Weekend Update on A Day Without a Woman

>>> MINNESOTA SENATOR AL FRANKEN HAS ACCUSED ATTORNEY GENERAL
JEFF SESSIONS OF HAVING PRESSURED HIM AND PERJURED
HIMSELF DURING SENATE TESTIMONY IN RESPONSE TO A
QUESTION FRANKEN HIMSELF ASKED. HERE WITH A FOLLOW UP Q & A ARE
SENATOR FRANKEN AND ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS.
>> HELLO, HELLO. >> IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU GUYS.
>> WELL, IT'S SO GREAT TO BE HERE.
ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO SEE YOU, AL.
>> THE PLEASURE IS MINE. THIS ORDEAL HAS BEEN FUN FOR
EVERYONE. >> OH, MY.
>> I'M SURPRISED TO SEE YOU TWO HERE TOGETHER.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE THIS, BUT AL AND I ARE
ACTUALLY GREAT FRIENDS. >> THAT'S OVERSTATING IT.
>> I ONCE TOOK AL WHITEWATER RAFTING ON THE CHATTAHOOCHEE
RIVER AND AL SHOWED ME JEW STUFF.
>> WE HAD LUNCH AT A DELI, JEFF. >> YEAH.
HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO SAY "SCHMEAR."
SCHMEAR! I'D NEVER SEEN BALLS IN A SOUP
BEFORE. >> YEAH.
THEY WERE MATZAH BALLS, JEFF. >> WELL, YOU KNOW ME.
NO QUESTIONS ASKED. AND SPEAKING OF QUESTIONS, IT IS
TRUE YOU CAUGHT OLD BR'ER SESSIONS IN THE LIAR PATCH
AGAIN. AND I'M POWERFUL SORRY.
SO MAY I CORRECT THE RECORD? >> OKAY.
WELL, CAN YOU PLACE YOUR HAND ON THE BIBLE, PLEASE?
>> OF COURSE. LET'S RODEO, PARTNER.
>> MR. SESSIONS, IT APPEARS YOU'VE PLACED A HALLOWEEN-TYPE
PROP IN PLACE OF YOUR ACTUAL HAND.
>> WELL, YOU DID NOT SPECIFY MY BIOLOGICAL HAND, SENATOR
FRANKEN. THIS IS MY ORPHAN HAND.
I'M A DANGER TO THE COUNTRY. >> OKAY.
COULD YOU PLEASE PLACE YOUR NORMAL HUMAN HAND ON THE BIBLE?
>> OH, YOU'RE A TRICKY RACCOON, SENATOR.
ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT ME THERE.
BUT THEN I'M JUST A SIMPLE COUNTRY LIAR.
>> ARE YOU SAYING "LAWYER" OR "LIAR."
>> WHAT'S THAT? I'M SORRY.
THESE EARS ARE JUST DECORATIVE. >> OKAY.
PUT HER THERE. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH,
THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH, SO HELP YOU GOD?
>> ALABABY. >> EXCUSE ME?
>> THAT'S AN ALABAMA MAYBE. >> OH, MY.
>> OR A BABY DRESSED UP LIKE ALLADIN.
NOT THAT HE'D BE "ALLADIN" THE COUNTRY.
>> IT'S A TRAVEL BAN -- AND I HELPED!
>> MR. SESSIONS, WHY DO YOU DENY MEETING WITH RUSSIAN OFFICIALS
WHEN YOU HAD MET WITH THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR TWICE?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, I WAS ALL DISTRACTED.
I WAS TRYING TO EVADE THESE DASTARDLY ACCUSATIONS OF BEING A
RACIST, WHICH I AM NOT. WHERE I LIVE, RACISM IS
SIMPLY PART OF THE LANDSCAPE. >> WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
>> THE 1950s. >> I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU WERE
CONFIRMED. >> ME NEITHER.
WHAT CAN I SAY? I AM VERY SCARY.
>> AL FRANKEN AND JEFF SESSIONS, EVERYONE.
[ APPLAUSE ] [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS WEDNESDAY WAS A DAY WITHOUT A WOMAN, SPONSORED BY
JERGENS LOTION. >> Announcer: JERGENS -- YOU
KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR. >>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT
JENNIFER LOPEZ IS NOW DATING ALEX RODRIGUEZ.
J. LO AND A-ROD GO BY THE COOL CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME OF, YOU
GUESSED IT -- ALENNIFEX LODRAPEZ.
>>> FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, THE HAPPIEST CITY IN THE
COUNTRY IS NAPLES, FLORIDA. WHILE THE LEAST HAPPY CITY IS
ONCE AGAIN PUPPY FUNERAL, MINNESOTA.
