Weekend Update on Donald Trump's Sexual Misconduct Allegations

>> IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE,
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
THIS WEEK WAS FILLED WITH SHOCKING ACCUSATIONS AND RUDE
-- OF MISOGYNY AND CRUDE COMMENTS ABOUT WOMEN, AND THOSE
WERE JUST THE ALLEGATIONS AGAINST KEN BONE.
THE BIGGER STORY THIS WEEK IS THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN
ACCUSED OF A RANGE OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT BY NOW TEN DIFFERENT
WOMEN. BUT THE TRUTH IS, THEY'RE STILL
JUST ALLEGATIONS, THIS IS AMERICA, AND TRUMP IS ENTITLED
TO A DEFENSE. SO LET'S HEAR HIM OUT.
>> WHEN YOU LOOKED AT THAT HORRIBLE WOMAN LAST NIGHT, SHE
WOULD NOT BE MY FIRST CHOICE, THAT I CAN TELL YOU.
>> WOW. THAT WOULDN'T BE MY FIRST CHOICE
FOR A DEFENSE. >> SHE WASN'T YOUR FIRST CHOICE?
THE PROBLEM IS, YOU WEREN'T HER CHOICE, PERIOD.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US? IF YOU FOUND HER MORE ATTRACTIVE
YOU WOULD HAVE GROPED HER? IT'S LIKE TELLING YOUR
GIRLFRIEND, "I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON YOU, BABY.
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY GOOD OPTIONS RIGHT NOW."
AND BY THE WAY, WE'D PROBABLY BELIEVE TRUMP MORE IF WHILE HE
TALKED HE WASN'T GROPING THE AIR THE ENTIRE TIME.
>> TRUMP IS OF COURSE CLAIMING HIS ACCUSERS ARE ONLY COMING OUT
NOW FOR FAME AND PUBLICITY. YES, THAT'S EVERY LITTLE GIRL'S
DREAM, TO BE FOREVER KNOWN AS THE SEVENTH WOMAN GROPED BY
DONALD TRUMP. HE ALSO BELIEVES THESE
ACCUSATIONS ARE PART OF A CONSPIRACY TO RIG THE ELECTION.
ONLY DONALD TRUMP COULD HAVE SEX SCANDALS, NO POLITICAL
EXPERIENCE, POLL AT ZERO PERCENT WITH MINORITIES AND STILL SAY,
"IF I LOSE, IT'S RIGGED." >> AND THEN THIS MORNING, TRUMP
TWEETED, "NOTHING EVER HAPPENED WITH ANY OF THESE WOMEN.
TOTALLY MADE-UP NONSENSE. NOBODY HAS MORE RESPECT FOR
WOMEN THAN ME." NOW OF COURSE WE KNOW WHEN TRUMP
TWEETS, HE SOMETIMES MAKES SOME TYPOS, SO MAYBE LET'S JUST
CORRECT THAT ONE AT THE END FOR HIM.
NOBODY INSPECTS WOMEN MORE THAN ME.
YES, I GOT THAT. AND NOW REPUBLICANS ARE WORRIED
THAT TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN IS TANKING SO HARD THAT THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY
LOSE CONTROL OF THE HOUSE, WHICH COULD BE THE FIRST TIME TRUMP'S
EVER GOTTEN WHITE PEOPLE EVICTED FROM A BUILDING.
>> PRETTY FUNNY TO WATCH REPUBLICANS JUMP OFF BOARD ON
TRUMP NOW. LIKE NOW?
IT TOOK YOU UNTIL NOW? THEY'RE LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO
TELL ME, YOU KNOW WHO'S TALENTED, THAT KENDRICK LAMAR?
YOU THINK? BUT SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT
DONALD TRUMP, HIS SUPPORTERS ARE STICKING BY HIM.
THERE'S STILL WOMEN ON TV STILL DEFENDING DONALD TRUMP.
HOW ARE THESE WOMEN SO FORGIVING OF DONALD TRUMP?
I ONCE REPOSTED A TWERK VIDEO ON FACEBOOK AND MY OWN MOTHER
BLOCKED ME. THERE'S PEOPLE THAT LOVE
DONALD TRUMP SO MUCH THAT THEY'RE WILLING TO OVERLOOK
THESE ALLEGATIONS, AND I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
LOOK, I'M A HUGE FAN OF MICHAEL JACKSON BECAUSE OF
"THRILLER" AND "OFF THE WALL." BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T
ADMIT THAT HE'S DONE SOME TERRIBLE THINGS, TOO.
LIKE THAT "INVINCIBLE" ALBUM. OR THE SONG WITH EDDIE MURPHY.
WHAT WAS THAT? IT WAS ALMOST AS BAD AS THAT
STUFF HE DID TO THOSE KIDS. >> COOL.
MEANWHILE, WIKILEAKS RELEASED ALL THESE E-MAILS FROM HILLARY'S
CAMPAIGN, AND NO ONE'S EVEN TALKING ABOUT THEM, BECAUSE THE
TRUMP STUFF IS SO MUCH MORE RIDICULOUS.
WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT MASTERMIND HACKER JULIAN ASSANGE
WOULD DO LESS DAMAGE THAN "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD'S" BILLY BUSH?
AND NOW THIS WHOLE ELECTION IS LIKE THE MOVIE "UP."
IT GOT REALLY SAD REALLY FAST. AND THE PROBLEM NOW, EVEN IF
HILLARY WINS IN A LANDSLIDE, IT'S NOT LIKE AMERICA'S GOING TO
BE HAPPY, THEY'RE JUST GOING TO BE RELIEVED THAT SHE'S NOT
DONALD TRUMP. THAT'S WHY IT UPSET ME WHEN BILL
CLINTON CAME OUT AND DISMISSED ALL TRUMP SUPPORTERS AS BASIC
RED NECKS. IF WE GO TO WAR WITH RUSSIA NEXT
MONTH, THE PEOPLE WE'RE GOING TO RELY ON TO FIGHT THAT WAR ARE
THE PEOPLE YOU JUST CALLED BASIC REDNECKS.
>> BY THE WAY, BILL, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO BE USING THAT WORD,
BASIC. AND YEAH, IF WE HAVE A WAR, I
DON'T WANT A BUNCH OF SNARKY LIBERALS OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR
ME, WITH THEIR GOOD TASTE AND SKINNY JEANS.
I WANT SOMEBODY THAT DRESSES LIKE JOHN CENA AND LISTENS TO
NICKELBACK AND HAS NEVER MET AN ASIAN.
I'LL CALL LIBERALS WHEN I WANT A POINTED THINK PIECE.

Weekend Update on Donald Trump's Sexual Misconduct Allegations - SNL

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