Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule

DESPITE CLAIMING NO DIRECT INVOLVEMENT
INVOLVEMENT, THERE ARE STILL ETHICS CONCERNS AROUND PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S TIES TO HIS BUSINESS, HERE TO COMMENT ARE THE CO-CEO's
OF THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP JR.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING US, COLIN. GREAT TO HAVE YOU, YEAH.
NOW MANY PEOPLE, MYSELF INCLUDED HAVE SOME SERIOUS CONCERNS ABOUT
WHETHER YOUR FATHER COULD USE HIS POSITION TO HELP HIS FORMER
BUSINESS. >> YEAH, I KNOW YOU MENTIONED
THAT ON THE GOLF COURSE LAST WEEKEND.
I WAS BEATING YOU BY NINE STROKES.
YOU GOT TO WORK ON YOUR SHORT GAME, PAL.
>> I KNOW. BUT ERIC AND I DID HAVE A BLAST.
>> I DROVE THE GOLF CAR! >> YOU SURE DID, ERIC.
REMEMBER, I TOLD YOU THIS, PAL, MAN.
REMEMBER, GOLF CART. GOLF CART.
NOT CAR, WITH A T. >> T.
COLIN, THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION -- THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION IS
ENTIRELY IN OUR HANDS. IN FACT, ERIC AND I RECENTLY
CELEBRATED THE GRAND OPENING OF A NEW TRUMP GOLF COURSE IN
DUBAI, WHICH WAS A SMASH SUCCESS.
>> I GOT A SUNBURN. >> YEAH, 'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO WEAR YOUR HAT, BUD. >> IT DOESN'T FIT.
>> I TOLD YOU BUD YOU CAN CHANGE THE SIZE WITH THE SNAPS IN THE
BACK. THAT'S WHY THEY HAVE THOSE.
WE ALSO JUST CUT THE RIBBON, THE BEAUTIFUL NEW TRUMP LUXURY HOTEL
IN VANCOUVER, CANADA. AND COLLIN, I KNOW YOU ARE A
THE CHEF WE GOT IN VANCOUVER IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.
HE CRUSHED THE MENU. THE FOOD IS NEXT LEVEL.
>> I HAD A FUNNY FACE PANCAKE. HE HAD WHIP CREAMS HAIR.
>> YEAH, AND YOU ATE THE WHOLE THING, RIGHT?
>> I'M HUNGRY. >> ALL RIGHT.
CHEERIOS, BUDDY. >> WELL, I'M CERTAINLY GLAD THAT
YOUR BUSINESS IS DOING WELL. THAT DOESN'T ANSWER ANY QUESTION
AS BUT YOUR FATHER'S INVOLVEMENT IN THE BUSINESS.
>> I'M THIRSTY. >> I'VE GOT A JUICE FOR YOU.
>> THE FACT OF THE MATTER ITS, ALL THE DEALS COMING TO FRUITION
NOW WERE IN PLACE FAR -- FAR BEFORE MY FATHER --
>> ERIC, ERIC, LET ME DO IT. LET ME DO IT.
COME ON, MAN DON'T JUST STAB IT. MAKING A MESS.
INSERT STRAW HERE. YOU ARE NOT USING THE POINTY
END. I DON'T WANT TO MAKE A MESS.
>> THAT'S MY BROTHER. I'M PROUD OF YOU.
PROUD OF YOU. COLLIN, BOTTOM LINE, THE ONLY
PEOPLE MAKING DECISIONS >> YOU DOWNED THAT QUICK, BUD.
LOOK AT YOU. THIRSTY LITTLE GUY.
>> UH-HUH. THE ONLY PEOPLE MAKING DECISIONS
REGARDING THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION ARE ERIC AND MYSELF.
>> AND DAD! >> NOW, NOW, REMEMBER --
REMEMBER, ERIC, DAD DOES NOT TELL US WHAT TO DO ANYMORE?
>> YEAH, HE DOES. >> WANT TO PLAY WITH MY PHONE,
BUD? >> YEAH.
>> YEAH. ERIC'S A JOKESTER.
>> WHAT HE MEANT TO SAY WAS OUR ONLY PEOPLE CALLING THE SHOTS AT
THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION ARE MYSELF AND THIS GUY.
>> I'M TIRED. HE'S GOING TO GET CRANKY.
GOTTA GET HIM HOME. WE GET HOME, QUICK BATH, JAMMIES
AND THEN BED. ALRIGHT, BUD?
>> CAN COLIN SLEEP OVER? >> NOT TONIGHT, BUD.
>> AWE! >> ERIC AND DONALD TRUMP JR.
[ APPLAUSE ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> IT WAS REVEALED A CHURCH FORCED MARRIED COUPLES TO WAIT A
YEAR BEFORE HAVING SEX. WHICH MEANS THE SOMETHING BLUE
THAT AIR WEDDING WAS BALLS. >>> FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 146
YEARS IT IS HAS NOT SNOWED IN CHICAGO DURING THE MONTHS OF
JANUARY AND FEBRUARY. OR ALL OF THE SNOWFLAKES WERE
SHOT BEFORE THEY REACHED THE GROUND.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT THIS ONE. A NEW INVESTIGATION HAS REVEALED
THAT SUBWAY'S CHICKEN CONTAINS ONLY ABOUT 50% CHICKEN DNA.
THOUGH THAT'S PRETTY MUCH BEST CASE SCENARIO FOR A DNA SWAB AT
SUBWAY. >> HARSH JOKE, COLLIN.
