Weekend Update on Russia Blackmailing Donald Trump

>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY? >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
WELL, COLIN, THIS WEEK WE GOT TO EXPLAIN TO OUR PARENTS WHAT A
GOLDEN SHOWER IS. WELL, EXPLAIN IT TO OUR MOMS.
MY DAD WAS LIKE, OH, THE WAR. >> BUZZFEED REPORTED UNVERIFIED
CLAIMS THAT RUSSIA GOT THEIR HANDS ON SOME COMPROMISING
INFORMATION ON DONALD TRUMP TO BLACKMAIL HIM.
BUT THE PROBLEM WITH UNVERIFIED CLAIMS IS NO MATTER HOW
UNVERIFIED THEY ARE, IF IT'S HILARIOUS ENOUGH, PEOPLE WILL
REMEMBER IT AS A FACT. WHICH IS WHY WHEN SOMEONE
MENTIONS RICHARD GERE TO ME, I DON'T THINK "PRETTY WOMAN."
I THINK GERBIL. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> DONALD TRUMP BLAMED INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES FOR
ALLOWING THE RUSSIAN DOSSIER TO LEAK, TWEETING, ARE WE LIVING IN
NAZI GERMANY? OF COURSE NOT.
NAZI GERMANY AT LEAST HAD THE GUTS TO STAND UP TO RUSSIA.
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] >> ON WEDNESDAY PRESIDENT-ELECT
DONALD TRUMP HELD HIS FIRST OFFICIAL PRESS CONFERENCE.
AND LIKE A GOLDEN SHOWER, IT WAS A MESS THAT COVERED EVERYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ] TRUMP ONLY SPOKE FOR EIGHT
MINUTES YET HE SOMEHOW COVERED 4,000 TOPICS.
AND AT THAT POINT IT WAS JOURNEY TO PAPER MOUNTAIN.
TRUMP SAID THAT THE DOCUMENTS WERE EVIDENCE THAT HE'S STEPPING
AWAY FROM HIS BUSINESS. BUT IT LOOKED LIKE EVIDENCE THAT
HE'S A HOARDER. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
HOW DOES HE HAVE THAT MUCH PAPER AND NONE OF IT IS TAX RETURNS?
WE'LL BE IN GOOD SHAPE IF TRUMP DESTROYS ISIS THE WAY HE
DESTROYED TREES. >> SIR, CAN YOU GIVE US A
QUESTION? >> I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A
QUESTION. YOU ARE FAKE NEWS.
>> I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE THAT GUY, BUT DAMN THAT WAS FUNNY.
THE PRESIDENT-ELECT JUST CALLED CNN FAKE NEWS LIVE ON CNN.
AND THE ONLY THING CNN COULD DO BACK WAS SAY, SIR, SIR?
IT WAS LIKE THE DUDE FROM "BLUES BROTHERS."
TRUMP HASN'T EVEN BEEN SWORN IN YET AND HE'S ALREADY MADE
ENEMIES OF THE CIA, THE FBI, AND THE NATIONAL MEDIA.
THAT'S BALLSY. YOU CAN'T JUST COME INTO A
RESTAURANT AND INSULT THE WAITER, THE CHEF, AND THEN SAY,
I WOULD LIKE TO ORDER THE CLAM CHOWDER.
>> FAMILY FEUD HOST STEVE HARVEY MET WITH DONALD TRUMP ON FRIDAY
TO DISCUSS HARVEY'S POSSIBLE INVOLVEMENT WITH HOUSING AND
URBAN DEVELOPMENT. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR
WHAT THOSE MEETINGS SOUNDED LIKE.
WE ASKED A HUNDRED BLACK FOLKS, NAME FIVE THINGS WRONG WITH THE
PROJECTS, SHOW THEM ROACHES. DUDE, YOU'RE A REAL ESTATE
TYCOON. YOU COULDN'T THINK OF ANYBODY
MORE QUALIFIED FOR HOUSING AND DEVELOPMENT THAN STEVE HARVEY?
EVERY DECISION THAT DONALD TRUMP MAKES STARTS WITH THE SENTENCE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS?"
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS WEEK REPUBLICANS BEGAN THE PROCESS OF REPEALING
OBAMACARE EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE NO PLAN READY TO REPLACE IT.
HOW DO REPUBLICANS NOT HAVE A PLAN READY?
THEY'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT FOR SIX YEARS.
IT'S LIKE IF AT THE END OF THE MOVIE
RUDY, THE COACH POINTED TO RUDY TO GO INTO THE GAME AND RUDY WAS
SITTING THERE BLACKOUT DRUNK IN HIS UNDERWEAR, THEN TRIED TO RUN
ON THE FIELD AND TRIPPED AND BROKE HIS NECK, AND CAN'T GET
HEALTH CARE BECAUSE THAT'S A PREEXISTING CONDITION.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> ALABAMA SENATOR
JEFF BEAUREGARD SESSIONS, I LOVE SAYING HIS NAME LIKE THAT, EVERY
