Donald Trump Jr. Wants To Make New York Great Again

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
THAT'S A FRIDAY CROWD.
>> Jon: THAT'S A FRIDAY CROWD.
>> Stephen: CAN'T FAKE THAT.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS BEING FRIDAY, LET'S TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK.
NOW, HERE'S THE THING-- WE TALK ABOUT DONALD TRUMP A LOT ON THIS
SHOW, BUT IT'S FRIDAY, SO LET'S TAKE A LITTLE BREAK AND TALK
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, JR. ( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S THAT LOVABLE SCAMP-UP TO?
IS HE INVENTING A NEW HAIR-SLICKING TECHNOLOGY OR
SITTING ON A TREE STUMP DAYDREAMING ABOUT A NEW
ENDANGERED SPECIES TO SHOOT?
WHO KNOWS?
NO, ACCORDING TO PAGE SIX, DONALD TRUMP JR. IS CONSIDERING
A RUN FOR GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK.
>> Audience: BOOO!
>> Stephen: LOOK, LOOK, THAT IS ABSURD AND IT WILL NEVER
HAPPEN.
IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE SIDE SIX MONTHS AGO.
NOW, WE ARE SCREWED.
TRUMP THE LESSER TALKED TO A GUN CLUB IN LONG ISLAND AND SAID,
WHILE HE'S INTERESTED IN BEING GOVERNOR, "THE POSITION OF MAYOR
OF NEW YORK WOULD BE LESS INTERESTING TO HIM."
OH, REALLY?
LESS INTERESTING TO YOU.
CONSIDERING YOUR DAD LOST HERE BY 90 POINTS, THAT'S LIKE AN
EIGHTH GRADE BOY SAYING, "SCARLETT JOHANSSEN, JUST NOT
THAT INTERESTING TO ME RIGHT NOW."
BUT UNTIL DON JR. IS GOVERNOR, HE'S GOT HIS HANDS FULL RUNNING
HIS DAD'S BUSINESS, ALONG WITH HIS BROTHER AND 1980s MOVIE
HENCHMAN WITH NO SPEAKING LINES, ERIC TRUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) IN A RECENT INTERVIEW, ERIC
TRUMP DEFENDED HIS FATHER'S TENDENCY TO PUT HIS OWN
OFFSPRING IN CHARGE, SAYING: "NEPOTISM IS KIND OF A FACTOR OF
LIFE."
>> WE MIGHT BE HERE BECAUSE OF NEPOTISM, BUT WE'RE NOT STILL
HERE BECAUSE OF NEPOTISM.
WE DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB IF WE WEREN'T COMPETENT, BELIEVE ME,
WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS SPOT.
SO HE'S AWARE ENOUGH TO REALIZE HE WAS BORN ON THIRD BASE, AND
COMPETENT ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE WANDERED OFF INTO THE OUTFIELD.
( APPLAUSE ) OH, THERE'S A NEW-- HE'S
SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY.
HE'S SOMEBODY'S LITTLE BOY.
YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP.
OH, THERE'S A NEW SCANDAL ROCKING WASHINGTON!
WE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT A SECRET SERVICE AGENT WHO GUARDS
MIKE PENCE WAS SUSPENDED AFTER ALLEGEDLY CONSORTING WITH A
PROSTITUTE AT A MARYLAND HOTEL.
THE VICE PRESIDENT WAS REPORTEDLY VERY ANGRY WITH THE
AGENT AS SOON AS SOMEONE EXPLAINED TO HIM WHAT A
PROSTITUTE IS.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A WOMAN WHO WILL HAVE
DINNER WITH YOU WHEN YOUR WIFE IS NOT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF YOU PAY FOR DINNER, SHE'S A PROSTITUTE.
THAT'S IN THE BIBLE.
LEVITICUS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> Jon: WOW, WOW!
>> Stephen: AND IT TURNS OUT THAT SECRET SERVICE GUY IS NOT
THE ONLY PERSON IN D.C. WHO LIKES THE SEXY TIME.
WE JUST FOUND OUT ONE OF TRUMP'S NEW HIRES, LOUISIANA REPUBLICAN
AND PATTON OSWALT COSPLAYER, JASON DORE-- THIS GUY WHO WORKED
FOR TRUMP WAS NIEMED IN THE ASHLEY MADISON HACK.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT ASHLEY MADISON IS.
FIRST, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOUR MARRIAGE IS STRONG.
BECAUSE IT'S A DATING SITE FOR MARRIED PEOPLE WHOSE SLOGAN
WAS "LIFE IS SHORT, HAVE AN AFFAIR."
YES, AN AFFAIR IS ON EVERYONE'S BUCKET LIST, RIGHT ABOVE
"GETTING CHLAMYDIA."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, MISTER DORE HAS AN EXCUSE.
LIKE MOST HUSBANDS, HE CLAIMED BACK IN 2015 THAT HE WAS ONLY ON
ASHLEY MADISON BECAUSE THE SITE WAS USED FOR "OPPOSITION
RESEARCH."
THAT'S RIGHT, IT WAS RESEARCH.
HONEY, I ONLY ORDERED THOSE VIDEOS TO FIND OUT WHY THOSE
GIRLS WERE GOING WILD.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT THEM?
EASTER IS COMING.
ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN NEW ORLEANS?
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: I'LL BE IN NORTH CAROLINA.
OVER IN THE U.K, PEOPLE ARE UPSET BECAUSE CADBURY, THE
PEOPLE MAKING THE EGGS, THEY HAVE DROP THE WORD "EASTER" FROM
THE ANNUAL EGG HUNT AND RENAMED IT "CADBURY'S GREAT BRITISH EGG
HUNT."
THE PRIME MINISTER WEIGHED IN.
THE ARCHBISHOP OF WORK-- WHO I BELIEVE INVENTED THE PEPPERMINT
PATTI-- THE ARCHBISHOP OF YORK SAID THAT
OMITTING THE REFERENCE TO EASTER WAS AKIN TO SPITTING ON THE
GRAVE OF JOHN CADBURY.
I THINK IT'S KIND OF WEIRD THAT THE ARCHBISHOP IS DEFENDING JOHN
CADBURY AND, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE NOT JESUS?
HE'S THE REASON WE CELEBRATE EASTER, OKAY.
HE'S WHY WE HAVE THE EGGS.
HE'S THE TRUE MIRACLE OF EASTER WHEN JESUS EMERGED FROM THE TOMB
AND MADE THE BUNNY LAY AN EGG.
AND THE BUNNY DID GOETH FORTH TO HIDE THOSE EGGS, WHICH THE
CHILDREN THEN FOUND AND DISCOVERED THAT THEY DID NOT
JUST CONTAIN CHOCOLATE, BUT ETERNAL LIFE.
AND A WEIRD SUGAR GOO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S DESIGNED TO RESEMBLE RAW EGG.
THIS IS THE WORD OF THE LORD.

Donald Trump Jr. Wants To Make New York Great Again

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