MARCH IN WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH. WHILE APRIL AS IT LOT OF BACKED
UP DISHES. >> IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE
UPCOMING LIVE ACTION VERSION OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST WILL
FEATURE THE FIRST GAY CHARACTER EVER IN A DISNEY MOVIE.
THE FIRST GAY CHARACTER? I MEAN, COME ON.
SHE GAVE A MERMAID A VAGINA. >> A THEATER IN ALABAMA REFUSED
TO SHOW THIS VERSION OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
IN ALABAMA, GAY CHARACTERS HAVE NO PLACE IN A MUSICAL ABOUT
BEASTIALITY. I KNOW WHEN I FOUND OUT MR.
HANDS WAS GAY, THAT REALLY TOOK ME OUT OF THE VIDEO.
WHAT ALABAMA BIGOT IS WATCHING A LADY MAKE OUT WITH A BIG FOOT
AND THINKING, YOU KNOW WHAT HAS TAKING ME OUT OF THIS CARTOON IS
THAT, FRUITY ASS CANDLE. >> THE PIZZA CHAIN FAMOUS
MAMIGLIA, OPENING IN GHANA WILL SHIP NEW YORK CITY WATER TO THE
AFRICAN COUNTRY TO MAKE PIZZA TASTE AUTHENTIC.
SAID GHANA, WAIT, YOU COULD HAVE SHIPPED US WATER THIS ENTIRE
TIME? GUYS?
>> A BRITISH SONGWRITER IS SUING U 2 CLAIMING THE BAND STOLE ONE
OF HIS SONGS. THOUGH TIE DON'T LIKE THE
SONGWRITER'S CHANCES BECAUSE HIS LAWYER IS WORKING PRO BONO.
>> HE INSISTED ON TELLING THAT. >> IT IS TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR OUR
>> IT IS TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR OUR NEWSCASTERS OF TOMORROW SEGMENT,
WHERE A KID JOINS US TO GIVE THE NEWS FROM THEIR PERSPECTIVE.
SO, PLEASE WELCOME KID ACTRESS LAURA PARSONS.
WHAT A THRILL TO BE HERE. NEWS TALKING ABOUT NEWS.
>> THAT WAS ADORABLE. LAURA, YOU ARE AN ACTRESS, DID
YOU WATCH THE OSCARS? >> OF COURSE I DID.
IT WAS SO EXCITING. ♪ CITY OF STARS ♪
THAT'S HOW PEOPLE SING IN HOLLYWOOD.
>> YEAH, VERY GOOD. DID YOU SEE ANY OF THE WINNING
MOVIES? >> WELL, I DIDN'T SEE
"MOONLIGHT." MY MOTHER SAYS IT'S TOO GROWN UP
FOR ME. BUT I KNOW IT FEATURED BRILLIANT
PERFORMANCES, AMAZING CINEMATOGRAPHY, AND A HANDJOB.
>> WAIT -- >> HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
SHOULD BE SAYING THAT, LAURA. WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT TERM?
WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT? >> SOME ONE WROTE IT ON THE WALL
OF OUR SCHOOL BATHROOM. AND SPEAKING OF SCHOOL BATHROOMS
TRUMP ROLLED BACK RIGHTS OF TRANSGENDER STUDENTS TO USE A
BATHROOM OF THEIR CHOICE. ISN'T THAT TERRIBLE?
>> YES, THAT'S RIGHT. BUT DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT THIS
ISSUE IS ABOUT? >> I THINK SO.
SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU SHOULD CHOOSE WHICH BATHROOM YOU USE
BASED ON YOUR GENDER IDENTITY. BUT THE GOVERNMENT WANTS TO LIFT
UP YOUR SKIRT AND JUDGE YOUR DING-DONGS.
>> LAURA, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT TRANSGENDER MEANS?
>> I THINK SO. IT'S WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN AT YOUR
PRIVATES AND SAY "WHY I OUGHT TO."
>> ALRIGHT, WHOA! LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
THAT'S NOT EVEN IN THE NEWS. HAVE YOU SEEN ANY GOOD TV SHOWS
LATELY? >> I SURE HAVE.
DO YOU LIKE PRANK SHOWS, MICHAEL.
>> NOT REALLY. >> WELL, I DO.
I LOVE ALL KIND OF PRANKS. EXCEPT LAST WEEK.
WHEN A WOMAN WAS TRICKED INTO SPRAYING KIM JONG-UN'S
HALF-BROTHER WITH NERVE TOXIN. >> HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT --
>> THE PRANK WAS MURDER! >> LAURA, I FEEL LIKE I SAY THIS
A LOT. BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING
LIGHTER. WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING FROM YOUR
LIFE? >> WELL, I AM GOING TO VISIT MY
GRANDPARENTS SOON. >> THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S VERY NICE. >> LUCKILY THEY LIVE IN A
BEAUTIFUL CONDO AND NOT ONE OF THE THOUSANDS OF NURSING HOMES
THAT'S BEEN CITED FOR ELDER ABUSE AND SEXUAL ASSAULT.
>> LAURA. >> YOU MIGHT WANNA GOOGLE IT
BEFORE NANA GETS RAPED. >> ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE, LAURA YOU -- YOU DID GREAT.
YOU REALLY DID. THANK YOU'S -- THANK YOU SO
MUCH. >> I DID.
>> YEAH, MAN. ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ >> LAURA PARSONS, EVERYBODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M
MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
GOODNIGHT. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Weekend Update on Church's Celibacy Rule - SNL

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