Stand Up Comedy from Sam Jay

SHOW.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY
PERSON WHO YOU CAN SEE
PERFORMING AT THE CRAPSHOOT
COMEDY FESTIVAL IN LAS VEGAS MAY
18th THROUGH THE 20th.
PLEASE WELCOME SAM JAY!
>> YEAH.
WHAT IS GOING ON, GUYS?
MAN, THIS IS TRULY AMAZING,
DUDE.
THEY HAVE A ROOM BACK THERE FOR
ME, MY NAME IS ON THE DOOR.
I TOOK A BUNCH OF POSES IN FRONT
OF IT FOR INSTAGRAM.
BUNCH OF HASH TAGS, LIKE STEP
UP, GET YOUR MONEY TOGETHER.
FEELING GOOD.
I GOT A HUNDRED LIKES ON THE
PICTURES, SO THIS DOESN'T REALLY
MATTER RIGHT NOW.
THIS COULD GO EITHER WAY.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THAT'S WHERE I'M AT, BE
YOURSELF, LIVE IN YOUR MOMENT,
EMBRACE YOUR STEREOTYPES.
STOP BEING PEOPLE THAT SHUN
STEREOTYPES.
THEY'RE THE BEST THING.
THEY CAN HELP YOU, MAN, IF YOU
PLAY THEM UP RIGHT.
LIKE PEOPLE THINK BLACK PEOPLE
ARE HOSTILE.
I USE THAT TO MY ADVANTAGE ALL
THE TIME.
I RIDE THE BUS AND THE TRAIN, I
BLAST MUSIC OUT MY HEADPHONES, I
LOOK LEFT AND RIGHT REAL CRAZY
WHILE I DO IT.
I BARK EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
NO WHITE PEOPLE SIT NEXT TO ME
FOR MILES ON THE BUS OR THE
TRAIN.
IT'S THE MOST PEACEFUL RIDE OF
MY LIFE, BECAUSE I DON'T GOT TO
DEAL WITH YOUR BOOGIE BOATS AND
SAIL BOARDS, SILLY STUFF YOU
BRING ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING, IS
THAT A CANOE?
WHAT IS THIS DUDE DOING?
WE THINK ALL ASIANS KNOW KARATE.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW, ASIANMAN,
THROW UP A LEG, GET OUT A JAM.
WHITE WOMEN, YOU GUYS CRY AND
GET WHATEVER YOU WANT.
BEAUTIFUL.
IT'S SO DOPE.
I WISH PEOPLE CARED WHEN I
CRIED.
I DO IT MORE OFTEN.
NO ONE CARES, MAN.
BECAUSE AS A BLACK WOMAN, I'M
STILL DOING THAT OPPRESSION, WE
SHALL OVERCOME CRY, WHERE YOU
GET ALL STIFF AND THE ONE TEAR
ROLLS DOWN.
AND YOU DON'T KNOW IF SHE'S
HOLDING IN A FART OR CRYING.
WHEN WHITE WOMEN CRY Y'ALL BREAK
DOWN, YOUR BODIES GO LIMP, YOUR
HAIR GOES EVERYWHERE.
IT'S LIKE, SHE NEEDS HELP, RIGHT
HERE!
IT'S AMAZING, DUDE.
BECAUSE WHEN YOU EMBRACE YOUR
THING, YOU CAN USE IT TO HELP
OTHER PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.
I WAS AT A COMEDY FESTIVAL,
HANGING OUT WITH MY HOME BOY,
BECAUSE HE'S A MAN, I LOOK LIKE
A MAN, WE'RE BOTH BLACK.
AND WE SMELL LIKE WEED.
WE WERE SMOKING WEED, OKAY?
SO I'M TRYING TO HIDE IT.
DUNKING AND DODGING SECURITY.
THIS WHITE LADY WALKED UP, SHE
SAID, I WOULD LOVE TO SMOKE WITH
YOU, I WOULD EVEN LIKE A
CIGARET
CIGARETTE TO MASK THE SMELL, IF
YOU WOULD LET ME.
>> I FEEL LIKE WE ACQUIRED WHITE
WOMAN SHIELD.
YOU INVISIBLE TO COPS, SECURITY
FOLKS AND OTHERWISE NOSEY WHITE
FOLKS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU.
AND THAT'S WHERE WE'RE AT, MAN.
WE WANT TO BE A BETTER COUNTRY.
I WAS ON THE CRUISE WHEN I FOUND
OUT TRUMP WAS THE PRESIDENT.
WE WERE IN THE BAHAMAS.
AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE, WE'RE
NEVER COMING BACK!
AND I'M LIKE, THAT'S NOT HOW
CRUISES WORK.
BUT IT WAS A BOAT DIVIDED.
AS SOON AS THE ELECTION RESULTS
CAME IN, THERE WERE PEOPLE THAT
WERE HAPPY, I UNDERSTOOD.
PEOPLE THAT WERE SAD, I
UNDERSTOOD.
BUT THERE WAS ONE LADY THAT WAS
NFUSED, SHE WAS MISSIPISSING ME
OFF.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN IN
AMERICA?
WE WERE READY FOR A WHITE WOMAN
PRESIDENT.
I WAS LIKE, REALLY?
A YEAR AGO WE WEREN'T EVEN READY
FOR FEMALE GHOST BUSTERS.
AND THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL JOB.
I DON'T KNOW HOW READY WE WERE,
LADY.
CHILL OUT.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
BUT I THINK AS LIBERALS, WE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, WE
SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO OLD
WHITE MEN.
I'M SAYING IT.
NICER TO OLD WHITE DUDES.
WE BEEN A BULLY TO OLD WHITE
DUDES.
WE CAN'T ACCEPT THE WIN.
WE WON, EVEN WITH TRUMP, WE WON.
THERE'S GLUTEN-FREE EVERY
APPLEBEE'S.
WE WON.
IT'S OVER.
HEY, OLD WHITE DUDE, HEY, YOU
DUMMY, YOU WERE BAD TO BLACKS,
YOU WERE BAD TO GAYS, AND YOU
WERE BAD TO WOMEN.
YOU SMOKED ON PLANES.
NOW GUYS ARE GOING TO KISS GUYS
ON THE STREET AND BACON KILLS
YOU.
SHUT UP, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
YOUR THOUGHTS.
BUT WHITE PEOPLE CONTRIBUTED TO
SOCIETY.
NOT JUST THE BAD.
SLAVERY, BAD.
EVERYTHING THEY DID TO BLACK
PEOPLE AFTER SLAVERY, BAD.
BUT AIRPLANES, DOPE!
AIRPLANES ARE UNDENIABLY COOL,
MAN.
THAT'S A WHITE GUY WAY OF
THINKING.
WHITE GUYS GOT THIS WEIRD NEED
TO DOMINATE AND DOMINATE HUGE.
ONLY A WHITE GUY LOOKED IN THE
SKY, SAW A BIRD AND WAS LIKE, I
SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO THAT, WHY
NOT ME?
HEY, Y'ALL HAVE BEEN PHENOMENA

Stand Up Comedy from Sam Jay

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