Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat

>> VALENTINE'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
SMOOTH TRANSITION. HERE ARE SOME TIPS ON HOW TO
MAKE IT A SPECIAL NIGHT, A GUY WHO JUST BOUGHT A BOAT.
>> HOW ARE YOU, MAN? >> I'M GREAT.
YOU ARE LOOKING VERY DAPPER, MAN.
TRES DAP. THE DAP KING.
DAP KING COLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M JUST KIDDING, MAN. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
EVERYBODY GETS A LITTLE. SO, V-DAY.
LET'S GET INTO IT. FIRST OFF, YOU GOT TO GET THAT
RES, DOG. >> I'M SORRY, WHAT?
>> SHORT FOR RESERVACHE'. [ LAUGHTER ]
A LOT OF PEEPS ARE GOING TO SAY THAT ON V-DAY YOUR GIRL IS GOING
TO WANT SOME SUSH' IN HER BOOSH' --
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I BEG TO DIFF' YOU ARE GONNA
WANT TO SPRING FOR A STEAK DIN'. M'KAY, SOMETHING WITH BLOOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] ANYWHERE WITH A FIREPLACE, A
COAT CHECK AND A LATER MAITRE D' WITH ASS FOR DAYS.
I HAVE A SMALL PENIS -- [ LAUGHTER ]
UH -- ONCE YOU LOCKED DOWN THAT RES,
IT'S ON TODAY DE FLEUR, AKA, THAT'S FRENCH FOR FLOWERS.
I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT LONG STEMMERS, BOYS.
NOTHING DROPS THE SLINGSHOT LIKE A DOZEN REDHEADS.
PRO-TIP SEND A DOZEY' IMPORTS TO HER OFFICE, EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF HER CO-WORKERS IS GOING TO BLOW HER LEVIS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BLOW THEIR LEVIS?
[ SIGH ] >> JOST McBOOSH --
I CAN TELL YOU HAVE NEVER DONE THE V-D RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ] TIP NUMERO TROIS.
LIGHT A BUNCH OF CANDLES ALL OVER YOUR APT, CHICKS ARE LIKE
MOTHS, GUYS. THEY GO CRAZY FOR FLAMES, MY
JUNK SUCKS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M SORRY, DIDN'T YOU INITIALLY COME ON TO TALK ABOUT
BOATS? >> GETTING THERE, LASSIE!
YOU KNOW COLLIE, COLIN. COLIN JOST, IT'S YOUR NICKNAME,
BRO. [ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS LOVE TRAIN A-SCOOTING.
[ LAUGHTER ] GOT TO TEACH MY PEEPS TO LAND
HO. I WON'T BE LONG, I HAVE TO BE
SOME WHERE LATER, BUT IT IS NOT ON LAND.
>> IS IT A BOAT? >> A LADY NEVER TELLS.
>> LET ME SAY THIS, I'M ABOUT TO GET NAUGHTY, C OOH.
L. COL.
ALL THESE TIPS ARE WASTED UNLESS THAT ARM CANDY IS NICE AND
SWEET. IF YOU ARE GOING TO TIE YOURSELF
DOWN. >> YOU WANT TO --
>> GUY JUST BOUGHT A BOUGHT, EVERYONE.

Weekend Update: Guy Who Just Bought a Boat - SNL

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