TIME I SAY HIS NAME I FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING SUSPENDERS.
ANYWAY, SESSIONS TESTIFIED BEFORE CONGRESS AS PART OF HIS
NOMINATION PROCESS FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL.
THE WHOLE HEARING WAS JUST THE COMMITTEE TRYING TO GET SESSIONS
TO ADMIT HE'S A RACIST WHICH IS RIDICULOUS BECAUSE EVEN IF HE IS
A RACIST, HE'S NOT GOING TO SAY IT.
EVEN KRAMER WALKED OFFSTAGE LIKE, THEY WERE WEIRD TONIGHT,
RIGHT? YOU HAVE TO ASK HIS CLEANING
LADY. THE ONLY PERSON I EVER HEARD
ACTUALLY SAY THAT THEY WERE A RACIST WAS ME.
ONCE TO GET OUT OF THE SHOW. AND ONCE BECAUSE I WAS ON JURY
DUTY. >> IN AN EMOTIONAL CEREMONY,
PRESIDENT OBAMA AWARDED JOE BIDEN THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL
OF FREEDOM AND THANKED HIM FOR HIS DECADES OF SERVICE TO THE
COUNTRY. BIDEN WAS OVERWHELMED AND ALSO
EMBARRASSED BECAUSE THE THANK YOU GIFT HE GOT FOR OBAMA WAS
JUST A HOMEMADE COUPON FOR A BACK RUB.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> THAT'S ADORABLE.
>> ALL THIS WEEK CONFIRMATION HEARINGS ARE TAKING PLACE FOR
DONALD TRUMP'S CABINET NOMINEES. HERE TO QUICKLY SORT THEM OUT
WITH A SEGMENT CALLED "FIRST IMPRESSIONS" IS PETE DAVIDSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> DONALD TRUMP HAS MADE ABOUT
20 DIFFERENT PICKS FOR HIS CABINET.
>> THAT'S TRUE. >> AND DEMOCRATS DON'T LIKE ANY
OF THEM. YOU KNEW WE WERE IN TROUBLE WHEN
EVERY LIBERAL IN AMERICA WAS LIKE, COME ON, MITT ROMNEY!
[ LAUGHTER ] LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT POLITICS REALLY. BUT I'M A PRETTY, YOU KNOW, GOOD
JUDGE OF PEOPLE BASED ON MY FIRST IMPRESSIONS.
HERE WE GO. FOR ATTORNEY GENERAL, TRUMP
PICKED ALABAMA SENATOR JEFF SESSIONS.
A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE DOBBIE FROM "HARRY POTTER" WISHED TO BE A
REAL BOY. [ LAUGHTER ]
NEXT WE HAVE METRO SEXUAL STEVE MNUCHIN, A GOLDMAN SACHS GUY.
A LONG TIME AGO HE WAS LIKE, IF I HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS, WOMEN
WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME. NOW HE'S LIKE, MAYBE A TRILLION.
[ LAUGHTER ] NEXT IS TRUMP'S NOMINEE FOR
HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT, BEN CARSON.
TRUMP THINKS CARSON SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF HOUSING BECAUSE HE
LIVED IN THE PROJECTS AS A CHILD.
REALLY? IF YOU'RE AN EXPERT ON WHEREVER
YOU WERE BORN DOES THAT MEAN I CAN BE SECRETARY OF THE HONDA
CIVIC? [ LAUGHTER ]
SORRY, MOM. >> SECRETARY OF COMMERCE, THE
PICK IS WILBER ROSS. WILBER ROSS, I HEARD THIS GUY IS
A BILLIONAIRE INVESTOR. BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE SEEN
HIM SITTING ON JEFF DUNHAM'S LAP.
>> I KNEW I RECOGNIZED HIM. >> DEFINITELY FAMILIAR.
>> TRUMP'S PICK FOR SECRETARY OF LABOR IS A GUY NAMED
ANDREW PUZDER. IF YOU EVER WONDERED WHAT
MICHAEL FASSBENDER WOULD LOOK LIKE IF HE PLAYED LEX LUTHOR,
WONDER NO MORE. PUZDER WAS THE CEO OF HARDY'S
AND NOW HE'S GONNA BE IN CHARGE OF ALL THE WORKERS IN AMERICA.
YOU KNOW HOW THAT'S A BAD IDEA? 'CAUSE THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE HEARD THE WORD HARDY'S IN 15 YEARS.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEN MY FAVORITE IS ERIC TRUMP.
THIS GUY IS NOT IN THE CABINET BUT I COULDN'T RESIST.
HIS HAIR SAYS 1985. BUT HIS FACE SCREAMS PUT THE
LOTION IN THE BASKET! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> PETE DAVIDSON'S FIRST IMPRESSIONS, EVERYBODY.
>> PUT THE LOTION IN THE BASKET!

Weekend Update on Russia Blackmailing Donald Trump - SNL

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