Donald Trump at the Mine Cold Open

DO WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO WASHINGTON, BUT HE DECIDED TO BE WITH THE
PEOPLE WHO BROUGHT HIM THERE. PLEASE WELCOME THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP. >> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. WE ALL LOVE TRUMP, DON'T WE.
WE DO. I HAD AN AMAZING WEEK, FOLKS.
CHINA, E JUPT AND JORDAN. GORSUCH WAS CONFIRMED AND THE
MEDIA IS SAYING NICE THINGS AND NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT RUSSIA.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE 59 TOMAHAWK MISSILES CAN MAKE.
I WANT TO SPEND 20 MINUTES TODAY WITH MY PEOPLE.
FOLK WHO IS DON'T WHISPER OH, GOD, WHAT'S HAPPENING AFTER I
LEAVE THE ROOM. I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU.
THINGS HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH SINCE I WAS GROWING UP.
A LOT OF PVERTY IS WHITE NOW. ISN'T THAT CRAZY.
YOU LIKE THAT I BOMBED SYRIA? >> I SURE DO, SIR, BUT I WANTED
TO TALK ABOUT MY JOB. I RECENTLY GOT LAID OFF FROM A
COAL MINING PLANT. >> GOD, I LOVE COAL.
YOU GUYS HAVE SUFFERED TERRIBLY. WORSE THAN ANYONE.
I AM GOING TO DO EVERYTHING I CAN TO MAKE SURE YOU PEOPLE WORK
IN COAL FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES.
AND YOUR KIDS WILL WORK IN COAL AND YOUR GRANDKIDS.
IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLE. >> MR. PRESIDENT, THANK YOU SO
MUCH, BUT ALL WE WANT ARE GOOD JOBS.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE IN COAL. >> SORRY, IT'S ALL COAL.
IN TRUMP'S AMERICA, MEN WORK IN TWO PLACES.
COAL MINES AND GOLDMAN SACHS. CAREFUL, I'M CUTTING ALL JOB
KILLING REGULATIONS. I'M PROUD TO ANNOUNCE THAT AS OF
TODAY, YOUR COAL MINES WILL HAVE NO REGULATIONS.
NONE. IT'S A FREE-FOR-ALL.
HOW ABOUT YOU. ARE YOU GLAD THAT I BOMBED
SYRIA. >> I GUESS SO.
I FOUND OUT MY PREMIUMS HAVE GONE UP AND I HAVE TO DRIVE 90
MINUTES TO SEE A DOCTOR. I KNOW YOU TRIED YOUR BEST TO
FIX IT BUT YOU COULDN'T. >> PAUL RYAN DID, BUT I DID.
I POSED FOR PICTURES AND WENT HONK, HONK!
I WON'T GIVE UP. I AM TALKING WITH THE FREEDOM
CAUCUS AND WE ARE GOING TO GET RID OF IT?
>> MY HEALTH CARE? ALL OF IT?
>> ALL OF IT. GONE.
AFTER WE ARE DONE. YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE TO
SEE A DOCTOR AGAIN. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
>> I TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT, SIR. THERE MUST BE SOME REASON YOU
ARE A BILLIONAIRE. >> WE THINK EXACTLY ALIKE.
I SAY QUIETLY TO MYSELF, ALL THE TIME ACTUALLY.
THERE MUST BE SOME REASON I'M A BILLIONAIRE.
WHO IS NEXT UP? >> I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE
WHO IS ADDICTED TO PAIN KILLERS. >> SUSAN RICE.
PUT HER IN JAIL, RIGHT? >>.
>> I WORK IN UNIONS, BUT MY WIFE WON'T MOVE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A
REHAB PROGRAM AN HOUR AWAY. >> MY WIFE DOESN'T WANT TO MOVE
EITHER. 200 MILES AWAY AND COSTING THE
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, BUT SHE LOVES HER OWN
BED. CRAZY.
>> LIKE I WAS SAYING, MY WIFE STAYS BECAUSE OF THE FEDERAL
REHAB PROGRAM. >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
WE WILL GET RID OF IT. >> YOU ARE GETTING RID OF IT?
>> JUNKING IT. JUNKED.
NOW SHE CAN LIVE WHEREVER SHE WANTS.
DID I MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER NOW? >> I'M NOT SURE, BUT I VOTED FOR
YOU AND YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT. >> THAT'S WHY I CAME HERE.
YOU STAND BY ME NOW MATTER WHAT. YOU FOUND A FINGER IN YOUR CHILI
AND STILL EAT THE CHILI AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
CHILI. IT'S TREMENDOUS.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING. I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT MY OWN
CHILD WHO IS IN AN AFTER SCHOOL PROGRAM.
>> JUNKED. >> OKAY.
GREAT. I WORK TWO JOBS FOR MINIMUM
WAGE. >> MINIMUM WAGE, GONE.
GONE. >> OKAY.
PERFECT. IT'S JUST WE CAN'T AFFORD A NEW
HOUSE BECAUSE MY MORGAN IS UNDER WATER.
>> WE ARE GETTING RIGHT OF THAT? >> MY MORTGAGE?
>> YOUR HOUSE. >> WE CAN'T DRINK THE WATER
BECAUSE THERE IS LEAD IN IT. >> WE WILL KEEP THAT.
WE STILL LOVE TRUMP? >> YOU ARE MY PRESIDENT.
>> YOU ARE BLOWING MY MIND. KEEP EATING THAT FINGER CHILI.
REMEMBER I'M ONE OF YOU AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY
NIGHT!

Donald Trump at the Mine Cold Open - SNL

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