Weekend Update on Donald Trump's Executive Orders

♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>>> DONALD TRUMP HAS SIGNED 18 EXECUTIVE ORDERS IN HIS FIRST 12
DAYS AS PRESIDENT. NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT, BUT
KEEP IN MIND THAT -- IT IS A LOT.
[ LAUGHTER ] EVERYTHING PEOPLE SAID DONALD
TRUMP COULDN'T DO, HE JUST DOES. HIS SLOGAN SHOULD HAVE BEEN
"YES, WE CAN." YOU CAN'T BAN MUSLIMS.
YES, WE CAN. JUST TWO WEEKS AS PRESIDENT AND
HE'S PUTTING UP WALLS, HE'S KICKING PEOPLE OUT.
TRUMP IS GUT-RENOVATING THE COUNTRY LIKE IT'S A CRACKHOUSE
ON "FLIP OR FLOP." [ LAUGHTER ]
18 IN 12 DAYS? I HAVEN'T SEEN THIS MANY
EXECUTIVE ORDERS SINCE OBAMA MADE 19 IN 12 DAYS.
BUT THAT WAS EIGHT YEARS AGO. BACK THEN IT WAS CRAZY, WE HAD A
BLACK PRESIDENT, IT WAS WEIRD. [ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN THEN, DONALD TRUMP ACTUALLY CRITICIZED OBAMA FOR SIGNING SO
MANY EXECUTIVE ORDERS, BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP
DOESN'T LIKE OBAMA. AND WHEN YOU REALLY DON'T LIKE
SOMEONE, YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THEM MAKE ANY DECISIONS, EVEN IF
IT'S IN YOUR FAVOR. TRUMP COULD SIGN AN ORDER FOR
FREE PIZZA AND PROTESTERS WOULD BE OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE
DEMANDING TACOS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A FEDERAL JUDGE LAST NIGHT TEMPORARILY BLOCKED PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S TRAVEL BAN FROM BEING ENFORCED.
BUT TRUMP'S NOT TOO WORRIED ABOUT IT BECAUSE FOR HIM GETTING
TEMPORARILY BLOCK THE IS JUST FOREPLAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] THE WHITE HOUSE RESPONDED TO
CRITICISM OF THE TRAVEL BAN BY SAYING, "THEY'RE NOT BANNING
MUSLIMS, THEY'RE JUST BANNING PEOPLE FROM SEVEN MUSLIM
MAJORITY NATIONS." WHICH IS SORT OF LIKE SAYING,
"WE'RE NOT BANNING WHITE PEOPLE, WE'RE JUST BANNING PEOPLE WHO
LOVE 'LA LA LAND.'" [ LAUGHTER ]
MAYBE THEY'RE WHITE, WE DON'T KNOW.
>> THEY'RE DEFINITELY WHITE. TRUMP SAYS THE BAN IS TO
PREVENT RADICAL ISLAMIC TERRORISTS IN AMERICA.
FIRST OF ALL, WHAT IS RADICAL ISLAM?
THAT'S TOO SUBJECTIVE OF A TERM. I HAVE A MUSLIM FRIEND.
HE DOESN'T EAT PORK, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE SEX WITH WHITE
WOMEN. NOW, TO ME THAT'S MAD RADICAL.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT HE'S NOT A TERRORIST.
TERRORISM IS THE ACTUAL PROBLEM. WHEN YOU ONLY ASSOCIATE
TERRORISM WITH ONE RELIGION YOU MAKE THEM SYNONYMOUS.
THERE'S 1.7 BILLION MUSLIMS IN THE WORLD.
IF YOU THINK 1.7 BILLION PEOPLE ARE ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL YOU,
MAYBE YOU'RE A LITTLE RADICAL. ALSO, HOW ARE WE EVEN SUPPOSED
TO FIND TERRORISTS IF THE ONLY THING WE KNOW ABOUT THEM IS THAT
THEY'RE ONE OF ALMOST TWO BILLION PEOPLE?
I MEAN, THERE'S TWO BILLION PEOPLE THAT DRINK ALCOHOL AND
ALCOHOL KILLS LIKE 1,000 TIMES MORE PEOPLE THAN RADICAL ISLAM.
BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS, ALCOHOL NEVER HAS A PROBLEM GETTING ON
AN AIRPLANE. BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN'T AFRAID OF
IT. MEANWHILE, IF YOU GOT ON A PLANE
AND SAW A PILOT WEARING A TURBAN YOU'D BE LIKE, "I HOPE HE'S JUST
USING THAT THING TO HIDE BOOZE." >>> WHILE APPEARING ON MSNBC,
KELLYANNE CONWAY DEFENDED PRESIDENT TRUMP'S TRAVEL BAN BY
REFERENCING WHAT SHE CALLED THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE, WHICH IS
A TERRORIST ATTACK THAT NEVER HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ] IN RESPONSE, CONGRESS
IMMEDIATELY LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION INTO
HILLARY CLINTON'S ROLE IN THE BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> IN A PHONE CALL WITH AUSTRALIA'S PRIME MINISTER,
PRESIDENT TRUMP CALLED A PLAN TO ACCEPT MORE THAN 1,000 REFUGEES
FROM THE COUNTRY "A DUMB DEAL." TRUMP THREATENED TO RETALIATE BY
HITTING AUSTRALIA WITH A 20% IMPORT TAX ON HEMSWORTH
BROTHERS. >> DONALD TRUMP'S CALL WITH THE
AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER GOT SO HEATED, HE HAD TO SEND IN
STEVE BANNON TO SMOOTH THINGS OVER WITH THEIR AMBASSADOR.
WHAT? [ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, USING STEVE BANNON TO HELP YOU SMOOTH THINGS OVER?
BUT HONESTLY, IF I GOT A CALL FROM AUSTRALIA TELLING ME TO DO
SOMETHING I DIDN'T WANT TO DO I'D PROBABLY DO THE SAME THING.
IT'S LIKE, IT'S AUSTRALIA, ISN'T IT YESTERDAY THERE?
JUST GO THERE TOMORROW, TELL THEM I DIDN'T SAY THAT TODAY.
>>> ONE INTERESTING THING RIGHT NOW IS HOW MUCH WE'RE LEARNING
ABOUT GOVERNMENT AND THE WORLD FROM TRUMP.
LIKE, BEFORE THIS I NEVER KNEW WHO THE PRIME MINISTER OF
AUSTRALIA WAS BECAUSE OUR PRESIDENT HAD NEVER HUNG UP ON
HIM BEFORE. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE'RE LEARNING WHICH MUSLIM COUNTRIES ARE THREATS AND WHICH
MUSLIM COUNTRIES HAVE TRUMP HOTELS.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'RE EVEN LEARNING ABOUT IMPORTANT HISTORICAL EVENTS THAT
NEVER HAPPENED. LIKE THAT DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN
INFAMY. FEBRUARY 35th, 1900130.
AND WE'RE LEARNING THAT FREDERICK DOUGLASS IS ALIVE AND
WELL. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] AND THAT HE'S DOING AN AMAZING
JOB AND GETTING RECOGNIZED MORE AND MORE, TRUMP NOTICED.
AND WE'RE DEFINITELY LEARNING ABOUT CHECKS AND BALANCES
BECAUSE THIS IS ALL BECOMING A DARK, GRITTY REBOOT OF
"SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK" WHERE A BILL BECOMES A LAW ON ITS OWN TERMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]

Weekend Update on Donald Trump's Executive Orders - SNL

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