Substitute Teacher

>>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SETTLE DOWN.
THIS CLASS DONE ALREADY RAN OFF ANOTHER TEACHER!
SO WE GOT YOU A SUBSTITUTE TODAY.
ALSO, WHAT IS THAT SMELL IN HERE?
YOUR CHANGING BODIES ARE PUMPING OUT SO MUCH SWEAT, NOW YOU'RE
TRYING TO COVER IT UP WITH AXE BODY SPRAY.
IT'S NOT WORKING! YOU FAKING LITTLE HOT POCKET!
ANYWAY, YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER IS HERE SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO
THIS DUDE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT UP, FAM? MY NAME IS DALE SWEEZE.
YOU CAN CALL ME DALE. YOU CAN CALL ME SWEEZE.
LET'S TAKE THE "MISTER" OUT OF THE PICTURE.
>> OH, MAN, NOT THIS GUY. >> HEY, LET ME ASK YOU A
QUESTION, MI HOMBRE. YOU LIKE HIP-HOP?
YOU LIKE DOPE BEATS? WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT THE
GREATEST RAPPER OF ALL-TIME ISN'T TUPAC.
ISN'T BIGGIE. IT'S ACTUALLY --
>> SHAKESPEARE? >> IT'S ACTUALLY -- SHAKESPEARE.
>> YEAH, DUDE, WE KNOW. YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST
WELL-MEANING THUG TO TRY AND REACH US THROUGH HIP-HOP.
>> LET ME GUESS. YOU WERE ABOUT TO OPEN YOUR
LAPTOP AND PERFORM A RAP VERSION OF HAMLET'S "TO BE OR NOT TO
BE." >> NO!
>> "TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION."
>> NO. I WASN'T GOING TO DO THAT.
>> OH, WOW. YOU ALREADY RECORDED IT, VERY
SAD. >> THIS IS ACTUALLY NOT
INSPIRING BECAUSE I CAME IN HERE THINKING I WAS THE TEACHER BUT
MAYBE YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BE THE ONES THAT --
>> TEACH YOU? >> DAMN.
>> WE'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS SO MANY TIMES, MAN.
THERE WAS THAT DIVORCE LADY WHO USED HIP-HOP TO TEACH US POETRY.
>> YEAH SXSHLGTS AND THAT WHITE BALLET DANCER FROM LAST WEEK.
>> FIRST WE TAUGHT HER HIP-HOP, THEN SHE TAUGHT US BALLET.
BUT FOR SOME REASON SHE COULD ONLY TEACH US BALLET THROUGH
HIP-HOP. >> NOW I WOULD LOVE JUST LIKE A
QUIET MATH CLASS. >> WELL, LET ME TELL YOU MY
STORY. IT JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU.
>> NOT LIKELY. >> I WENT OUT TO HOLLYWOOD, DID
THE WHOLE ACTORS THING. I WAS OUT THERE FOR OVER SEVEN
WEEKS. YOU KNOW HOW MANY PARTS I GOT?
ZERO. KNOW HOW MANY AUDITIONS I WENT
ON? OVER FOUR.
[ LAUGHTER ] ONE DAY I SAID TO MYSELF, WAIT A
MINUTE, DALE, WHAT IF THE GREATEST PART IN THE GREATEST
MOVIE IS DALE SWEESE IN REAL LIFE?
>> COOL, MAN, BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED TALKING I WROTE DOWN
"WENT TO HOLLYWOOD. FAILED HARD."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHOA, MY MAN.
YOU JUST PUT THE SYSTEM ON TRIAL.
AND SO AM I. WE'RE GOING TO WATCH A MOVIE
TODAY. NOT A MOVIE FOR THEM, A MOVIE
FOR YOU. >> THEM?
WHO IS THEM? AND PLEASE BE SPECIFIC.
>> A LITTLE MOVIE CALLED "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON."
>> WE'VE WATCHED THAT SIX TIMES, IN I KNOW IT BY HEART.
>> LET'S START OVER. SEEMS LIKE YOU B-BOYS AND
HOMEGIRLS GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, RIGHT?
WHAT ABOUT YOU SLUGGER? YOU'VE BEEN PRETTY QUIET OVER
THERE. MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO
KNOW YOU CAN'T READ? >> YOU THINK SHE CAN'T READ?
THIS IS AN AP ENGLISH CLASS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M QUIET BECAUSE I'M STUNNED AND EMBARRASSED FOR YOU.
>> OH! >> WHOA!
>> WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
ARE YOU TRYING TO TOUCH THE STUDENTS?
>> I'M TRYING TO TOUCH ALL THESE STUDENTS!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> MAN, GET OUT OF HERE.
>> I WILL GET OUT AND I'M TAKING MY CLASS WITH ME.
FOLLOW ME, SCHOLARS, TO THE FIELDS!
QUESTION EVERYTHING! >> YEAH.
THAT'S A HARD PASS. >> AND IT STILL SMELLS IN HERE,
YOU CLAMMY LITTLE BOOGERS! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Substitute Teacher - SNL

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