Stephen Feels Bad For 'La La Land' And 'Moonlight' People

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME!
( CHEERING ) WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M LA LA LAND...
SORRY, I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( LAUGHTER ) DEAR LORDIE, DID YOU SEE THAT
LAST NIGHT?
THAT WAS THE CRAZIEST ENDING TO THE OSCARS SINCE IT TURNED OUT
HELEN MIRREN WAS KAISER SOZE.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ONLY
WATCHED THE FIRST THREE HOURS AND TWENTY NINE MINUTES OF THE
CEREMONY, SPOILER ALERT, "MOONLIGHT" WON BEST PICTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL.
BUT HERE'S HOW WARREN BEATTY AND FAYE DUNAWAY ANNOUNCED THE
CATEGORY.
>> AND THE ACADEMY AWARD...
FOR BEST PICTURE.
>> YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.
COME ON!
"LA LA LAND."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> STEPHEN: THAT IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH WHEN YOU
KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
IT'S LIKE WATCHING TITANIC, EXCEPT TITANIC ACTUALLY WON BEST
PICTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YEAH, YEAH.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR THE "LA LA LAND" PEOPLE AND THE POOR
"MOONLIGHT" PEOPLE.
IT SHOULD'VE BEEN A GREAT MOMENT FOR AFRICAN AMERICANS, BUT
THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH.
YOU KNOW?
( LAUGHTER ) "HERE'S YOUR OSCAR, BUT SOME
WHITE FOLKS GET TO TOUCH IT FIRST."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DROPPED IT?
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, WHILE
THEY WERE UP ON STAGE, RYAN GOSLING EXPLAINED JAZZ TO THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) DID YOU SEE THAT MOVIE?
SEE THAT "LA LA LAND" MOVIE? >> I SAW IT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU UNDERSTAND JAZZ NOW?
>> I GET IT NOW.
>> Stephen: YOU GET IT NOW.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW IT WASN'T WARREN BEATTY AND
FAYE DUNAWAY'S FAULT.
THE ACCOUNTANT IN THE WINGS GAVE THEM AN ENVELOPE SHOWING THE
WINNER OF THE PREVIOUS CATEGORY BEST ACTRESS, EMMA STONE FOR LA
LA LAND.
YOU HAD ONE JOB, PRICE WATERHOUSE COOPERS!
ONE JOB!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S ALL THEY HAD TO DO!
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: THANK GOD THEY DON'T RUN AN S.T.D. CLINIC.
( LAUGHTER ) "YOU'RE ALL CLEAN, MR. JOHNSON.
HAVE A NICE DAY..... NO, I'M SORRY, EMMA STONE IS CLEAN, YOU
HAVE CHLAMYDIA."

Stephen Feels Bad For 'La La Land' And 'Moonlight' People

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