Mike Pence: Wine, Dine And Reset Gender Norms To '69

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY!
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERING ) AND WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT LATE
SHOW INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE WILL FOLLOW OUR INVESTIGATION OF
TRUMP AND RUSSIA WHEREVER IT LEADS.
USUALLY IT'S TO JAMES CORDEN IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
BUT WHEREVER.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR THE PAST WEEK, EVERYONE'S
BEEN WONDERING ABOUT DEVIN NUNES'S SECRET INTELLIGENCE
SOURCE AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
NUNES HAS REFUSED TO REVEAL WHO IT WAS, OUT OF CONCERN THAT IF
HIS SOURCE IS EXPOSED, HE'LL HAVE TO COME UP WITH A NEW
REASON TO KEEP CANCELING RUSSIA HEARINGS.
WELL, TODAY, THE "FAILING NEW YORK TIMES" REVEALED THAT THE
PERSON WHO MET WITH NUNES WAS IN FACT, TWO PEOPLE!
( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ) ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO THE TIMES, THE SOURCES WERE "EZRA
COHEN-WATNICK, THE SENIOR DIRECTOR FOR INTELLIGENCE AT THE
NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL, AND MICHAEL ELLIS, A LAWYER WHO
WORKS ON NATIONAL SECURITY ISSUES AT THE WHITE HOUSE."
SAY IT ISN'T SO, MICHAEL ELLIS AND EZRA COHENWATNICK!
I'VE TRUSTED YOU EVER SINCE I LEARNED YOUR NAMES AT THE
BEGINNING OF THIS SENTENCE!
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S THOSE TWO
GUYS WHOSE NAMES I'VE FORGOTTEN AT THIS POINT!
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THE REST OF THE STORY HASN'T CHANGED.
IT WAS LEGAL WIRETAPS OF FOREIGN OFFICIALS WHO WERE TALKING TO
TRUMP PEOPLE.
STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.
OR IF TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN COLLUDED WITH PUTIN.
BUT CNBC'S GEOFF CUTMORE TRIED TO GET THE ANSWER STRAIGHT FROM
THE HORSE'S MOUTH AND THE MAN WHO RIDES SHIRTLESS ON IT.
>> YOU AND THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT DID -- NEVER TRIED TO
INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF THE U.S. PRESIDENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION AND THERE WILL BE NO EVIDENCE FOUND?
>> ( TRANSLATED ): RONALD REAGAN ONCE DEBATING ABOUT TAXES AND
ADDRESSING THE AMERICANS SAID, WATCH MY LIPS, HE SAID, NO.
WATCH MY LIPS, NO.
>> STEPHEN: HA, HA, HA, HA, THAT VLADIMIR PUTIN SURE IS A
JOKESTER.
"KNOCK KNOCK."
WHO'S THERE?
"I."
I WHO?
"WHO'S ASKING, I WHO?
ARE YOU JOURNALIST?
I WILL KILL YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING, REAGAN
DIDN'T SAY THAT, GEORGE H. W.
BUSH DID.
IT'S THE REASON VLAD LOST ON JEOPARDY'S WAR CRIMINAL WEEK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HUGE RATINGS.
I LOVE WATCHING EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR I LOVE WATCHING "WAR CRIMINALS WEEK."
"I'M SORRY, YOUR ANSWER MUST BE IN THE FORM OF A MURDER."
SPEAKING OF DONALD TRUMP'S LOVED ONES, YESTERDAY IT WAS ANNOUNCED
THAT IVANKA TRUMP WILL BECOME A FEDERAL EMPLOYEE IN THE WHITE
HOUSE, SERVING AS THE PRESIDENT'S "EYES AND EARS."
YEAH, YEAH, EYES AND EARS.
NO WORD YET ON WHO WILL BE OPERATING HIS BRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YAY!
BRAIN!
VERY HAPPY TO GET THIS MAN -- BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO GOVERN
DAY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO HE'S HIRED HIS DAUGHTER AS
ASSISTANT TO THE PRESIDENT, HIS SON-IN-LAW AS HIS SENIOR
ADVISER, AND PUT ERIC AND DONALD JUNIOR IN CHARGE OF THE NATIONAL
HAIR GEL RESERVE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ANYWAY -- IT'S ALWAYS 1985.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, I'M NOT SURE WHO'S DOING
WHAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
CAN WE PUT UP THE WHITE HOUSE CHORE WHEEL?
OKAY, THIS WEEK IVANKA'S ON DOMESTIC POLICY, JARED'S ON
FOREIGN POLICY, AND LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT IS LOADING THE
DISHWASHER AGAIN.
BIG RESPONSIBILITY.
A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU'VE GOT TO PRE-RINSE.
BUT LET'S TAKE A BREAK FROM TRUMP -- CAN WE TAKE A BREAK
FROM TRUMP, PLEASE?
CAN WE DO THAT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMEONE WHO
HAS NO POWER IN WASHINGTON, MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) "THE WASHINGTON POST" JUST DID A
PROFILE OF MIKE AND MRS. MIKE, AND THEY HAVE A PRETTY SOLID
THING GOING ON.
BECAUSE PENCE NEVER EATS ALONE WITH A WOMAN OTHER THAN HIS
WIFE.
AND THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING: MIKE PENCE IS SUCH AN
OUT-OF-CONTROL FORCE FIVE BONE-ICANE, THAT HE HAS TO BE
MONITORED BY KAREN PENCE AT ALL TIMES.
ONE AMSTEL LIGHT AND HE'S DRY-HUMPING THE BREAD BASKET.
OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) OH, THERE'S SNOW ON THE ROOF BUT
THERE'S A FIRE IN THE FURNAC ( APPLAUSE )
PENCE ALSO WON'T ATTEND EVENTS FEATURING ALCOHOL WITHOUT HIS
WIFE BY HIS SIDE.
HE'S SO NAUGHTY, IF YOU LEFT HIM ALONE WITH A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY,
HE MIGHT TRY TO HAVE SEX WITH IT.
AND JIM BEAM AND JACK DANIELS ARE BOTH DUDES.
AND HE IS "NOT" INTO GAY STUFF!
HE HAS TO PRAY AWAY THE MT. GAY.
THAT'S WHAT I HEAR.
I DON'T KNOW.
THEN THERE'S THE STORY OF HOW THE PENCE'S GOT ENGAGED.
WHILE THEY WERE OUT FEEDING DUCKS IN 1985, MIKE PENCE
HOLLOWED OUT TWO LOAVES OF BREAD, PLACING A BOTTLE OF
CHAMPAGNE IN ONE AND THE RING BOX IN THE OTHER FOR HER TO
DISCOVER AS SHE TORE OFF PIECES.
WHICH IS PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
THAT MEANS KAREN CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MIKE PENCE
AND A LOAF OF BREAD.
IT'S ACTUALLY A REALLY CUTE ENGAGEMENT STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ACTUALLY A VERY CUTE
ENGAGEMENT STORY.
AND IT'S A GOOD THING KAREN WAS THERE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WANT TO
LEAVE MIKE PENCE ALONE WITH ONE OF THOSE SEDUCTIVE LOAVES OF
BREAD.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
THE YEAST ISN'T THE ONLY THING RISING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MMM, MMM...
( PIANO RIFF ) ALSO, IT'S WORTH NOTING THAT
THE COUPLE LATER GOT THE BREAD SHELLACKED.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE.
SHELLACKED BREAD IS AN INDIANA DELICACY!

Mike Pence: Wine, Dine And Reset Gender Norms To '69

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