The Late Show Presents: Presidential Leak-Crets

AS WE ALL KNOW, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS REALLY MAD
ABOUT THE LEAKS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE THAT PAINT AN UNFLATTERING
PICTURE OF INCOMPETENCE AND CHAOS.
THERE ARE EVEN TWITTER FEEDS THAT CLAIM TO BE STAFFERS INSIDE
THE ADMINISTRATION, LIKE ALT DOJ.
ROGUE POTUS STAFF.
ALT DEPARTMENT OF STATE.
AND ALT NATIONAL PARK SERVICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.
IF IT'S TRUE, IT'S SHOCKING STUFF.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO BELIEVE IT.
THE IDEA THAT A HIGH-RANKING GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL WOULD BE ON
TWITTER IS JUST LAUGHABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW""
WILL NOT BE OUTLOOKED.
I HAVE FOUND AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE WILLING TO ILL-SPAY THE
EAN-BAYS ON NATIONAL TV IN MY NEW SEGMENT "LATE SHOW
PRESIDENTIAL LEAK-CRETS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
"LATE SHOW PRESIDENTAL LEAK-CRETS."
NOW, TO PROTECT HIS IDENTITY, WE HAVE DIMMED THE LIGHTS OF THE
STUDIO, AND PROTECTED HIS OR HER VOICE, AND PUT HIM OR HER BEHIND
A SCREEN, ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, UNNAMED SOURCE.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: I SEE THEY'VE DISGUISED YOUR VOICE.
>> YES, THEY HAVE.
HOLD ON.
I'LL TURN OFF MY VOICE MODULATOR, AND YOU CAN HEAR WHAT
I REALLY SOUND LIKE.
(DEEPER PITCHED) THIS IS MY REAL VOICE.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO TECHNICAL, BUT ON THE INSIDE,
WE'RE SAYING IT'S 100%, 24/7 BONKERS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO THAT'S AN
EXCLUSIVE.
CAN YOU GIVE ME SEVERAL EXAMPLES?
>> FIRST OFF, THE PRESIDENT DOESN'T KNOW HE'S SIGNING ALL
THESE ORDERS.
STEVE BANNON JUST PUTS PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM AND SAYS HE NEEDS
AN AUTOGRAPH FOR A KID NAMED "ED... ED-ZECUTIVE-ORDER."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WOW, THAT IS
SHOCKING.
THAT IS SHOCKING.
( APPLAUSE ) DOES TRUMP-- I CLAP WHEN I'M
SHOCKED, TOO.
I CLAP WHEN I'M SHOCKED, TOO.
DOES DONALD TRUMP-- THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT ONE-- ASK DONALD
TRUMP HAVE A SECRET RELATIONSHIP WITH RUSSIA?
>> YES, HE DOES, BUT IT'S PURELY PHYSICAL.
IT'S NOT EMOTIONAL AT ALL.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
OH, AND THE PRESIDENT'S SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME IS
BARBIE-HANDS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
OKAY, GOOD TO KNOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELL, ANONYMOUS LEAKER,
ANONYMOUS LEAKER, WHAT IS MELANIA'S CODE NAME?
>> HER CODE NAME IS "SHE DESERVES BETTER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I'VE HEARD INSIDERS ARE WORRIED ABOUT GIVING DONALD
TRUMP THE NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES.
>> THEY ARE.
SO THE PENTAGON INSTALLED A "NUCLEAR LAUNCHING COMPUTER"
ESPECIALLY FOR TRUMP, BUT IT'S JUST AN ATARI 6600.
SO FAR, HE THINKS HE'S DEFEATED CHINA, MEXICO, AND THE SPACE
DONKEY KONG.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT TRUMP'S INNER CIRCLE, STEVE BANNON,
STEPHEN MILLER?
DO THEY HAVE AS MUCH POWER, AS THE LEAKERS SAY?
>> YES, THEY DO, BUT STEVE BANNON DOES HAVE A WEAK POINT.
HE'S VULNERABLE TO ATTACK WHEN HE'S SCAMPERING FROM HIS OLD
SHELL TO A BIGGER ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND STEPHEN MILLER IS ALLOWED TO
ROAM THROUGH THE WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT AT NIGHT EATING ALL THE
MICE HE CAN CATCH.
>> Stephen: SO, IS THE TRUMP FAMILY PLAYING A BIG ROLE IN HIS
ADMINISTRATION?
>> WELL, ERIC TRUMP HAS BEEN LOST IN THE AIR VENTS FOR WEEKS,
( LAUGHTER ) BUT WHEN WE DO HEAR HIM, HE
SOUNDS HAPPY.
>> Stephen: FOR WEEKS?
HOW DOES HE SURVIVE?
>> AGAIN, MOSTLY ON MICE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK, THE RUMORS ABOUT THE MOSCOW
HOTEL THING, ARE THOSE TRUE?
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK IN WITH MY INTERNATIONAL CONTACT,
MONSIEUR RENARD.
BONJOUR!
BONJOUR!
C'EST VA!
JE SUIS MONSIEUR RENARD!
MONSIEUR RENARD, IS THE PEA THING REAL?
>> OUI, OUI!
>> MONSIEUR RENARD, IS THE PEE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU, TOO.
( APPLAUSE ) UNNAMED SOURCE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KELLY RIPA!

The Late Show Presents: Presidential Leak-Crets

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