Weekend Update on President-elect Donald Trump

>>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE." WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. AND WELL, COLIN?
IT'S OFFICIAL. DONALD TRUMP IS THE NEXT
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. UNITED?
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T WANT TRUMP TO
WIN BUT AS A COMEDIAN IT IS A LITTLE ENCOURAGING.
PEOPLE ALWAYS TELLING ME, "CHE, YOU CAN LOSE YOUR JOB FOR SAYING
THAT." NOW I'M LIKE, "NO I CAN'T."
>> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT HAPPENED. EITHER DONALD TRUMP IS ACTUALLY
A GENIUS OR HILLARY CLINTON HIT A VOODOO PRIEST WITH HER CAR.
[ LAUGHTER ] I DO KNOW THAT THERE HAS NEVER
BEEN TWO MORE UNLIKEABLE CANDIDATES.
NOT ONE TIME IN THIS ELECTION HAVE YOU HEARD ANYONE SAY, "YOU
KNOW, I LIKE THEM BOTH." >> DONALD TRUMP IS NOW THE
OLDEST PERSON EVER ELECTED PRESIDENT AND HAS NEVER HELD A
JOB IN GOVERNMENT. IF YOU'RE 70 AND YOU HAVE NO
EXPERIENCE, YOU COULDN'T GET HIRED AT TARGET.
[ LAUGHTER ] A 70-YEAR-OLD STARTING A WHOLE
NEW CAREER ISN'T HOW PRESIDENT'S SUPPOSED TO WORK.
IT'S THE PLOT OF THE INTERN. [ LAUGHTER ]
A LOT WHICH "ROLLING STONE" CALLED "PURE FANTASY."
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S LIKE IF AMERICA NEEDED
LIFE-SAVING SURGERY AND WE COULD HAVE GOTTEN ONE OF THE WORLD'S
MOST-EXPERIENCED DOCTORS, BUT INSTEAD WENT WITH A GUY WEARING
A HAT THAT SAYS "I'M A GOOD DOCTOR."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> LIBERALS DID NOT SEE THIS COMING BECAUSE WE'RE TOO
SEGREGATED. IT'S LIKE WE FORGET THERE'S
ANOTHER HALF OF THE COUNTRY. I DIDN'T THINK ANYBODY WOULD
VOTE FOR TRUMP, JUST LIKE I DIDN'T THINK "A MADEA HALLOWEEN"
WOULD BE THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA.
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, WHO WOULD CHOOSE THAT?
DEMOCRATS GOT TOO COCKY. THEY WERE LIKE THE WARRIORS
WINNING 73 GAMES. THEY WON SO OFTEN THEY DIDN'T
THINK THEY COULD LOSE AGAIN. BUT THEN THEY GOT THEY ASS
KICKED IN OHIO. >> AND LOOK, I KNOW THAT THIS
OUTCOME SEEMS SHOCKING. BUT REMEMBER, AMERICA IS LIKE
LESLIE JONES. ADDICTED TO WHITE GUYS.
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, SURE FOR A WHILE OUR
FRIEND BARRY GOT US CLEAN AND SOBER FOR EIGHT YEARS.
BUT THEN UNCLE DONNIE ROLLED INTO TOWN WITH A GOLD PLANE AND
A STACK OF CASH AND HE WAS LIKE, ONE MORE HIT OF THE WHITE STUFF
WON'T KILL YA! >> PEOPLE HAVE BLAMED TRUMP'S
VICTORY ON RACISM. I DISAGREE BECAUSE I'M RACIST, I
DIDN'T VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP. [ LAUGHTER ]
I THINK THE ELECTION CAME DOWN TO FEELING SPECIAL.
DONALD TRUMP MADE WHITE GUYS FEEL SPECIAL AGAIN.
HE SPOKE DIRECTLY TO THEM. HE MADE EYE CONTACT.
HE GAVE THEM LITTLE HATS. HE MADE WHITE GUYS FEEL PRETTY.
AND STRONG. HE'S LIKE THEIR BEYONCE.
[ LAUGHTER ] 54% OF WHITE WOMEN VOTED FOR
TRUMP. YOU DON'T THINK THAT HAS
SOMETHING TO DO WITH SEEING THEIR OUT OF WORK, DEPRESSED
HUSBANDS COMING HOME FROM TRUMP RALLIES ALL JACKED UP AND HORNY,
READY TO SEIZE THE DAY? WHAT IS SURPRISING, 30% OF
LATINOS VOTED FOR TRUMP. I ASKED MY MEXICAN FRIEND, HOW
