The Late Show's Presidential Leak-crets, Vol. 3

NOW, WE'VE TALKED A LOT ABOUT IT, BUT ALL THIS RUSSIA STUFF
BOILS DOWN TO ONE SIMPLE QUESTION: WHAT IS TRUMP'S
RELATIONSHIP TO RUSSIA, AND WHEN DOES HE PLAN TO LEAVE IT FOR A
YOUNGER COUNTRY?
"THE USA TODAY" DID A LITTLE DIGGING AND THEY FOUND THAT
"TRUMP'S BUSINESS NETWORK REACHED ALLEGED RUSSIAN
MOBSTERS."
OKAY, THE MOB.
THAT EXPLAINS WHY HIS HAT ORIGINALLY SAID, "NICE AMERICA
YOU HAVE HERE.
BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING NOT GREAT HAPPENED TO IT."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT EVERYTHING THE SENATE OR THE
F.B.I. OR DEVIN NUNES HAS LEARNED COMES FROM SECRET
SOURCES, SOME FROM INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE.
LUCKILY, I HAVE MY "OWN" SECRET WHITE HOUSE SOURCE.
THIS IS LATE SHOW PRESIDENTIAL LEAKCRETS.
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, TO PROTECT MY SUPER SECRET SOURCE'S IDENTITY, WE HAVE
DIMMED THE LIGHTS, AND PUT HIM BEHIND A SCREEN.
AND, ALSO, WE BURNED OFF HIS FINGERPRINTS WITH A GEORGE
FORMAN GRILL.
THE FAT JUST MELTS AWAY.
HELLO, ANONYMOUS SOURCE.
>> HELLO, STEPHEN.
>> STEPHEN: YOUR VOICE IS STILL ALTERED.
>> AH, NO, I JUST HAVE A COLD, BUT I SHOULD BE FINE.
I TOOK A LOZENGE.
RICCOLA!
IT'S BEEN A TOUGH MONTH FOR THE PRESIDENT.
WHAT'S THE MOOD IN THE WHITE HOUSE THESE DAYS?
>> PANIC.
COMPLETE PANIC.
THE STAFF IS SCARED FOR THEIR JOBS.
>> STEPHEN: ARE THEY REALLY SCARED THEY'RE GOING TO LOSE
THEM?
>> NO.
THEY'RE SCARED THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP THEM.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT.
THAT SOUNDS ROUGH.
OKAY, LET'S GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS.
DEVIN NUNES CLAIMS TO HAVE A SECRET SOURCE IN THE WHITE HOUSE
WHO THE "NEW YORK TIMES" CLAIMS TO HAVE REVEALED.
ARE THEY RIGHT?
>> NO, STEPHEN.
DEVIN NUNES' SECRET SOURCE IS DEVIN NUNES.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?
HE GOT THIS INFORMATION FROM HIMSELF?
DOES HE HAVE TWO PERSONALITIES?
>> I'M NOT SURE HE HAS ONE PERSONALITY.
BUT HE DOES SNEAK OFF TO SECURE LOCATIONS, AND THEN, WHEN HE'S
ALONE, HE DRAWS LIPSTICK ON HIS HAND AND INTERROGATES IT.
>> STEPHEN: HE HAS A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS HAND?
>> FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS.
>> STEPHEN: ARE YOU SAYING THE INFORMATION NUNES AS GOT
UPIS FALSE?
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT, STEPHEN.
I'M JUST SAYING HE PULLED IT FROM, SHALL WE SAY, AN
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION.
I MEAN THE BUTT, STEVE.
>> STEPHEN: I GOT THAT PART.
>> NOT A METAPHOR.
>> STEPHEN: GOT IT.
IT'S A GREAT IMAGE.
NOW, NUNES SAYS HE'S AFRAID TO SHARE THE SECRET DOCUMENTS HE
SAW BECAUSE CURRENTLY REDACTED WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS MIGHT BE
UNMASKED.
ARE PEOPLE THERE WORRIED ABOUT POSSIBLE UNMASKING?
>> NO, WE UNMASK EVERY SATURDAY AT OUR "EYES WIDE SHUT" PARTIES.
TRUST ME, STEVE BANNON LOOKS BETTER IN A MASK.
AND WEARING PANTS.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU CANNOT UNSEE.
>> STEPHEN: THERE ARE ALSO RUMORS THAT TRUMP AND MELANIA
ARE HAVING MARITAL PROBLEMS.
IS THAT TRUE?
>> YES.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT THEY'RE MARRIED TO EACH OTHER.
>> STEPHEN: SEPARATE BEDROOMS?
>> IT HELPS WHEN YOU'RE IN SEPARATE CITIES.
>> STEPHEN: BY THE WAY, THE PRESIDENT PROMISED THAT WE
COULD EXPECT, "SOME VERY INTERESTING ITEMS COMING TO THE
FOREFRONT OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS."
THOSE TWO WEEKS ARE JUST ABOUT UP.
ANY IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT?
>> YES.
HE SWALLOWED HIS KEYS.
AND THEY'LL BE COMING TO THE FOREFRONT SOON... HE ATE A LOT
OF OAT BRAN TODAY.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, THAT'S SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. SWITCHING TO HEALTH CARE, I KNOW THE REPUBLICANS SAY THEY'RE
GOING TO TRY AGAIN, BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS TO BE DIGS
APPOINTED BY THE FAILURE TO REPEAL ObamaCare.
DOES HE BLAME PAUL RYAN?
>> NO, THE PRESIDENT TOOK A HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND TOOK
COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY.
I'M JUST (BLEEP) WITH YO&.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, OF COURSE, OF COURSE.
TRUMP, OBVIOUSLY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUMP OBVIOUSLY BLAMES RYAN.
>> STEPHEN: SO IS TRUMP TRYING TO GET RID OF HIM?
>> YES, THE PRESIDENT IS TRYING TO PUSH RYAN OUT.
MUCH LIKE HIS KEYS.
I MEAN FROM THE BUTT, STEVE.
>> STEPHEN: ANONYMOUS SOURCE, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MARISA TOMEI.

The Late Show's Presidential Leak-crets, Vol. 3

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