A Monologue From Stephen Colbert As Rex Tillerson As Wayne Tracker

YESTERDAY, THE CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE-- IS THAT WHAT
IT'S CALLED-- C.B.O.E., DID I GET THAT RIGHT, THE
CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE, THE THREE MOST BORING WORDS IN THE
ENGLISH LANGUAGE THE C.B.O. RELEASED THEIR
ANALYSIS OF THE REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN, AND THEY SAY
THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE LOSING COVERAGE IS 24 MILLION.
>> Audience: BOO!
>> Stephen: TO PUT THAT INTO PERSPECTIVE, LOOK TO THE PERSON
ON YOUR RIGHT.
NOW LOOK TO THE PERSON ON YOUR LEFT.
NOW DO THAT 12 MILLION MOR >> ONE PERSON WHO LIKES THE PLAN
IS PAUL RYAN.
>> I'M PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
IT ACTUALLY EXCEEDED MY EXPECTATION.
>> Stephen: REALLY, 24 MILLION PEOPLE LOSING THEIR HEALTH CARE
EXCEEDED YOUR EXPECTATIONS?
YOU SOUND LIKE THE MOST OPTIMISTIC DIE IN THE DONNER
PARTY.
EVERYTHING IS GREAT.
I EXPECTED TO EAT MY GRANDMA MILES AGO.
IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT TO GO SALT MY COUSIN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ONE SUPPORTER OF THE BILL,
OREGON REPRESENTATIVE GREG WALDEN, ARGUED THAT THE
C.B.O.E.'S SCORE WAS INCOMPLETE, BECAUSE IT DOES NOT INCLUDE
PARTS OF THE G.O.P. PLAN NOT INCLUDED IN THE BILL.
YEAH, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WHEN THEY ANALYZED THE BILL, THEY DIDN'T CONSIDER STUFF
WASN'T IN THERE.
COULD BE ANYTHING-- HEALTH SAVINGS ACCOUNTS, NOUGAT,
A UNICORN THAT GIVES PROSTATE EXAMS.
( LAUGHTER ) VERY UNPLEASANT.
I WANTED TO PAINT A PICTURE FOR YOU.
AND PAUL RYAN'S HEADACHE IS JUST BEGINNING BECAUSE BRIETBART HAS
LEAKED AN AUDIO OF RYAN ON A CONFERENCE CALL LAST OCTOBER,
AND HE HAD SOME STRONG WORDS ABOUT STANDING UP TO TRUMP.
>> Stephen: ADDING, "BY FUTURE, I MEAN BETWEEN NOW AND THE
ELECTION.
AFTER THAT, I'M GOING TO FOLD LIKE A TRUMP CASINO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A DIFFERENT METAPHOR.
PAUL RYAN'S PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO DOWNPLAY THIS, SAYING,
"OBVIOUSLY A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN."
YES, A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE THEN.
EVEN IN THE FIELD OF MEDICINE.
FOR INSTANCE, PAUL RYAN UNDERWENT MAJOR SURGERY TO HAVE
HIS SACK REMOVED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
OOOH!
OOOH.
IS RAY LOW NOTE HE CAN NO LONGER HIT.
( LAUGHTER ) WOOOO!
CAN I GET A NOTE ON THAT?
♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU.
SO WHY WOULD BREITBART, A FAR-RIGHT WEBSITE, GO AFTER PAUL
RYAN AT THIS VULNERABLE TIME?
WELL, IT TURNS OUT, THEY THEY THINK THE NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN
ISN'T CONSERVATIVE ENOUGH BECAUSE IT "DOES NOT REPEAL
OBAMACARE."
YEAH, 24 MILLION PEOPLE LOSING HEALTH INSURANCE DOESN'T GO FAR
ENOUGH.
THEY WANT HEALTH CARE AS THE FOUNDERS INTENDED: DYING AT 35
OF SCRIVNER'S DROPSY.
HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST TRUMP ADMINISTRATION REVELATION?
THERE HAD BEEN A LOT OF THEM.
PUT BUTT THIS IS AN INTERESTING ONE IT CAME OUT LAST NIGHT THAT
TILLERSONUTEED AN EMAIL ALIAS WHILE HE WAS C.E.O. OF EXXON TO
DISCUSS CLIMATE CHANGE ON THE SLY IN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
YOU CAN BE A SEXIST OR WHITE SUPREMACIST, BUT YOU WANT TO
KEEP YOUR SCIENCE TALK ON THE D.L.
>> Jon: KEEP IT LOW.
>> Stephen: THE BEST PART STORY--
( APPLAUSE ) THE BEST PART STORY WAS THAT
INSTEAD OF USING THE NAME REX TILLERSON IN THESE CLIMATE
SCIENCE EMAILS, HE USED AN ALIAS, AND THE ALIAS WAS WAYNE
TRACKER.
( LAUGHTER ) WAYNE TRACKER, WHICH ACTUALLY
SOUNDS LESS LIKE A MADE-UP COWBOY NAME THAN REX TILLERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T THINK HE SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TWO COOL-SOUNDING MANLY NAMES.
IF YOU'RE BORN REX TILLERSON, YOUR ALIAS SHOULD
HAVE TO BE SOMETHING NOT MANLY LIKE MEL DAMPLER OR
HUMBERT KNUCKLEBUTT NOW, DO NOT GOOGLE KNUCKLE BUTT,
BY THE WAY.
NOW, EXXON-MOBIL SAYS THAT THE WAYNE TRACKER EMAIL WASN'T USED
TO HIDE CLIMATE CHANGE DISCUSSIONS.
WELL, OF COURSE NOT.
WAYNE TRACKER IS A GREAT NAME FOR YOUR SEXY NOVEL ABOUT
EMAILING COWBOYS.
IN FACT, I HAPPEN TO HAVE A COPY OF THAT BOOK.
"THE ADVENTURES OF WAYNE TRACKER," WRITTEN BY
FLEX DRILLERSON.
HERE WE GO.
>> Jon: ALL RIGHT, REPORTER, ALL RIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT!
♪ ♪ ♪ ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: WE DIDN'T HAVE A GUITAR IN REHEARSAL.
"GET ON THE HORSE, NOW!" WAYNE TRACKER CALLED.
AND JESSIE-ANNE SLIPPED HER SOFT HAND INTO HIS CALLOUSED ONE.
WITH A GRUNT, HE HEAVED HER ONTO THE HORSE JUST AS THE WATER
STARTED BARRELLING DOWN THE CANYON AT THEM.
"IS THE CREEK FLOODED?" ASKED JESSIE-ANN, AS HER ARMS
ENCIRCLED HIS STRONG, RIPPLING TORSO.
"NO, IT'S RISING SEA LEVELS DUE TO AN INCREASE IN CO-2 IN THE
ATMOSPHERE MELTING THE ICE CAPS," HE SMOLDERED, ADDING,
"BUT PLEASE DON'T TELL ANYBODY I SAID THAT."
THEN THEY DID IT RIGHT THERE ON THE HORSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON IS HERE!
AND WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL HAVE THE LATEST PROCLAMATIONS FROM A
BIG FURRY HAT.

A Monologue From Stephen Colbert As Rex Tillerson As Wayne Tracker

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