The One Bathroom Privilege Trump Won't Take Away: Toilet-Tweeting

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE
TONIGHT.
MOST OF YOU PROBABLY HAD RESERVATIONS TO GO TO CPAC.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, CPAC IS THE ANNUAL CONFERENCE OF
CONSERVATIVES.
ALSO, THE NAME OF TUPAC'S REPUBLICAN COUSIN.
AND THIS IS THE FIRST CPAC SINCE THE FRACTIOUS ELECTION AND,
RIGHT OFF THE BAT, THE MODERATOR TRIED TO BRING EVERYBODY
TOGETHER.
>> WE DECIDED TO SAY THAT EVERYBODY IS A PART OF OUR
CONSERVATIVE FAMILY.
>> STEPHEN: YES, EVERYONE'S PART OF THE FAMILY, BUT, PLEASE,
PRETEND BRIAN IS JUST YOUR ROOMMATE --
FOR GRANDMA.
IT'S NOT WORTH EXPLAINING.
LET'S SEE.
WHAT DO YOU CALL HIM, CHIEF STRATEGIST STEVE BANNON WAS
THERE -- ( AUDIENCE BOOING )
-- ALONG WITH WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF
STAFF AND MOUSE THAT JUST LANDED IN THE CAGE OF YOUR PET SNAKE
REINCE PRIEBUS AND, CONTRARY TO WHAT IS TRUE, PRIEBUS AND BANNON
GET ALONG JUST FINE.
>> WE SHARE AN OFFICE SUITE TOGETHER.
WE ARE BASICALLY TOGETHER FROM 6:30 IN THE MORNING UNTIL ABOUT
11:00 AT NIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: "AT WHICH POINT, STEVE HAS INSTRUCTED ME TO LOCK
HIS DOOR AND NOT LET HIM OUT NO MATTER WHAT HE SCREAMS OR HOW
DESPERATELY HE HOWLS."
( LAUGHTER ) AND BANNON REALLY SEEMED TO
GENUINELY PRETEND TO LIKE PRIEBUS.
>> HIS JOB IS, BY FAR, ONE OF THE TOUGHEST JOBS I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE.
TO MAKE IT RUN EVERY DAY, AND TO MAKE THE TRAINS, AND YOU ONLY
SEE THE SURFACE.
>> STEPHEN: OOH, SO CLOSE TO SAYING "MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON
TIME!" DID YOU SEE THAT?
SMOOTH.
HE PULLED OUT OF THAT.
HE CAUGHT HIMSELF BEFORE HE WENT FULL MUSSOLINI.
NOW BANON JUST HAS TO RESIST TALKING ABOUT HIS "KAMPF."
( LAUGHTER ) AND BANNON MADE A PREDICTION FOR
TRUMP'S ONGOING WAR WITH THE MEDIA --
>> IT'S NOT ONLY NOT GOING TO GET BETTER, IT'S GOING TO GET
WORSE EVERY DAY.
EVERY DAY.
EVERY DAY IT IS GOING TO BE A FIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: FUN FACT: THOSE -- WERE ALSO STEVE BANNON'S WEDDING
VOWS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW, IS THAT TRUE?
IS IT TRUE?
I HAVE BEEN TOLD.
YEAH.
>> Jon: OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THINGS GETTING WORSE,
LAST NIGHT, DONALD TRUMP SAID TRANSGENDER STUDENTS CAN'T USE
THE BATHROOMS THEY WANT TO USE.
HE'S GOING TO CHECK WHAT THEY'VE GOT DOWN THERE OR SOMETHING, I'M
NOT SURE.
BUT WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
IF THERE'S ONE THING TRUMP IS FAMOUS FOR, IT'S TELLING PEOPLE
WHERE TO PEE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NOW, THE WEIRD THING IS THAT, ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, TRUMP WAS
COOL WITH WHATEVER.
>> SO IF CAITLYN JENNER WERE TO WALK INTO TRUMP TOWER AND WANTED
TO USE THE BATHROOM, YOU WOULD BE FINE WITH HER USING ANY
BATHROOM SHE CHOOSES?
>> THAT IS CORRECT.
>> STEPHEN: WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE I'M GUESSING, RIGHT NOW,
A LOT OF TRANS PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO TAKE A DUMP IN TRUMP'S LOBBY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THAT IS JUST FINE.
HE'S FINE WITH IT.
CORRECT.
( PIANO RIFF ) THE BEST -- (MIMICKING
PRESIDENT TRUMP) ONLY THE BEST.
THIS ISN'T THE ONLY OBAMA ACTION TRUMP'S ROLLING BACK.
HE'S GOING TO REPEAL THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT, RESCIND
ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS.
HE'S ALREADY REPLACED MICHELLE'S VEGETABLE GARDEN WITH A SANDBOX
FULL OF ONION RINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) WOULDN'T YOU LOVE?
JUST DO A BACKSTROKE IN THERE?
NOW, ACCORDING TO THE ADMINISTRATION, THIS WASN'T
ABOUT PERSECUTING ANY GROUP, IT WAS STRICTLY A LEGAL CONCERN.
>> THE PRESIDENT HAS MAINTAINED FOR A LONG TIME THAT THIS IS A
STATES' RIGHTS ISSUE.
>> STEPHEN: OH, GROW A PAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) IS THERE A MORE COWARDLY PHRASE
THAN "THIS IS A STATE'S RIGHTS ISSUE?"
"HONEY, DO I LIKE MY NEW HAIRCUT?"
"UUMMM... I THINK I'M GOING TO LEAVE THAT DECISION UP TO THE
STATES."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WAS CONTROVERSIAL, EVEN
WITHIN THE ADMINISTRATION.
EDUCATION SECRETARY AND CHUNKY NECKLACE VICTIM BETSY DEVOS
INITIALLY RESISTED SIGNING OFF ON IT BECAUSE OF THE POTENTIAL
HARM THAT RESCINDING THE PROTECTIONS COULD CAUSE
TRANSGENDER STUDENTS.
BUT ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS, WHO HAS OPPOSED
EXPANDING TRANSGENDER RIGHTS, PUSHED MS. DEVOS TO RELENT.
"COME ON, BETSY, THEY WON'T LET ME DISCRIMINATE AGAINST BLACK
PEOPLE.
JUST GIVE ME THIS ONE."
( LAUGHTER ) I NEED SOMETHING!
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JEFF SESSIONS FANS.
JEFF SESSIONS FANS.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: HUGE JEFF SESSIONS FANS HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) ULTIMATELY, TRUMP SIDED WITH
SESSIONS, AND, WHEN DEVOS WAS FACED WITH THE ALTERNATIVE OF
RESIGNING OR DEFYING THE PRESIDENT, SHE AGREED TO GO
ALONG.
( AUDIENCE BOOING ) SO BETSY DEVOS KNEW IT WOULD
HARM CHILDREN AND DID IT, ANYWAY, TO SAVE HER JOB.
HOW DOES SHE SLEEP AT NIGHT?
I'LL LET THE STATES DECIDE.

The One Bathroom Privilege Trump Won't Take Away: Toilet-Tweeting

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