If You're Watching This, Thermonuclear War Hasn't Wiped Out Humanity

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY PEOPLE.
HAPPY PEOPLE, OF COURSE.
HAPPY TAX DAY, EVERYBODY.
THIS IS THE DAY WHEN WE ALL RELEASE OUR TAX RETURNS TO THE
MAN WHO WON'T RELEASE HIS.
NOW, TAX DAY IS TRADITIONALLY ON THE 15th, BUT SINCE THAT WAS ON
A SATURDAY, THIS YEAR THEY GAVE EVERYONE THREE MORE DAYS TO
FIGURE OUT HOW THEIR BATHROOM IS A "HOME OFFICE."
( LAUGHTER ) I DO A LOT OF READING IN THERE.
I DO A LOT-- A LOT OF READING IN THRNCHTS A LOT OF TWEETING, YOU
KNOW.
>> Stephen: BUT ON THE 15th, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE
ACROSS THE COUNTRY, MARCHED TO GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BEAUTIFUL IDEA.
LOVELY.
LOVELY IDEA.
BUT THE TAX MARCH DID NOT GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS TAXES, MUCH
LIKE THE WOMEN'S MARCH DID NOT GET TRUMP TO RELEASE HIS WOMAN,
BUT NICE TRY, NICE TRY.
BUT HE DID RELEASE SOME TWEETS.
"I DID WHAT WAS AN ALMOST AN IMPOSSIBLE THING TO DO FOR A
REPUBLICAN-- EASILY WON THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE!
NOW TAX RETURNS ARE BROUGHT UP AGAIN?"
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, I KNOW YOU WON, BUT YOU
KNOW THOSE THINGS AREN'T RELATED, RIGHT?
"HEY, I JUST WON A SPELLING BEE!
WHY ARE YOU LOOKING IN MY CRAWL SPACE?"
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
AND TRUMP DEMANDED TO KNOW WHO WAS REALLY BEHIND THE TAX
MARCHES.
"SOMEONE SHOULD LOOK INTO WHO PAID FOR THE SMALL ORGANIZED
RALLIES YESTERDAY.
THE ELECTION IS OVER!" YES, WHO PAID FOR THE RALLIES?
I MEAN, THEY WERE AUTHENTIC AND DREW PEOPLE OF ALL AGES, SO
WE KNOW IT WASN'T PEPSI.
( LAUGHTER ) DELICIOUS.
I COULD GO.
DELICIOUS PRODUCT, THOUGH, IT'S A DELICIOUS PRODUCT.
PLEASE BUY IT.
ARE THEY A SPONSOR?
ARE THEY A SPONSOR?
SURE, WHY NOT?
AND YESTERDAY, DURING SEAN SPICER'S DAILY SPICENING, THE
QUESTION OF TRUMP'S TAXES CAME UP AGAIN.
>> IS IT TIME TO JUST SAY ONCE AND FOR ALL, THE PRESIDENT IS
NEVER GOING TO RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS?
>> UMM, WE'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT.
>> IF YOU WANT-- I MEAN, SO YOU... I MEAN, REALLY?
>> REALLY.
>> SO HE MAY?
>> NO, I SAID I'D HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT.
>> SO YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY IF HE'LL EVER RELEASE HIS TAXES?
NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS?
HOW ABOUT THIS SCENARIO-- ALIENS TAKE OVER THE EARTH, ENSLAVE
MANKIND, AND THEIR ONE WEAKNESS THE ONE WAY TO DESTROY THEM AND
FREE HUMANITY IS THEY ARE EASILY SUSCEPTIBLE TO 2000-200STEF
ITEMIZED TAX RETURNS FROM DONALD J. TRUMP. WOULD HE
RELEASE THEM THEN?
>> I SAID I'D HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT.
>> Stephen: HE'S CONSISTENT, HE'S CANNOT.
OF COURSE, WHO HAS TIME TO WORRY ABOUT TAXES WHEN WE'RE ABOUT TO
GO TO WAR WITH NORTH KOREA.
