Michael Ian Black's Sandwich Allegory Sums Up Trump's Election

THERE WE GO.
PUT THESE ON.
HEY, I CAN SEE EVERYTHING NOW!
WELCOME BACK, FOLKS.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM "WET HOT
AMERICAN SUMMER" AND AMY SCHUMER.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> HI, THERE.
>> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Stephen: I LIKE THE ENTIRE THING YOU'VE GOT GOING ON.
THE LIKE THE DARK ON DARK WENT MUSTACHE.
>> YEAH, I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE MUSTACHE, MYSELF.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU DOING IT FOR A PART?
>> FOR A TV SHOW, YEAH.
I FEEL LIKE I LOO LOOK LIKE A BACKGROUND COP.
THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND WAITING FOR THE REAL COPS TO GO
THEIR JOBS.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK LIKE A BACKGROUND COP IN A FRENCH
DETECTIVE MOVIE.
YOU'RE TOO SUAVE LOOKING.
>> I'M NOT NORMALLY DRESSED UP.
I FEEL LIKE I'M A SINGLE DAD WITH AN IX WIFE WHO HAS THE KIDS
FOR THE WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DRESSED UP?
>> FOR THIS, ABSOLUTELY, I DO.
>> Stephen: THE SINGLE DAD DRESSED UP WHEN HIS WIFE LEAVES
TOWN.
>> NO IN MY SCENARIO, THE GUY GOES OUT IN HIS JEANS AND
HOODIE.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR GO-TO TO, APPLEBEE'S.
>> JUST A BURGER.
>> Stephen: I GO TO THE JACK DANIEL'S WINGS.
>> YOU'RE A LUSH GLI TAKE IT ANY WAY I CAN GET IT.
LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE YOU TALKED ABOUT A BOOK YOU HAD
WRITTEN CALLED "A CHILD'S FIRST BOOK OF TRUMP."
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS EXPLAINING DONALD TRUMP TO
CHILDREN, LIKE IF YOU YOU ENCOUNTERED A TRUMP IN THE WILD.
>> RIGHT, IT WAS KIND OF-- ( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT-- IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE "GOOSEBUMPS" FOR
KIDS.
IT'S A HORROR STORY.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, AND IT SOLD WELL, I UNDERSTAND.
>> IT DID.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE REALLY LIKED IT.
NOW THAT HE IS PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, CAN YOU EXPLAIN
DONALD TRUMP TO ADULTS?
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WE'RE AS CONFUSED AS
CHILDREN.
>> PEOPLE ARE ASKING ME, "MICHAEL, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
HOW DID WE GET-- ( LAUGHTER )
TO THIS PLACE IN OUR CULTURE?" AND I CAN EXPLAIN IT WITH A
STORY.
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO, STEPHEN,
IT'S LUNCHTIME.
AND I DECIDE TO TAKE MY SON TO SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
>> Stephen: I'M FAMILIAR WITH SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I KNOW THAT CHAIN SUBWAY SANDWICHES.
>> THAT'S THE ONE, SUBWAY SANDWICH S.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD IS YOUR SON IN THIS SCENARIO?
>> HE'S 13 OR 14.
>> Stephen: 13 YEARS OLD.
>> I DECIDE TO GO TO SUBWAY BECAUSE WE BOTH LIKE SUBWAY AND
WE HAVE NOTHING ELSE IN COMMON.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS HOW YOU BOND.
>> RIGHT.
WE GO TO SUBWAY AND WE EACH HAD OUR REGULAR ORDER.
HE LIKES THE "IITALIAN" B.M.T.
>> Stephen: B.M.T.
>> THAT'S A SANDWICH LOADED WITH DELI MEETS MAETS, NONE OF
WHIEWMS OF WHOSE NAMES BEGIN WITH B., M., T.
AND I LIKE THE SIX-INCH CHICKEN BREAST AND THAT'S A CLASSY
ORDER.
AND I CAN TELL.
THE WOMAN WHO TAKES THE ORDER -- >> Stephen: IT'S A CLASSY
ORDER?
>> AND I KNOW SHE THINKS SO BECAUSE WHEN I ORDER SHE LOOKS
AT ME LIKE THIS...
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
>> SO SHE GOES, "WOULD YOU LIKE CHEESE?"
I SAY, "NO CHOOSE."
>> Stephen: NO CHEESE.
>> AND NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME OUR EYES MEET.
AND I KNOW WHAT SHE'S THINKING.
"A-HA, THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT."
AND SHE'S RIGHT.
I AM.
I AM A CONNOISSEUR OF SUBWAY, SO I CAN DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE
