAY?
UNICEF DOESN'T GO TO REFUGEE CAMPS AND SAY, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL
TRADE YOU THIS BAG OF RICE FOR YOUR JUICE BOX AND A CAPTAIN
AMERICA PENCIL."

President Trump Prays For His Haters At National Prayer Breakfast

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