BUT NEVER FEAR, THE WHITE HOUSE SENT MIKE PENCE TO THE D.M.Z.,
AND BECAUSE THE SITUATION IS SO SERIOUS, HE WORE HIS TOP GUN
HALLOWEEN COSTUME.
( LAUGHTER ) ♪ THE DANGER ZONE ♪
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE-- I WOULDN'T MIND-- I WOULD LIKE TO SEE MIKE
PENCE PLAY SHIRTLESS VOLLEYBALL IN BLUE JEANS.
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT WOULD BE NICE.
>> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY, IF HIS WIFE WAS THERE.
AND PENCE HAS GOT HIS WORK CUT OUT FOR HIM BECAUSE YESTERDAY A
NORTH KOREAN U.N.
REPRESENTATIVE WARNED "THERMONUCLEAR WAR MAY BREAK OUT
AT ANY MOMENT."
NOW, THIS SHOW PRE-TAPES, SO IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS AT HOME
RIGHT NOW, WE MADE IT!
TO...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 11-- 11:41.
I'M GOING TO CALL 11:41.
AND THIS TIME, IT ISN'T NORTH KOREA WITH AN ERRATIC,
TRIGGER-HAPPY LEADER.
ACCORDING TO ONE RUSSIAN OFFICIAL, "TRUMP IS MORE
IMPULSIVE AND UNPREDICTABLE THAN KIM JONG-UN."
WELL, THEN, RUSSIA, YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU
ELECTED HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) OUR PRESIDENT-.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT?
WHAT!
WHAT!
I JUST PUT THE-- I FORGOT TO PUT THE-- I'M SURE CBS WON'T MIND.
( LAUGHTER ) LUCKILY, OUR PRESIDENT HAD SOME
REASSURING WORDS THIS MORNING ON "THE FOX AND THE FRIENDS."
>> THE VICE PRESIDENT IS IN ASIA DOING THE FOUR-STOP TOUR, AND HE
SAID, BASICALLY, THE U.S. IS RUNNING OUT OF PATIENCE, CLEARLY
A MESSAGE TO NORTH KOREA.
YOU HAVE A NAVY FLEET THAT IS SENT INTO THE SEA OF JAPAN
RIGHT NOW.
HAVE YOU RULED OUT A MILITARY STRIKE?
>> I DON'T WANT TO TELEGRAPH WHAT I'M DOING OR WHAT I'M
THINKING.
>> Stephen: OKAY, BUT CAN YOU AT LEAST CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE
THINKING AND THAT YOU'RE FAMILIAR WITH MORE CURRENT
TECHNOLOGY THAN A TELEGRAPH?
( LAUGHTER ) NO MATTER WHAT TRUMP WAS ASKED
IN THIS INTERVIEW, THEY TAPED IT MONDAY BUT SHOWED IT THIS
MORNING.
TRUMP NEVER GAVE A STRAIGHT ANSWER.
>> DID WE SABOTAGE THE NORTH KOREA STRIKE?
>> I DON'T WANT TO COMMENT ON IT.
>> OKAY, WHAT HAPPENS IF NORTH KOREA LAUNCHES ANOTHER MISSILE?
>> WE WILL FIND OUT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
HAVE A GOOD WAR.
NOW HERE'S A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR EVERBLAST
SUBTERREAN, LEAD-LINED BUNKERS, "EVERYONE ELSE IS DEAD."
THEY'RE STILL WORKING ON THEIR MOTTO.
THEY'RE STILL WORKING ON THEIR MOTTO.
ARE THEY A SPONSOR FOR US?
I'D LOVE TO BE IN MY BLAST SHELTER WITH A PEPSI.
IT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
ALSO, I NOTICED SOMETHING ODD ABOUT HOW TRUMP REFERS TO NORTH
KOREA'S LEADER: >> BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'VE BEEN
TALKING WITH THIS GENTLEMAN FOR A LONG TIME.
