Shud the Mermaid

♪♪♪ >>> TRUE TALES FROM THE SEA.
FROM U.S. FIGHTER PILOT HARRISON BECKETT, 1944.
>> MY PLANE WAS SHOT DOWN OVER THE PACIFIC.
I FELL INTO THE SEA, AND SURRENDERED TO DEATH.
YET I AWOKE ON THE SHORE OF A SMALL DESERTED ISLAND, ALL
ALONE, OR SO I THOUGHT. HELLO?
IS ANYONE THERE? >> NO ONE OF YOUR KIND.
I AM TITACLES AND I RULE OVER THIS COVE.
I SAVED YOU FROM A WATERY GRAVE AND THEREFORE I COMMAND YOU TO
MARRY ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS. THE PLAYFUL OCEANA.
>> HELLO, YOUNG SAILOR. SO BRAVE.
SO HANDSOME. [ GOGGLES
>> THE ADVENTUROUS AQUATICANA. >> OH, I HAVE NEVER SEEN A HUMAN
MAN. THEY'RE SPLENDID.
>> AND THE OTHER ONE, SHUD. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY, MAN. WHAT'S CRAPPENING?
>> THE CHOICE IS YOURS. >> WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?
DO I REMIND YOU OF ANYONE? >> YES.
POPEYE, IF HE MELTED. >> WELL, I KNOW I LOOK DIFFERENT
FROM MY SISTERS. WHILE THEY ARE HALF MAIDEN, HALF
MARLIN, I AM 15% MAIDEN AND 85% BLOB FISH, WHICH MEANS I'M
MOSTLY GELATIN. >> OKAY.
OKAY. I MEAN, HOW COULD I CHOOSE?
TWO-THIRDS OF YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> IF YOU CHOOSE ME WE'LL SPEND OUR DAYS FROLICKING IN THE
GROTTO. WHAT FUN!
>> CHOOSE ME AND TOGETHER WE'LL EXPLORE THE WONDERS OF THE SEA.
>> CHOOSE ME AND YOU'LL BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH
THIS CHICK. >> OH.
>> WHAT'S UP? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS MY BFF CONK, FELLOW DWELLER OF THE DEEP.
>> I'M 8% WOMAN. 92 PERCENT ANGLER FISH.
I'M FROM WAY DOWN DEEP WHERE ALL THE FREAKS HANG OUT HENCE THE
READING LIGHT GROWING OUT OF MY HEAD.
>> CONK KNOWS HOW TO PARTY NOW. IF YOU WANT COMPANY IN THE
BEDROOM, CONK IS VERY MUCH DOWN TO CLOWN.
>> OH, YEP. TWO WAY, THREE WAY, TWO WAY ME
WATCHING, TWO WAY HER WATCHING, THREE OF US GOING SOLO, ALL
WATCHING. ANY COMBO I'VE DONE, AND WILL DO
AGAIN. >> HERE IS A LITTLE PREVIEW.
>> OH, GOD. >> HELL YEAH.
>> THAT'S HOT. >> SO HOT.
>> WHEN YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH, SAY WHEN.
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT EVER AGAIN. ANYWAY, I NEVER IMAGINED I WOULD
ONE DAY MARRY A MERMAID. >> OH, LIFE WITH A MERMAID IS
QUITE ENCHANTING. WE SING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
MELODIES. [ VOCALIZING ]
♪ THE SIMPSONS ♪ [ HUMMING "THE SIMPSONS" THEME ]
>> IF YOU WERE TO CHOOSE ME, I WILL NEVER TIRE OF HEARING TALES
OF LIFE ON LAND. >> IF I AM YOUR CHOICE, MY LOVE
FOR YOU WILL GROW WITH EACH SUN RISE.
>> TRUE TALK, I'M REALLY JUST IN THIS FOR THE BABIES.
I'VE GOT ABOUT 5 MILLION EGGS THAT NEED FERTILIZATION
YESTERDAY. BLOB FISH MATING FYI; MY FEMALE
GONADS ARE WHERE MY MOUTH IS WHICH IS ALSO MY BUTT, BUT WE'LL
MAKE IT WORK. >> PLEASE DON'T.
>> A LITTLE ANGLER FISH INFO. DURING MATING THE MALE ATTACHES
TO THE FEMALE AND THEN DIES. YOU DOWN FOR THAT?
>> I AM NOT. >> OKAY, WELL JUST KNOW THIS,
I'M AN OLD-FASHIONED KIND OF GIRL.
WHEN MY MAN COMES HOME I LIKE TO HAVE DINNER READY FOR HIM.
IN FACT, YOU LOOK A LITTLE HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU LIKE SEA BASS? >> SO, NO.
THANK YOU. >> IT GOT IN MY MOUTH.
>> EAT UP BEFORE IT GETS WARM. >> NO, THANK YOU.
I DON'T WANT IT. >> THAT SOUND!
IT'S A RESCUE PLANE. I'M SAVED!
I'M SORRY, LADIES, BUT I HAVE A LIFE BACK ON LAND.
>> AW! >> COULD I JUST GET ONE KISS FOR
THE ROAD? >> YES, SHUD.
BUT ON THE CHEEK BECAUSE YOUR MOUTH IS ALSO YOUR BUTT.
>> THANK YOU. GRAB HIM CONK.
SORRY, GIRLS. GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE NOWADAYS.
♪ THE SIMPSONS ♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪

Shud the Mermaid - SNL

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