So Much Russian Influence, So Little Time

THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
I AM HAPPY TO BE YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET'S SEE, SO MUCH TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT.
I THOUGHT THE SHOW WAS GOING TO BE ABOUT ONE THING AND THEN THE
OTHER THING HAPPENED.
SO I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE THIRD THING I DIDN'T EXPECT.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS AFTERNOON, WE LEARNED THAT
TRUMP'S SECRETARY OF LABOR NOMINEE AND SUBURBAN DENTIST YOU
MEET AT THE SWINGERS PARTY, ANDY PUZDER, HAS WITHDRAWN HIS
NOMINATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST TO BE CLEAR-- WITHDRAWS HIS
NOMINATION.
JUST TO BE CLEAR.
THIS IS NOT A SCANDAL.
HE SAYS HE JUST WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MICHAELS FLYNN.
PUZDER-- BEAUTIFUL NAME BY THE WAY, PUZDER.
MUSICAL NAME, PUZDER.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
THE C.E.O. OF HARDEE'S AND CARL'S JR., WAS CONTROVERSIAL
FOR MANY REASONS.
HE HAD AN UNDOCUMENTED HOUSEKEEPER, MADE ADS THAT
FAMOUSLY OBJECTIFIED WOMEN, AND CALLED HIS OWN FAST FOOD
EMPLOYEES THE WORST OF THE WORST.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
HARDEE'S EMPLOYEES ARE GREAT.
IT'S THE FOOD THAT'S THE WORST OF THE WORST.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I GOTTA SAY-- OH!
CURLY FRIES AND A COKE.
BUT EVEN WITH ALL THAT, REPUBLICANS WERE STILL ON BOARD
WITH PUZDER UNTIL A TAPE SURFACED OF PUZDER'S WIFE IN
1990 APPEARING ON A TALK SHOW DESCRIBING DOMESTIC ABUSE.
THAT TOOK HIM DOWN.
SO WHO BROUGHT THAT TAPE TO LIGHT?
I MEAN, WHO'S POWERFUL ENOUGH TO TOPPLE A CABINET SECRETARY?
YOU GUESSED IT: OPRAAAAAAHH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, OPRAH.
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU, LADY O. OPRAH CAN DO ANYTHING.
QUICK FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, NO PARTICULAR REASON, OPRAH-- DID
YOU EVER DO ANY SHOWS IN RUSSIA?
BECAUSE WE COULD USE SOME HELP.
WE JUST LEARNED FROM MULTIPLE INTELLIGENCE SOURCES THAT TRUMP
AIDES WERE IN "CONSTANT TOUCH" WITH SENIOR RUSSIAN OFFICIALS
DURING THE CAMPAIGN.
"CONSTANT TOUCH," BY THE WAY, IS ALSO TRUMP'S SECRET SERVICE CODE
NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) "I GOT CONSTANT TOUCH ON THE
MOVE.
CONSTANT TOUCH IS ON THE MOVE.
CONSTANT TOUCH.
CONSTANT TOUCH IS COMING BACKSTAGE.
HIDE THE GIRLS.
CONSTANT TOUCH."
NOW, THIS RUSSIAN REVELATION OBVIOUSLY RAISES QUESTIONS LIKE
"ARE YOU (BLEEP) KIDDING ME?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) AND WHAT?
THIS IS RUSSIA, AMERICA'S GREATEST FOE SINCE WORLD WAR II.
I MEAN, WORSE THAN GLUTEN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, INTELLIGENCE SOURCES ARE
CAREFUL TO SAY THAT THEY HAVE FOUND NO EVIDENCE THAT TRUMP AND
HE RUSSIANS COLLUDED TO STEAL THE ELECTION, BUT...
>> WHERE THERE'S SMOKE...
>> THERE'S A LOT OF SMOKE.
>> THERE'S A LOT OF SMOKE HERE.
>> LOT OF SMOKE.
>> THERE'S A LOT OF SMOKE.
>> Stephen: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "WHERE THERE'S
SMOKE, THERE'S STEVE MILLER BLOWING IT UP TRUMP'S ASS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE DO KNOW THAT TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN
WAS TALKING TO THE RUSSIANS A LOT, AND "THE FREQUENCY OF THE
COMMUNICATION AND THE PROXIMITY TO TRUMP OF THOSE INVOLVED
'RAISED A RED FLAG' WITH U.S.
INTELLIGENCE."
YES, INTELLIGENCE WERE WORRIED THAT ONCE HE GOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE, HE MIGHT RAISE A RED FLAG.
THE REPORT ALSO MAKES CLEAR THAT THESE CALLS ARE DIFFERENT FROM
THE WIRETAPPED CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MICHAEL FLYNN AND
RUSSIA'S AMBASSADOR.
IT IS NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOU HAVE TO SPECIFY WHICH SECRET
POWER YOU'RE DENYING.
"OH, THAT ACT OF TREASON.
TELL YOU WHAT?
LET ME GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT ONE.
NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.
ANYBODY ELSE?
ANYBODY?
HE'S ON THE MOVE.
HE'S ON THE MOVE.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE VEHEMENTLY
DENIES ALL OF THIS.
YESTERDAY, SEAN SPICER WAS ASKED ABOUT RUSSIA'S TIES DURING
AMERICA'S DAILY AFTERNOON SPICEY TIME.
>> CAN YOU STILL SAY DEFINITIVELY THAT NOBODY ON THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN, NOT EVEN GENERAL FLYNN, HAD ANY CONTACT WITH THE
RUSSIANS BEFORE THE ELECTION?
>> I DON'T HAVE ANY-- THERE'S NOTHING THAT WOULD CONCLUDE ME
THAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT HAS CHANGED WITH RESPECT TO THAT
TIME PERIOD.
>> Stephen: YES, THERE IS NOTHING THAT WOULD CONCLUDE
HIM THAT ANYTHING DIFFERENT HAS CHANGED.
