Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO. MY NAME IS JEFF, JEFF SESSIONS.
WOULD YOU LIKE A CHOCOLATE? >> NO, THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL I AM GOING TO HAVE ONE.
I AM THE ATTORNEY GENERAL OF THE WHOLE UNITED STATES.
I GOT TO MEET THE PRESIDENT AND EVERYTHING.
HE SHOOK MY HAND LIKE THIS. BEING IN THE GOVERNMENT IS SO
FUN. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN?
>> NO, NEVER. >> ALL RIGHT, WELL YOU MEET SO
MANY NICE PEOPLE. LIKE THIS.
THIS IS MY BEST GOOD FRIEND KELLYANNE.
SHE AIN'T GOT NO LEGS. WHY YOU AIN'T GOT NO LEGS,
KELLYANNE? WE'RE AS CLOSE AS PEAS AND
CARROTS. SHE IS THE BEST TALKER YOU EVER
HEARD. THEY SAY SHE COULD SELL STINK TO
A SKUNK. BUT THEY DON'T LET HER TALK NO
MORE. I MISS YOU KELLY.
YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT A CHOCOLATE?
I ALWAYS SAY, LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES.
SURE ARE A WHOLE LOT OF BROWN ONES IN THERE.
>> NO. ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD DAY.
I WAS ON THE COVER OF "THE NEW YORK TIMES," YOU WANT TO SEE?
>> IT SAYS YOU MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED PERJURY.
>> YEAH, I HAD A BAD WEEK. STARTED OUT REAL GOOD.
THE PRESIDENT MADE A GREAT SPEECH.
FOLKS WERE THRILLED ON THE ACCOUNT OF IT WAS REAL WORD ON A
ROLL FOR A WHOLE HOUR. WE WAS ALL AS HAPPY AS A MONKEY
WITH A PEANUT MACHINE. THEN I WANT TO BED, I GOT 800
MESSAGES AND PHONE ALERTS, SAYING I WAS A SNEAKY LITTLE
LIAR. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
SO MY LAWYER SAID, RUN, JEFFY, RUN.
I STARTED RUNNING, AND RUNNING. I ENDED ALL THE WAY SITTING AT
THIS BUS STOP WITH YOU. >> WELL IT IS A NICE DAY FOR IT.
>> MM. THIS WHOLE MESS BEGAN
WITH A CONGRESSIONAL HEARING. THIS SENATOR FROM UP NORTH
STARTED ASKING ME ALL THESE QUESTIONS ABOUT, RUSSIA, IF I
EVER TALKED TO THEM. I GOT SO NERVOUS AND CONFUSED I
GOT ABOUT AS WORKED UP AS A DOUBLE DONGED PIGGY IN A ROOM
FULL OF SOWS. SO, I SAID NO, I NEVER TALKED TO
NO RUSSIANS EVER. THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT
THAT. I DID TALK TO THE RUSSIANS.
TWICE. YOU KNOW,
I MET WITH A FELLOW WHO TURNED OUT TO BE RUSSIAN ON THE ACCOUNT
OF HE WAS THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR.
HIS NAME WAS SERGEI KISLEYA. I REMEMBER ANY NAME WITH GAY
KISS IN IT. BUT, I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO
TALKED TO THE RUSSIANS. WELL, ME AND MICHAEL FLYNN.
SO JUST ME AND MICHAEL FLYNN. AND J.D. GORDON.
SO JUST ME, MICHAEL FLYNN, AND J.D. GORDON, AND ALSO
JARED KUSHNER AT TRUMP TOWER. ME, MICHAEL FLYNN, AND
J.D. GORDON AND JARED KUSHNER AT TRUMP TOWER.
AND CARTER PAGE. AND THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY
ABOUT THAT. AND PAUL MANIFORT.
I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER OF THESE CHOCOLATES.
I WISH I COULD GO BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND SEE MR. TRUMP.
I MESS YOU, DONNIE. DEMOCRATS WANT ME TO RESIGN.
I JUST GOT TO PROVE TO EVERYBODY THAT I DON'T HAVE ANY TIES TO
THE RUSSIANS WHAT SO EVER. [ APPLAUSE ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THIS MEETING NEVER HAPPENED.
>> I WASN'T GOING TO REMEMBER IT ANYWAY.
>> HELLO. >> HELLO.
ARE YOU JEFF SESSIONS? >> YES, MA'AM.
I AM. >> THE ONE CORETTA SCOTT KING
WROTE THE LETTER ABOUT? >> OH, WOW, WELL THAT WAS 40
YEARS AGO. YOU STILL REMEMBER THAT.
>> OH, A LOT OF PEOPLE IN ALABAMA REMEMBER THAT, SIR.
MY NAME'S MINNY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME, I AM FROM A DIFFERENT MOVIE.
>> UH-HUH. >> AND I HAVE A PIE THAT I BAKED
ESPECIALLY FOR YOU. THANK YOU.
THAT IS A MIGHTY KIND GESTURE. THANK YOU.
IT LOOKS DELICIOUS. HEY, ITS THIS WHAT I THINK IT
IS? >> IT IS.
MM. MY FAVORITE.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open - SNL

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