Big Furry Hat: Farting Soundtrack Edition

>> Stephen: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S AMAZING!
JON, GOOD TO SEE YA.
HAPPY 4/20, BUT I KNOW THAT'S NOT IN YOUR MIX.
>> Jon: I DON'T MESS WITH THAT.
I DON'T MESS WITH IT.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND.
>> Jon: I'M HIGH OFF THE MUSIC!
>> Stephen: GOOD FOR YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS THE HOST OF A TALK SHOW, I
WIELD ENORMOUS POWER.
BUT AS POWERFUL AS I AM, THERE ARE THOSE EVEN MORE POWERFUL
THAN I.
HISTORY'S MOST MERCILESS DESPOTS, LIKE GENGHIS KHAN,
VLADIMIR PUTIN, AND JARED LETO.
( LAUGHTER ) DEFY HIS RULE, AND HE WILL
IMPALE YOU ON HIS CHEEKBONES.
ALL OF US HAVE ONE THING IN COMMON: AN ACADEMY AWARD FOR
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, AND A BIG FURRY HAT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( DRUM CADENCE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: NOW THAT THIS HAT IS
UPON MY HEAD, ANY PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE ARE NOW AND FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
( DRUM BEAT ) HENCEFORTH: TOTE BAGS WILL JUST
BE CALLED "BAGS."
ALL BAGS TOTE.
I DON'T COME TO WORK IN A "DRIVING CAR."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, ANYONE
WHO EATS WITH THEIR MOUTH OPEN MUST ALSO DRINK WITH THEIR MOUTH
OPEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AS OF NOW, MULTITASKING SHALL BE CALLED BY ITS TRUE NAME: "DOING
MULTIPLE THINGS BADLY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALL DOGS ARE OFFICIALLY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT DOGS.
WE DON'T LET THEM LIVE WITH US BECAUSE THEY PAY RENT.
( APPLAUSE ) HEAR MY VOICE: IF YOU EAT AN ICE
CREAM SUNDAE THAT YOU DON'T LIKE, IT IS NOW AN ICE CREAM
MONDAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HEREAFTER, IF YOU SWIPE LEFT ON SOMEONE ON TINDER, YOU WILL BE
PRESENTED WITH TEN PEOPLE WHO SWIPED LEFT ON YOU.
BECAUSE, YOU'RE SUCH A CATCH?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO IT IS WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE --
ANYONE WHO GETS PRETENTIOUS ABOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC ON
VINYL MUST ALSO USE A ROTARY PHONE AND NO PENICILLIN FOR YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FROM NOW UNTIL THE LIGHT OF THE UNIVERSE IS EXTINGUISHED: ALL
YOGA CLASSES WILL PLAY SOUNDTRACKS WITH AMBIENT FARTING
NOISES, SO WE NEVER KNOW WHO IN THE CLASS IS RESPONSIBLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BE IT DECREED: IN-FLIGHT
MAGAZINES MUST HAVE AT LEAST ONE ARTICLE THAT I'D WANT TO READ ON
THE GROUND.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANYONE WHO SAYS "AWWWWKWARD" WILL BE "MURRRRDERED."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: FROM THIS INSTANT, BEING RELATE TO DONALD TRUMP
DOES NOT QUALIFY YOU FOR A GOVERNMENT JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEITHER DOES BEING DONALD TRUMP.
THE HAT HAS SPOKEN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ELIZABETH MOSS. ( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

Big Furry Hat: Farting Soundtrack Edition

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