Add 'Vibrator' to the List of Devices Spying On Us

WELCOME TO THE SHOW!
THERE WAS A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
SEAN SPICER YESTERDAY.
HE ANNOUNCED THAT DONALD TRUMP WOULD BE DONATING HIS
PRESIDENTIAL SALARY TO A CHARITY AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
I KNOW!
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE.
TRUMP IS GETTING PRETTY CREATIVE IN THE WAYS HE'S REFUSING TO PAY
HIS TAXES.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW HERE'S THE INTERESTING
PART -- SPICER SAID NOT ONLY WILL TRUMP DONATE HIS SALARY, HE
WOULD LOVE FOR WHITE HOUSE REPORTERS TO DETERMINE "WHERE IT
SHOULD GO."
UNFORTUNATELY, WHERE THEY SUGGESTED "IT SHOULD GO," IS NOT
A PLACE THAT I CAN SAY ON TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT SERIOUSLY, HOW GREAT WOULD
IT BE IF THE REPORTERS CHOSE PLANNED PARENTHOOD?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
SPICER SAID THAT THE PRESS CORPS CAN CHOOSE ANY OF THE CHARITIES
FROM THE FOLLOWING LIST, EXCEPT FOR THE ONES THAT ARE CROSSED
OFF.
HERE'S THAT LIST: ( LAUGHTER )
>> James: RIGHT.
OKAY.
RIGHT.
THERE WAS DEFINITELY ONE THAT WAS NOT CROSSED OUT.
HAVE A LOOK.
WHERE IS IT?
AH, THE TRUMP FOUNDATION.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, ANOTHER TRUMP
SPOKESPERSON IS RECEIVING ATTENTION FOR THE WAY SHE
DECORATES HER LIVING ROOM.
TRUMP'S ADVISER, KELLYANNE CONWAY, GAVE A TV INTERVIEW ON
SUNDAY AND PEOPLE NOTICED THAT SHE DISPLAYS A PHOTO OF HERSELF
IN HER LIVING ROOM.
THIS IS TRUE.
TAKE A LOOK: THAT'S HER AND HER FAMILY.
AND LOOK AT THE PHOTO JUST THERE.
JUST LOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) WOW, HER MICROWAVE TAKES GREAT
PICTURES!
( LAUGHTER ) WHO HAS A FRAMED PICTURE OF
THEMSELVES ON THEIR OWN IN THEIR LIVING ROOM?
SHE SHOULD CHANGE HER NAME FROM KELLYANNE CONWAY TO KELLY ANNE
KANYE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
CAN WE SEE IT AGAIN? LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.
WHAT IS THAT HOOD SHE'S WEARING?
IT'S LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A FAIRYTALE.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A PHOTO OR A MIRROR THAT COMES TO LIFE
EVERY NIGHT TELLING HER HOW TO KILL SNOW WHITE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING
THE NEWS LATELY, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF STORIES ABOUT ONLINE
PRIVACY AND APPS RECORDING YOUR INFORMATION.
BUT NOT ONE LIKE THIS.
A COMPANY CALLED WE-VIBE HAS BEEN ORDERED TO PAY CUSTOMERS
ALMOST $3-MILLION FOR ILLEGALLY TRACKING THEM THROUGH THE
COMPANY'S BLUETOOTH CONTROLLED SMART VIBRATOR.
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW.
I MEAN, WHERE DO THEY GET OFF?!
AND HOW?
AND HOW OFTEN?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS WAS A HUGE BREACH OF
PRIVACY AND THE COURT RULED AGAINST WE-VIBE.
SO IRONICALLY, IT'S NOW THE VIBRATOR COMPANY THAT'S BEEN
TOLD TO GO SCREW THEMSELVES.
BUT IF YOU DO GET THIS SETTLEMENT, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU
CAN JUST GO THROWING THE MONEY AROUND.
"SUSAN, YOU'RE PAYING FOR DINNER AGAIN?
WHERE DID YOU GET ALL THIS MONEY?"
"UMM, I JUST SORT OF CAME INTO IT."
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
( APPLAUSE ) FINALLY, WE WANTED TO WARN YOU
ABOUT A NEW PRODUCT THAT'S AVAILABLE FROM NORDSTROM.
THE RETAIL CHAIN IS NOW OFFERING A PAIR OF DENIM PANTS WITH CLEAR
PLASTIC OVER THE KNEES THAT THEY'RE CALLING "CLEAR KNEE MOM
JEANS."
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
YOU DON'T OWN HEM, DO YOU?
YOU SAW THEM.
GOOD.
THEY'RE CALLED THE "CLEAR KNEE MOM JEANS."
THEY'RE RIDICULOUS.
TAKE A LOOK.
LOOK AT THAT.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THOSE JEANS.
( LAUGHTER ) THE GOOD THING IS, IF YOU
ACTUALLY BUY THESE JEANS, YOU CAN USE THAT EXTRA DENIM TO HIDE
YOUR FACE.
THESE JEANS WOULD BE SO CONFUSING FOR THE HOUSEKEEPER
WHO DOES LAUNDRY BUT REFUSES TO DO WINDOWS.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHAT AIM GOING TO DO?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, HEY, IF YOU DON'T LIKE
THESE CLEAR KNEE MOM JEANS, YOU'RE REALLY NOT GONNA LIKE
THEIR OTHER NEW PRODUCT: "CLEAR CROTCH DAD KHAKIS."

Add 'Vibrator' to the List of Devices Spying On Us

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