Donald Trump Cold Open

SPEAKER, GET MY LIST OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
>> OF COURSE, SIR. NOMINATED NEIL GORSUCH.
>> SCOTT, I LOVE THAT LIST. WHAT A LONG, BEAUTIFUL LIST.
YOU FORGOT ALL THE BOMBINGS THAT I'VE BEEN DOING.
I JUST GOT THE MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS ON ISIS.
IT'S THE BIGGEST, FATTEST BOMB THEY'VE EVER SEEN.
IT'S SO BIG AND FAT, IT ALMOST LOOKS LIKE ME WHEN I'M ON MY
GOLF CLOTHES. >> I'LL ADD THAT TO THE LIST,
SIR. >> LOOK AROUND, MIKE.
WE GOT SO MANY GREAT MEMORIES IN THIS ROOM.
>> YES, IF THESE WALLS COULD TALK.
>> OH MY GOD, IT WASN'T ME. >> NO, NO SIR.
THAT'S JUST A SAYING. >> ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, SO
MANY MEMORIES IN THIS ROOM. THIS IS WHERE I MET WITH THE
CHINESE PRESIDENT. >> THAT WAS AT MAR-A-LAGO SIR.
>> THIS IS WHERE I ORDERED THE SYRIAN STRIKE.
>> THAT WAS ALSO AT MAR-A-LAGO, SIR.
>> THIS IS WHERE I SHOWED CLASSIFIED INFORMATION TO THE
JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER. >> THAT WAS IN FRONT OF WAITERS
AT MAR-A-LAGO, SIR. >> BUT THE ONE THING THAT WAS
HERE FOR SURE, I REMEMBER, WHEN I REFUSED TO SHAKE HANDS WITH
THAT LITTLE GERMAN BOY. >> YOU MEAN ANGELA MERKEL.
>> WHATEVER HIS NAME WAS. POINT IS, THESE 100 DAYS HAVE
BEEN SUCH A SUCCESS. AND I'M SO SAD THAT MY
PRESIDENCY IS FINALLY COMING TO AN END.
>> OH, NO, NO. NO, SIR.
YOU STILL HAVE OVER 1,300 DAYS LEFT.
>> I DON'T KNOW. HAVE YOU SEEN MY TWEETS ABOUT
NORTH KOREA? THIS COULD ALL BE OVER BY
MONDAY. >> SIR, I LOVE WHEN YOU SO
CASUALLY JOKE ABOUT NORTH KOREA. >> NO, NO, I TAKE NORTH KOREA
VERY SERIOUSLY. KIM JONG-UN IS A BAD, BAD GUY.
HE'S A WAR MONGER. HE'S QUICK TO ANGER.
HE'S A HUGE NARCISSIST. HE'S GOT THE STUPID LITTLE
HAIRCUT. I MEAN, HOW CAN A LITTLE MAN
LIKE THAT RUN AN ENTIRE COUNTRY? >> I HAVE NO IDEA, SIR.
I JUST WISH YOU'D LEAVE NORTH KOREA ALONE.
WE HAVE PLENTY OF PROBLEMS AT HOME.
FOR EXAMPLE, YOUR TOP ADVISOR STEVE BANNON AND JARED KUSHNER
HAVE BEEN AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.
IT'S A HUGE DISTRACTION FOR US. I THINK YOU NEED TO TALK TO
THEM. >> FINE.
SEND IN STEVE BANNON. SEND HIM IN.
WOW, YOU'VE NEVER LOOKED YOUNGER.
NOW SEND IN MY SWEET LITTLE KUSH BALL JARED KUSHNER.
♪♪♪ BOYS, I HAVE CALLED YOU HERE FOR
AN IMPORTANT REASON. MIKE, WILL YOU EXCUSE US?
>> HAPPY TO, SIR. MOTHER IS WAITING, THAT'S WHAT I
CALL MY WIFE. >> NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT.
DON'T DO THAT. I MEAN, I KNOW I'M BAD WITH
WOMEN, BUT SOMEHOW THAT'S WORSE. >> UNDERSTOOD, FATHER.
>> JARED, STEVE, STANDING BEFORE ME ARE MY TWO TOP ADVISORS.
BUT I ONLY HAVE ONE PHOTO IN MY HAND.
THAT'S RIGHT, TONIGHT IS ELIMINATION NIGHT.
THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF DRAMA IN THE HOUSE AND THAT'S WHY ONE OF
YOU MUST GO. BUT GETS TO STAY?
JARED, YOU TAKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PHOTOS.
STEVE, YOU TAKE THE WORST PHOTOS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.
AND I'M NOT JOKING. WHEN I SEE A PHOTO OF YOU, I CAN
JUST PUKE. JARED, I'VE SENT YOU ALL-AROUND
THE WORLD TO REPRESENT ME AND NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD YOU SPEAK.
YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE JEWISH-OMALY.
AND STEVE, YOU MAY BE SMART, BUT I ONCE WALKED IN ON YOU EATING A
LIVE PIG IN THE ROOSEVELT ROOM. >> YEAH.
>> MOMENT OF TRUTH. THE PHOTO IN MY HAND REPRESENTS
THE MAN WHO WILL BE STAYING TONIGHT.
YOU WILL GET TO KEEP ADVISING ME AND YOU WILL ALSO GET
$100,000 COURTESY OF L'OREAL. IF YOU DO NOT SEE YOUR PHOTO,
YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY LEAVE THE OVAL OFFICE AND JOIN
KELLYANNE CONWAY IN THE BASEMENT.
BUT DON'T WORRY, YOUR JOURNEY DOESN'T END TONIGHT BECAUSE YOU
WILL GET TO COME BACK WHEN THE WHOLE THING IS OVER AND DECIDE
IF I GO TO PRISON. AND THE PERSON THAT WILL STAY ON
AS MY ADVISER IS -- JARED. YOU HAVE DONE IT, JARED.
STEVE, I'M SORRY. IT'S TIME FOR TO YOU SAY
GOODBYE. TAKE HIM AWAY.
JARED, SUCH AN INSPIRATION. YOU SHOWED EVERYBODY THAT IF YOU
WERE BORN RICH AND MARRIED MY DAUGHTER, YOU CAN HAVE ANYTHING
YOU WANT. PLEASE HAVE A SEAT AT YOUR NEW
DESK. IF YOU NEED ME, I WILL BE OVER
HERE IN MINE. AND THEN, JARED, I KNOW YOU
DON'T LIKE TO TALK, BUT WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT AWAY?
GOD HE IS A CUTE LITTLE TWINK! >> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT! ♪♪♪

Donald Trump Cold Open - SNL

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