THEY HAVE ALL BEEN OUTPLAYED BY THIS GENTLEMAN.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK TRUMP KNOWS KIM JONG-UN'S NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T-- "THIS GENTLEMAN.
?" ARE THEY GOING TO A STRIP CLUB
TOGETHER?
WHY DOES HE KEEP CALLING HIM "THIS GENTLEMAN?"
EITHER THAT, OR THE BEST NICKNAME HE CAN COME UP WITH IS
"THIS GENTLEMAN."
AND, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE KNOWN FOR YOUR NICKNAMES.
YOUR LYIN' TED, YOUR CROOKED HILLARY.
AND THIS GUY IS A NAME BONANZA.
HOW ABOUT SHIITAKE MUSHROOM HAIR, THE DEAR EATER, CHAIRMAN
COW, THE DICTATOR TOT, EL PRESIDUMPTY, THE GLORIOUS
PEOPLE'S RE-PIGLET.
ANYTHING AT ALL FOR THIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOKS FANTASTIC.
NOW, WE KNOW TRUMP NEVER BACKS DOWN FROM A FIGHT AS LONG AS
SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO HIS FIGHTING.
JUST LISTEN-- JUST LISTEN TO ONE OF HIS RALLIES WILL LAST YEAR
WHEN SOME PROTESTERS INTERRUPTED HIS SPEECH.
>> GET 'EM OUT.
GET 'EM OUT.
GET 'EM OUT.
LOOK WHO WE HAVE HERE, SOME WONDERFUL PEOPLE.
AWWWWW.
GET OUT OF HERE!
GET OUT!
GET OUT!
UNBELIEVABLE!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
>> Stephen: U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
THAT GUY'S IN CHARGE OF THE U.S.A.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THAT WAS IN LOUISVILLE LAST
YEAR, AND TRUMP'S SUPPORTERS PROVIDED ALL THE SLUGGING.
AND NOW THOSE PROTESTORS ARE SUING DONALD TRUMP FOR INCITING
VIOLENCE AT HIS RALLIES, WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE SUING OLIVE
GARDEN FOR INCITING BREADSTICKS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE PRESIDENT HAS A SIMPLE
COUNTERARGUMENT: SUCK IT.
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENCY, HE SAYS MAKES HIM IMMUNE TO LAWSUITS.
OH, IMMUNE TO LAWSUITS.
I FINALLY KNOW WHY HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT.
"MR. TRUMP, MR. TRUMP, MR. TRUMP, AS YOUR LAWYER I
SHOULD ADVISE YOU, YOU HAVE OVER 70 PENDING LAWSUITS AGAINST
YOU."
"OKAY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
GIVE ME THAT HAT."
ONE WHITE NATIONALIST WHO'S BEING SUED BY PROTESTERS,
MATTHEW HEIMBACH, CLAIMS THAT TRUMP SHOULD HAVE TO PAY ANY
DAMAGES BECAUSE HEIMBACH, "ACTED PURSUANT TO THE DIRECTIVES AND
REQUESTS OF DONALD J. TRUMP."
SO TO SUM UP: A WHITE SUPREMACIST ROUGHS UP PROTESTOR,
PROTESTOR SUES WHITE SUPREMACIST, AND INSTEAD OF
BLAMING MINORITIES, WHITE SUPREMACIST BLAMES HIS
PROBLEMS ON A POWERFUL WHITE GUY.
PROGRESS, BABY STEPS.
BABY STEPS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAKES YOU FEEL-- SOMEWHERE,
SOMEWHERE IN HERE.
TRUMP IS SCHEDULED TO MAKE A STATE VISIT TO GREAT BRITAIN
LATER THIS YEAR, AND NOT EVERYONE IN OLD ENGLAND IS
FEELING JOLLY ABOUT IT.
A PETITION TO CANCEL THE VISIT WAS SIGNED BY 1.8 MILLION
PEOPLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) 1.8.
