15 Foods You've Been Eating Completely Wrong

• How do you stop candy apples from dripping all over your fingers?
What’s the quickest way to peel a banana without fail?
Here are 15 foods you’ve been eating totally and utterly wrong
15 – Ketchup Packets, • You know what’s fantastic?
Trying to open one of these bastards, only for it to explode & spray all over your hands.
Mmm.
Sauce residue.
My favourite.
• An even better idea though is to take your French fry, and just dunk it into the
packet.
Holy shit.
You were given a sauce tub and ya never realised.
• Now, don’t you feel like an idiot?
14 - Cupcakes, • You can hold the cupcake from the bottom
and eat it like a gremlin, watching ALL the crumbs fall into your lap.
You could rest your finger in the icing at the top.
• Or you could get your mind blown.
Twist the cupcake in half.
Flip it around.
Squash together.
Boom.
Cupcake sandwich.
Ung.
• Are your panties as moist as mine are right now?
13 - Taco, • You know what I think when I hear this
word?
How I have to clear a five mile splash radius across the kitchen table just to eat these
mess-ridden crunch machines • Oh, but Dolan, I have all this excess
lettuce that’s going to waste.
What am I gonna do?
• The taco.
Wrap that shit in delicious iceberg lettuce.
No more mess.
You’re welcome.
12 - Pasta, • You’ve been taught that trick, haven’t
you?
Twirling pasta onto a spoon?
Think you’re real, fucking clever, right?
STOP THAT.
• Twirling it on a spoon is offensive to all of Italy, and CUTTING your pasta with
a knife is unfathomable.
This is the kind of shit you go to JAIL for.
• Just use one fork and the side of your dish.
Christ.
It’s not difficult.
11 - Eggs, • Dolan, I’m so tired of heating each
egg manually with a blowtorch until it’s hard-boiled.
Do you have any hot tips?
• Bitch.
Whack them in a muffin tray and put them in the oven.
Give it half an hour, then put them on ice.
Once cooled, eat.
• Wrap it in lettuce if you don’t want a mess.
Wrap your hands in lettuce – make gloves.
Line your floors with lettuce.
10 - Apples, • You know what my mum told me when I was
a kid?
Don’t eat the apple core, it’s poisonous.
It’ll kill you.
Guess what?
SHE FUCKING LIED.
• You can eat the core.
You don’t have to waste half the apple just because you reached the centre.
• Don’t eat the seeds though.
You’ll literally have trees grow inside you.
She wasn’t lying about that…
9 – Ice Cream, • I think the most embarrassing thing I’ve
ever seen someone do is try to carve out rock hard ice cream from a tub with a spoon, one
little flake at a time.
• How about instead, you either run a knife under hot water for a few seconds, or better
yet – run the whole TUB under hot water for a bit.
Guess what?
Easy scoop.
You don’t have to sit there, jabbing the cream with your fucking spoon until it breaks.
8 – Kiwi Fruits, • These things are just absolute cunts to
peel.
You could do what I did as a kid, cut off the top and scoop out the goodness with a
spoon.
But here’s some better methods: • First, cut it into strips.
Pretty easy to peel skin off when it’s less than a millimetre thick.
But if you want to look like cool shit – cut off the top, then scoop out the entire delicious
green nectar with your spoon all at once.
• I showed this trick to my girlfriend a few years back.
And guess what?
We’re married now.
Yeah.
It’s just that good.
7 – Tic Tacs, • You know what sucks?
When you’re trying to eat one single tic tac and instead you eat a whole bunch of these
things because you swigged it to the back of your throat
• I really hate that I can’t just put them on the desk and pick one individual tic
tac and just eat that – oh wait, I can.
• Also I guess you can use the tic tac lid to grab out one at a time.
Whatever works.
6 – Ketchup Cups, • You’re getting some pristine foodies,
hauling it back to your shanty.
The sauce sloshes around, getting the bag all wet.
You’re home, you dip a chip in the sauce, oh, it spilled, GG.
• Here’s where you went wrong.
That cardboard drinks holder you got?
When you’re home, you don’t need it anymore.
But don’t throw that shit out.
• PUT YOUR SAUCE IN IT.
Give it a home.
Now dip away.
Blew your mind again.
5 – Candy Apples, • We all love a bit of goo now and then.
I love slurping it up and gettin’ my face all funky.
What triggers me though are sticky fingers.
That’s just digusting.
• Turn your apple 90 degrees and eat it sideways.
Would you look at that?
Your fingers aren’t getting gooey on anymore.
• Now you’re free to slosh it all over your face, as nature intended.
4 - Peas, • Stop using your fork or spoon as a boat
to carry peas up to your fat stupid mouth.
How about instead you put on a bit of class, and spear them with the fork tips?
• Nothing says class than someone who has speared a line of 4 peas in multiple distinct
rows on a single fork, then rake them off in one go with your teeth.
• Or pile peas on mashed potato and glue them together.
Just please stop flying the god damn pea aeroplane into your dumb face.
3 - Strawberry, • It’s really painful to try and pull
the stem off these things one leaf at a time.
Not unless you want to swallow it whole, choke and die just to get away from this Earth.
• You got straws handy?
Thread it through the bottom of the strawberry to the top.
The stem will come right off.
• Now just do that seven million more times for every single one that you eat.
2 - Bananas, • Every single time I eat a banana, I’m
scraping at the stem like an idiot trying to get the thing to break and bend so I can
eat the delicious yellow crap inside, but it hardly ever breaks
• Well, genius, monkeys figured out how to do it better.
Grab it from the opposite end, squeeze slightly, pull the flaps and it’ll open up like a
flower.
• Apes 1.
You and me, negative a billion.
1 – Dental Floss • Let’s talk serious for a moment.
Not all of us can afford to buy knives.
Expensive, luxurious kitchens – sure.
But sometimes knives are just a little too much.
• Instead, why not cut cakes & cheese using floss?
That same stuff you never use on your teeth?
Here it’s perfect for cutting all kinds of deserts.
• If you’re still making a mess, cover your kitchen counter with lettuce.
You can’t go wrong.

15 Foods You've Been Eating Completely Wrong

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