Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open

>> WE NOW GO LIVE TO THE DAILY WHITE HOUSE PRESS BRIEFING WITH
PRESS SECRETARY SEAN SPICER. >> SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
FIRST I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE I WILL AM CALM NOW.
I WILL REMAIN CALM NOW AS LONG AS YOU -- SONS OF A -- I'M NOT
GOING TO DO THAT. THAT IS THE OLD SPICY.
THIS IS THE NEW SPICY. I AM TOLD TO CUT DOWN ON THE GUM
CHEWING. I AM NOW LIMITING MY -- MYSELF
TO ONE SLICE A DAY. I WILL ENJOY MY ONE AND ONLY.
AND YOU CAN JUST SIT AND WATCH. I WILL BE BACK TO PICK YOU UP
LATER. NOW I WOULD LIKE TO BEGIN WITH
THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE. 3:00 P.M., PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL
MEET WITH THE LEADER FROM CENTRAL, CENTRAL ASIA.
PRESIDENT -- OH, BOY. AMAGA --
TO DISCUSS REST AND UNREST IN -- KAZAKHSTAN.
SPECIFICALLY, SPECIFICALLY IN IN ADABADA -- ADABADA -- AND
SO WRITE THAT. THEY WILL ALSO JOINED BY HIS
WIFE. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GOING TO TAKE A PASS ON IT. I AM JUST GOING TO CALL HER
CONNIE. ALL RIGHT.
OKAY. DID THAT.
NOW I'M GOING TO OPEN THIS UP FOR QUESTIONS.
AND I AM GOING TO COMPLETELY >> I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE
PRESIDENT INTENDS TO DO NOW THAT THE APPEALS COURT DENIED HIS
REQUEST TO STOP THE TRAVEL BAN? AWE.
>> YOU'RE TESTING ME BIG GUY. IT'S SIMPLE.
IF THE APPEALS COURT WON'T DO WHAT'S RIGHT, PRESIDENT TRUMP
WILL SEE THEM IN COURT. SPECIFICALLY, THE PEOPLE'S
COURT. >> THAT ISN'T REAL.
>> DUH, THAT ISN'T REAL. I'M GLENN.
IT IS REAL, GLENN. IT SAYS THAT RIGHT BEFORE EACH
TAPE, GLENN. THE CASES ARE REAL.
THE RULINGS ARE FINAL. DON'T -- WITH ME GLEN.
NEXT QUESTION, LET'S GO TO THIS TURKEY.
>> THE PRESIDENT HAS SAID THERE SHOULD BE A TEST TO SEE IF
IMMIGRANTS TRULY LOVE AMERICA. WHAT WOULD THAT TEST EVEN BE?
>> EASY AS EXTREME VETTING. >> YEAH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> WHAT DOES IT MEAN? IT MEANS THAT IT IS EXTREME.
SPICY IS GOING TO EXPLAIN IT STOW YOU DUMB BABIES CAN
UNDERSTAND IT. SO I GUESS I WILL WON'T USE MY
BIG WORDS. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO USE MY
DOLLY. READY FOR DOLLY.
SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON.
HERE IT IS HOW IT IS GOING TO GO DOWN.
YOU HAVE YOUR TSA AGENT RIGHT HERE.
AND YOU HAVE BARBIE COMING IN. NICE AMERICAN GIRL.
BACK FROM A DREAM VACATION. WE KNOW SHE IS OKAY, BECAUSE SHE
IS BLOND. AND SO SHE GETS IN.
EASY. WE UNDERSTAND THAT.
PERFECT. NOW, WHO IS UP NEXT?
UH-OH. UH-OH, IT'S MOANA.
WHOA, SLOW YOUR ROLL, HONEY. AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO PAT HER
DOWN. AND THEN WE ARE GOING TO READ
HER E-MAILS. IF WE DON'T LIKE THE ANSWERS,
WHICH WE WON'T. BOOM, GUANTANAMO BAY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO! NEXT QUESTION!
UH YES. YES.
>> EARLIER THIS WEEK YOU SAID THERE WAS A TERRORIST ATTACK IN
ATLANTA. >> YES.
BECAUSE I SAID THAT. YOU WROTE IT.
WHEN I SAID IT WRONG, YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
RIGHT OR WRONG. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE HERE.
OBVIOUSLY I MEANT ORLANTA. >> ORLANDO.
YOU KNOW WHAT! OKAY.
LOOK, THE PROBLEM IS ALL OF THESE TERRORIST
INSTANCES AND INCIDENTS THAT YOU ARE NOT REPORTING ON.
OKAY, I HAVE A WHOLE LIST HERE THAT YOU NEVER EVEN WRITE ABOUT.
NEVER COVERED THEM ONCE. LET'S READ FROM THE LIST OECHLT
KAY, THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE. NOT THE KELLYANN ONE, THE REAL
ONE. OKAY, THE HORROR IN SIX FLAGS.
OKAY. THE SLAUGHTER AT FRAGGLEROCK.
AND THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE DOWN.
OKAY? AND THEN THERE IS THE LIGHT
TERRORISM THIS WEEK WHEN NORDSTROM'S DECIDED TO STOP
SELLING IVANKA TRUMP'S LINE OF CLOTHING AND
ACCESSORIES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OKAY, THAT'S NORDSTROM'S LOSS. BECAUSE THESE ARE HIGH, HIGH
QUALITY PRODUCTS. IN FACT, I AM WEARING ONE OF HER
BANGLES RIGHT NOW. IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
IT IS SHIMMERY. IT'S ELEGANT.
IT IS $39.99. IT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
UNBELIEVABLE. DON'T GET ME STARTED ON HER
SHOES. ALL RIGHT.
THESE BABIES ARE REAL HEAD TURNERS NOW.
WE HAVE A BRAND NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL.
EVERYONE IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT HIM.
HE IS GOING TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS AS WELL AS HERE WE GO.
YEAH! JEFF SESSIONS.
HI. I JUST WANT TO SAY I APPRECIATE
IT, THE FIERCE DEBATE AROUND MY NOMINATION.
LINDSAY GRAHAM CAME IN LIKE A PORCUPINE.
AND THEN MITCH McCONNELL, SWOOP IN LIKE AN ALLIGATOR.
BITE HIS HEAD OFF. AND WE KNOW THERE ARE TWO KINDS
OF CRIME, REGULAR AND BLACK. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. CASE MADE.
CASE MADE, THANK YOU, SECRETARY SESSIONS.
NOW YOU KNOW WE NEED SOME ONE HERE TO BRING BACK LAW AND
ORDER BECAUSE IN PLACES LIKE CHICAGO, THE MURDER RATE IS OVER
80%. 80% OF PEOPLE IN CHICAGO HAVE
BEEN MURDERED AND ARE DEAD. THEY'RE DEAD.
AND THAT'S ON YOU. YOU DID THAT.
>> YEAH, OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M LOOKING AT
THE REAL NUMBERS HERE AND THEY DIRECTLY CONTRADICT EVERYTHING
YOU JUST SAID. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAS?
THAT WAS ME BLOWING AWAY THEIR DISHONESTY.
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS? >> YEAH, UH, JUST MENTALLY
THOUGH, ARE YOU OKAY? >> ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANCE!
LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open - SNL

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