WOW!
1.8 MILLION.
THAT'S A HUGE NUMBER.
I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE A FAKE INAUGURATION CROWD NUMBER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE DOESN'T WANT JUST ANY
ARRIVAL WHEN HE GETS THERE.
"TRUMP WANTS A GOLD-PLATED CARRIAGE RIDE WITH THE QUEEN."
I DON'T KNOW WHY EITHER HE WANTS THE GOLD-PLATED CARRIAGE RIDE
WITH THE QUEEN?
TO MAKE HIM FEEL IMPORTANT.
OR... OH NO!
YOUR MAJESTY!
IF YOU HEAR THE SOUND OF TIC-TACS, JUST OPEN THE DOOR AND
GET AWAY.
I'M TELLING HER TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.
YOU UNDERSTAND, I'M THE GOOD GUY IF THIS SCENARIO.
YOU UNDERSTAND.
I'M BEING HELPFUL IN THE THING I JUST MADE UP.
( APPLAUSE )( CHEERS )
THANK YOU.
AND THE GOLDEN CARRIAGE IS JUST ONE OF TRUMP'S FLASHY DEMANDS.
WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON THE LETTER THAT TRUMP SENT OVER TO
BUCKINGHAM PALACE WITH THE REST OF HIS WISHES.
IT'S THE ACTUAL LETTER BECAUSE IT'S GOT THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL
RIGHT THERE, AND YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) LEGALLY, I THINK I COULD GO TO
JAIL.
>> Jon: THAT'S IT.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW IN ENGLAND WHAT THEY DO WITH THAT.
JIMMY, HERE WE GO: "EHHH... DEAR QUEEN, WHILE I'M
IN GREAT ENGLAND, TREMENDOUS BRITAIN, THE U.K., I DEMAND TO
DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS: PULL A SWORD FROM A ROCK, KISS A
SLEEPING WOMAN, DEPORT PADDINGTON BEAR, DECAPITATE THE
EX-WIFE OF MY CHOOSING, MIND THE GAP, HAVE A SLICE OF SHEPHERD'S
PIE-- IF THAT'S A SEX THING-- INVADE NARNIA, AND KILL HARRY
POTTER!" ( LAUGHTER )
"SINCERELY, DONNIE."
IT WAS ALL FUNNY UNTIL WE KILLED HARRY POTTER.
BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, AND I
DON'T JUST MEAN THE FOUNDING FATHERS WHO GET TO HAVE FUN
SPINNING AROUND IN THEIR GRAVES.
WHEEEEEEEE!
NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT OUR OLD FRIENDS THE OBALM AS.
THIS WEEK, THEY WERE IN POLYNESIA, AND SOMEONE
MANAGED TO GET THIS SHOT OF BARACK TAKING A VACATION PICTURE
OF MICHELLE POSING FOR A PICTURE ON A YACHT?
WOW.
MICHELLE DECIDED TO PLAGIARIZE MELANIA FOR ONCE.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN WE GET THAT BACK UP AGAIN?
LET'S GET A CLOSER LOOK.
HE'S TAKING THE PICTURE ON AN iPAD.
"DAAAD!
COME ON!
THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN UNCLE JOE MADE EVERYONE LOOK AT HIS
LEANING TOWER OF PENIS."
AND WE MISS YOU, SIR.
WE MISS YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE OBAMAS WEREN'T EVEN THE
MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE ON THE BOAT, BECAUSE JOINING THEM ON
THE SUPER-YACHT WERE "OPRAH, AS WELL AS TOM HANKS AND BRUCE
SPRINGSTEEN."
THAT IS NEARLY ALL OF AMERICA'S STRATEGIC LIKABILITY RESERVE!
I JUST PRAY TO GOD THEY PUT DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON IN A
SECURE LOCATION.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ALEC BALDWIN IS HERE. STICK AROUND.

If You're Watching This, Thermonuclear War Hasn't Wiped Out Humanity

Latest Posts