>>> LAST WEEK WAS WORLD ORPHAN WEEK.
TO YOU ORPHANS OUT THERE, BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR.
>>> O.J. SIMPSON COULD BE RELEASED FROM PRISON AS SOON AS
THIS FALL. AND, LADIES, HE'S SINGLE.
>>> THE COFOUNDER OF THE WAFFLE HOUSE PASSED AWAY THIS WEEK AT
THE AGE OF 97. HE DIED THE WAY SO MANY WAFFLE
HOUSE PATRONS HAVE -- A KNIFE FIGHT IN THE PARKING
LOT. >>> EACH WEEK BRINGS A NEW
CONTROVERSY FOR PRESIDENT TRUMP AS WELL AS ANOTHER PERSON WHO
HAS TO DEFEND HIM TO THE MEDIA. HERE TO SORT ALL OF THIS OUT IS
PETE DAVIDSON WITH HIS FIRST IMPRESSIONS.
>> DEFENDING PRESIDENT TRUMP IS A REALLY TOUGH JOB.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO THEY BROUGHT OUT THIS GUY.
TRUMP SPOKESMAN AND JAMES BOND VILLAIN STEVE MILLER.
POOR STEVE. BUT HE LOOKS LIKE FREDO CORLEONE
HAD BEEN EVEN SICKER AS A CHILD. STILL, YOU HAVE TO GIVE HIM
CREDIT. HE'S MADE IT PRETTY FAR FOR A
GUY WHOSE HIGH SCHOOL VOTED HIM "MOST LIKELY TO HAVE A CIGAR BOX
FULL OF MISSING GIRLS' DRIVER'S LICENSES."
HE LASTED ABOUT A WEEK. THEN THEY GOT TO DEPUTY WHITE
HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, A SWEET
SOUTHERN GIRL YOU MARRY -- IF YOU'RE GAY.
I LIKE THAT ONE. SO NOW MEMBERS OF CONGRESS TRY
TO DEFEND TRUMP, LIKE THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON
OVERSIGHT, JASON CHAFFETZ. YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER HIM WHEN
HE PLAYED SIMPLE JACK FROM THE MOVIE "TROPIC THUNDER."
ANOTHER PERSON FORCED TO DEFEND TRUMP IS PAUL RYAN.
HE GOT TO BE HOUSE SPEAKER AFTER SOMEONE
WAVED A MAGIC WAND OVER A VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY.
ALL THE REPUBLICANS WANTED PAUL RYAN TO COME UP WITH
SOMETHING TO REPLACE OBAMACARE. AND NOW THAT HE DID, EVERYBODY
HATES IT. AND I KNOW WHAT THIS IS LIKE,
BECAUSE FOR YEARS PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME TO QUITE DRUGS
AND GET SOBER. AND NOW THAT I HAVE, EVERYONE
THINKS I'M VERY UNFUNNY AND BORING.
BUT NO ONE DEFENDS TRUMP BETTER BUT AT LEAST I HAVE DREAMS NOW
AND I HAVE STARTED WAKING UP WITH BONERS AGAIN.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, MAN. >> MAYBE NOT AS GREAT AS YOURS,
BUT WHATEVER. I'M SORRY.
BUT, YOU KNOW -- I'M SORRY. BUT NO ONE DEFENDS TRUMP BETTER
THAN FOX NEWS. AND IT STARTS EVERY MORNING WITH
"FOX & FRIENDS." THIS IS DONALD TRUMP'S FAVORITE
SHOW, BECAUSE THEY TRADE IN A NEW BLOND EVERY TWO YEARS.
THIS YEAR'S MODEL IS AINSLEY EARHARDT, WHO LOOKS LIKE
SHE'S WITH HER DAD'S FRIENDS WHO KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH
SHE'S GROWN. OF COURSE, THE KING OF TRUMP
SUPPORTERS IS SEAN HANNITY. HE LOOKS LIKE A THUMB WHICH
EXPLAINS WHY HE'S SO FAR UP TRUMP'S ASS.
[ APPLAUSE ] >> I HATE HIM, TOO.
I GUESS HE LOOKS LIKE TRUMP, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HIS HAIR IS ALSO
REALLY WEIRD. AND THE TOP OF HIS HEAD LOOKS
LIKE TWO EYEBROWS GOT TO LIVE THEIR DREAM OF BEING HAIR.
>> OH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYBODY.
>> GETTING BONERS AGAIN! >> FOR WEEKEND UPDATE I'M COLIN
JOST. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOOD NIGHT. >> GOOD NIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Weekend Update on A Day Without a Woman - SNL

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