DID YOU VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP? HE WAS.
WHICH RE, I'M MEXICAN -- I'M PUERTO RICAN.
>> HE WASN'T EVEN SURE. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> AND LOOK -- DON'T LOOK AT ME.
HEY, I KNOW THIS SEEMS LIKE A HUGE STEP BACKWARDS FOR OUR
COUNTRY. BUT WE HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT
PROGRESS ISN'T JUST A STRAIGHT LINE UPWARD.
IT'S A WEIRD ROLLER COASTER WHERE SOMETIMES YOU'RE SCREAMING
FOR JOY, OTHER TIMES YOU'RE BARFING IN YOUR OWN FACE.
>> IF ANYTHING, THIS ELECTION SHOWS JUST HOW DISCONNECTED FROM
EACH OTHER. I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS MAP OF
VOTES BY COUNTY. YOU SEE, YOU SEE HOW THE
DEMOCRAT AREAS LOOK LIKE THE METRO PCS COVERAGE ZONE?
[ LAUGHTER ] WE'RE SHARING A BED TOGETHER AND
CONSERVATIVES ALL SPRAWLED OUT IN THE MIDDLE WHILE LIBERALS ON
THE EDGE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY TWEETING.
IF WE WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP TO WORK, WE GOT TO CUDDLE, WE GOT
TO TALK, GET FAMILIAR. YOU CAN'T JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE
IN DESPERATE NEED FOR ATTENTION AND POKE HER IN THE BACK WITH
YOUR PENIS AS YOU SLEEP. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> ON THURSDAY TRUMP WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND SHOWED US HOW
BRAVE HE IS BY MEETING FACE TO FACE WITH THE MAN WHO FOUNDED
ISIS. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YESTERDAY IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
MIKE PENCE WILL LEAD TRUMP'S TRANSITION TEAM WHICH IS WEIRD
BECAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE TRANSITION PENCE SENDS THEM TO
CONVERSION THERAPY. [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, ONE "AWW." DESPITE DONALD TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN
PROMISE TO DRAIN THE SWAMP, MANY OF THE PEOPLE IN LINE FOR HIS
ADMINISTRATION ARE LONG-TIME WASHINGTON INSIDERS AND
LOBBYISTS. BECAUSE EVEN IF YOU DRAIN A
SWAMP, IT'S STILL FULL OF NEWTS, A SLEEPY LITTLE TURTLE, A
HISSING POSSUM, AND A PILE OF WET GARBAGE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU KNOW YOU GOT TO GO BACK TO JERSEY OR SOMETHING.
AND PLEASE, PEOPLE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
LET'S NOT MOURN THE POLITICAL CAREER OF HILLARY CLINTON.
OKAY? SHE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
THIS WOMAN IS A GANGSTER, SHE IS UNBREAKABLE.
THIS IS NOT HER FIRST UPSET. OKAY?
SHE ONCE LOST A PRESIDENTIAL RACE TO A BLACK GUY NAMED
HUSSEIN, AND SHE STILL KEPT FIGHTING.
HILLARY CLINTON IS LIKE ROY JONES JR.
EVERY TIME SHE GETS KNOCKED OUT AGAIN I'M LIKE, "WHY ARE YOU
EVEN STILL DOING THIS?" DO YOU NEED MONEY?
I'LL GIVE YOU MONEY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M HOPEFUL HILLARY CAN FIND SOME TIME FOR HERSELF.
LIKE THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION, SHE WAS ALREADY SPOTTED HIKING
IN THE WOODS NEAR HER HOUSE. WEIRDLY, SHE HAD ALREADY GROWN
OUT A FULL DAVID LETTERMAN RETIREMENT BEARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]

Weekend Update on President-elect Donald Trump - SNL

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