REGULAR SUBWAY SANDWICH MAKE EXPERT SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTIST.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEIR EMPLOYEES.
>> THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM.
BUT SO FEW OF THEM EARN THAT TITLE, UNLESS YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT THE ART OF ABSTRACT EXPRESSIONISM WHEN THEY FLING
VEGETABLES WILLY-NILLY ACROSS-- THAT'S NOT THE ART I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T WANT A DA-DA SANDWICH.
>> NO, YOU DO NOT.
THE ART I'M TALKING ABOUT, STEPHEN, IS THE ART OF THE
BALLET.
IT'S A DANCE, A HAND DANCE.
>> Stephen: JUST REAL QUICK.
WE'RE GETTING TO TRUMP SOMEWHERE IN HERE, RIGHT?
>> DO YOU TRUST ME?
( LAUGHTER ) SHE IS A PERFECT MAKER OF
SANDWICHES.
SHE MAKES-- HE PUTS ALL THE VEGETABLES ON.
SHE ASKS IF I WANT JALAPENOS, AND I DO WANT JALAPENOS.
AND THEN AT THE END, SHE SAYS, "WHAT KIND OF DRESSING?"
I SAY, "MUSTARD."
SHE PUTS THE MUSTARD ON.
I SAY, "A LITTLE BIT MORE MUSTARD, PLEASE."
SHE PUTS A LITTLE BIT MORE MUSTARD ON.
SHE BAGS THE SANDWICHES.
WE TAKE THEM HOME.
MY SON'S SANDWICH, STEPHEN, IS PERFECT, IT'S A PERFECT
SANDWICH.
MINE, HOWEVER, THERE IS SOMETHING AMISS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
>> Stephen: NO CHEESE.
>> YOU RAY FOOL!
STEPHEN, ON MY SANDWICH, THERE IS A LITTLE TOO MUCH MUSTARD.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> Stephen: NO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> SOMEHOW IN MY ARROGANCE, IN MY HUBRIS, I HAD DECIDED THAT I
KNEW BETTER THAN THIS SUBWAY SANDWICH ARTIST HOW MUCH
DRESSING A SUBWAY SANDWICH SHOULD HAVE.
WHY DID I DO THAT?
WAS IT SEXISM?
PERHAPS.
( LAUGHTER ) WAS IT-- WAS IT SUBCONSCIOUS
RACISM?
YOU BET IT WAS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WHAT RACE--
>> TWO YEARS LATER, STEPHEN!
TWO YEARS LATER, DONALD TRUMP IS ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE JERKS LIKE ME THINK THEY
KNOW HOW TO DO EVERYTHING BETTER THAN THE PROFESSIONALS WHO DO IT
FOR A LIVING!
AND THAT'S HOW WE GOT WHERE WE ARE TODAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
WOW.
YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE A-- YOU HAVE A-- A
PETITION.
>> I DO HAVE A PETITION.
>> Stephen: AT THE WHITE HOUSE RIGHT NOW.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ON THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE YOU CAN PUT A PETITION
IN.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: AND IT'S GOT A LOT OF SIGNATURES, RIGHT?
HOW MANY DOES IT NEED?
>> 100,000.
>> Stephen: HOW MANY DOES IT HAVE?
>> ZERO AS FAR AS I CAN TELL BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE WASN'T
TABULATING SIGNATURES FOR THE LONGEST OF TIME.
YOU WOULD PUT A PETITION ON THE WHITE HOUSE WEBSITE, AND NO
MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE CLICKED ON IT, IT WOULDN'T TABULATE THE
SIGNATURE S.
>> Stephen: IS THIS THE TRUMP PEOPLE DOING THIS?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO IT WAS.
WAS IT THE RUSSIANS?
PERHAPS.
WHO CAN SAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR PETITION?
>> I'LL GIVE YOU THE-- I WANT TO GET IT EXACTLY RIGHT.
IT WAS "TO EXPLAIN TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHY PRESIDENT
DONALD J. TRUMP IS SUCH A NEEDY LITTLE BITCH."
THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE PETITION.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THEY CAN JUST GO
AND SIGN UP?
>> THEY CAN GO AND SIGN IN.
>> Stephen: MICHAEL IAN BLACK, LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK HAS A SHOW ON iTUNES.
"HOW TO BE AMAZING WITH MICHAEL IAN BLACK" IS AVAILABLE ON
iTUNES AND AUDIBLE.
MICHAEL IAN BLACK, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CAT EXPERT, JACKSON GALAXY.

Michael Ian Black's Sandwich Allegory Sums Up Trump's Election

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