( LAUGHTER ) HEARD ME THAT, AND CONCLUDE ASS
OUT OF TALK HE.
( APPLAUSE ) , OF COURSE,, OF COURSE, HUGE
SEAN SPICER FANS.
BIG SEAN SPICER FANS HERE TONIGHT.
, OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY TOOK TO THE TWITTER
TO DEFEND HIS ADMINISTRATION SAYING:
"THIS RUSSIAN CONNECTION NONSENSE IS MERELY AN ATTEMPT TO
COVER UP THE MANY MISTAKES MADE IN HILLARY CLINTON'S LOSING
CAMPAIGN."
( AUDIENCE BOOING ).
>> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, NO, LOOK.
HE'S GOT A GOOD POINT.
BECAUSE IF PEOPLE LEARN ABOUT THE MISTAKES MADE IN HILLARY'S
CAMPAIGN, SHE MIGHT LOSE?
BUDDY, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE TALKING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON.
YOU'RE LIKE THAT GUY WHO'S STILL TALKING ABOUT A BIG TOUCHDOWN HE MADE 20 YEARS AGO.
BY THE WAY, HILLARY WON THE POPULAR TOUCHDOWN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY, OKAY, TRUMP ALSO
CALLED THE STORY "FAKE NEWS," THEN TWEETED THAT
"THE REAL SCANDAL HERE IS THAT CLASSIFIED INFORMATION IS
ILLEGALLY GIVEN OUT BY 'INTELLIGENCE' LIKE CANDY.
VERY UN-AMERICAN!" YEAH, YOU KNOW HOW IT'S ILLEGAL
FOR AMERICANS TO GIVE OUT CANDY.
THAT'S WHY EVERYONE WEARS MASKS ON HALLOWEEN.
HERE'S THE THING: IT CAN'T BE BOTH FAKE NEWS AND AN ILLEGAL
LEAK OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.
"YOUR HONOR, I DID NOT MURDER THAT MAN.
THE REAL CRIMINAL IS WHOEVER FILMED ME STRANGLING HIM."
( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT ALSO HELD A PRESS
CONFERENCE TODAY-- DID YOU SEE THIS?
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
HE HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY BECAUSE IN THE
MIDDLE OF ALL THIS INSANITY, ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER BENJAMIN
NETANYAHU VISITED THE WHITE HOUSE.
AS A COURTESY, TRUMP ASKED HIS STAFF TO PUT A 24-HOUR HOLD ON
RETWEETING NEO-NAZIS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.
THAT'S JUST GOOD MANNERS.
HE'S A LOVELY HOST.
BUT-- IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NECESSARY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE DID NOT-- RIGHT?
BUT HE DID NOT TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY OF THE PRESS
CONFERENCE TO ADDRESS ANY OF THE RUMORS THAT HE'S BEING RUN BY
THE KREMLIN, AND THE TWO HANDPICKED REPORTERS HE CALLED
ON WERE POLITE ENOUGH NOT TO ASK WHETHER OUR COUNTRY IS OVER.
THANK YOU.
SO FAR, TRUMP AND HIS SENIOR ADVISERS HAVE NOT BEEN DIRECTLY
IMPLICATED IN ANY OF THIS.
THE PEOPLE MENTIONED IN THIS REPORT ARE THE FORMER MICHAEL
FLYNN, AND SUMMERTIME TRUMP CAMPAIGN CHAIR
AND MAN WHO KEEPS ROPE IN HIS GLOVE COMPARTMENT, PAUL
MANAFORT.
APPARENTLY, PHONE RECORDS SHOW MANAFORT ON CALLS TO RUSSIA, BUT
MANAFORT DENIES IT SAYING, "THIS IS ABSURD.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS REFERRING TO.
I HAVE NEVER KNOWINGLY SPOKEN TO RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE
OFFICERS.
IT'S NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE WEAR BADGES THAT SAY, 'I'M A
RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICER.'" WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW?
YOU WERE ON THE PHONE!
YOU CAN'T HEAR A BADGE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PAUL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE GUY ON THE OTHER END COULD
HAVE A HAMMER AND SICKLE FACE TATTOO FOR ALL YOU KNOW.
BUT MAYBE MANAFORT REALLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE WAS TALKING TO
RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE OFFICERS.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE EVERY RUSSIAN PERSON YOU TALK TO IS A
SPY.
I MEAN, SOME OF MY CREW MEMBERS ARE RUSSIAN. YOU'VE NEVER WORKED FOR THE RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE, RIGHT?
>> NYET, NYET, STEPHEN.
I'VE WORKED MANY JOBS.
NEVER RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE.
>> Stephen: OH, WHERE DID YOU WORK BEFORE HERE?
>> THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU.
GOOD FOR YOU.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WIN. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A SURPRISE.
YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE A BADGE THAT SAYS, "I'M A RUSSIAN
INTELLIGENCE OFFICER, DO YOU?" >> MY BADGE SAYS, "I AM REGULAR
LADY.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
WELL, THANKS... SORRY.
WHAT WAS YOUR NAME AGAIN?
>> MY NAME?
MY NAME IS KATIE.
KATIE NAME.
LAUGH >> Stephen: KATIE NAME,
EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU, KATIE.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

So Much Russian Influence, So Little Time

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