Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions XX feat. Taran Killam

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FOLKS, IF YOU'RE
REGULAR WATCHERS OF THE SHOW, AS MANY OF YOU KNOW BY NOW, I'M
A CATHOLIC.
SORRY, LADIES.
BUT I CAN'T ALWAYS FIND THE TIME TO GET TO CHURCH AND I REALLY
MISS MY FAVORITE CATHOLIC TRADITION: CONFESSION.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'D LIKE TO CONFESS TO YOU, MY AUDIENCE.
YOU WON'T TELL ANYBODY, RIGHT?
>> AUDIENCE: OF COURSE NOT!
>> STEPHEN: GREAT.
THIS IS "MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS!" ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I DON'T KNOW IF THESE ARE TECHNICALLY
SINS, BUT I DO FEEL BAD ABOUT THEM.
OKAY, WAIT RIGHT THERE.
( ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE.
WHEN SOMEONE SENDS ME A "SAVE THE DATE" CARD, I DON'T EVEN
SAVE THE CARD.
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE BEING AN ADULT, BUT I
WISH ALL MY SHOES WERE STILL VELCRO.
I'M LESS CONCERNED WITH OVERFISHING THAN I AM ABOUT
RUNNING OUT OF GOLDFISH CRACKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE SURE ARE SALTY.
I'M A MAN IN HIS 50S WHO EATS LIKE A MAN IN HIS 20S WHO
DOESN'T PLAN TO MAKE IT TO HIS 30S.
( LAUGHTER ) SOMETIMES I GO TO THE BATHROOM
JUST TO CHECK MY PHONE WITHOUT SEEMING RUDE.
( FLUSHING SOUND ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOMETIMES WHEN I CHECK IN TO A HOTEL, I USE SOME SILLY MADE-UP
NAME-- LIKE "TARAN KILLAM."
>> EXCUSE ME.
THAT IS MY ACTUAL, GOD-GIVEN NAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )Y ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YOU KNOW THAT
SPREADER TRUCK THAT COATS THE HIGHWAY IN A SNOWSTORM?
THAT'S HOW MUCH SALT I PUT ON MY FRIES.
SOMETIMES I BREW A POT OF COFFEE JUST FOR THE SMELL AND EAT A
PINT OF ICE CREAM JUST FOR THE MOUTH.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T SAY "SPOILER ALERT"
BEFORE GIVING AWAY THE ENDING TO A MOVIE.
OR SERVING BAD CLAMS.
( LAUGHTER ) LAST WEEK, I OPENED MY
NEIGHBOR'S MEDICINE CABINET, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WAS DRUNK AND
THOUGHT IT WAS THE DOOR.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK WOMEN LOOK GREAT IN
STILLETO HEELS, BUT IF I WERE A WOMAN AND A MAN ASKED ME TO
WEAR THEM, I WOULD MURDER HIM WITH MY SHOES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WHEN THE TREADMILL ASKS ME TO ENTER MY WEIGHT, I DO...
FROM THAT ONE TIME I HAD MONO IN COLLEGE.
IF YOU WERE ONE OF THE 2,000 AUTHORS I'VE HAD ON MY SHOW OVER
THE YEARS, I DIDN'T READ YOUR BOOK.
( APPLAUSE ) BED, BATH, AND BEYOND ARE MY
THREE FAVORITE LOCATIONS TO HAVE SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) FORGIVE ME, AUDIENCE?
>> AUDIENCE: WE FORGIVE YOU!
>> STEPHEN: THANKS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DAVID OYELOWO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )

Stephen Colbert's Midnight Confessions XX feat. Taran Killam

Latest Posts