McCain, You're A Stupid Idiot (According To You)

KEEPER( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE'S A BIG NEW DEVELOPMENT IN
THE TRUMP-RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
EARLIER TODAY, HOUSE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN
AND GUY WHO ONCE LOOKED AT A MAGIC EYE POSTER AND CAN'T SNAP
OUT OF IT, DEVIN NUNES, STEPPED ASIDE FROM THE INVESTIGATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT?
( PIANO RIFF ) HE'S GONE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?
NOW A TOTALLY DIFFERENT REPUBLICAN WILL BE COVERING
TRUMP'S ASS.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT'S NOT FOREVER.
NUNES SAID HE'S STEPPING DOWN "TEMPORARILY."
IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
MAYBE 15-20 YEARS, DEPENDING ON WHICH JUDGE HE GETS.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SEE, NUNES IS STEPPING ASIDE
BECAUSE THE HOUSE ETHICS COMMITTEE IS "DETERMINED TO
INVESTIGATE" ALLEGATIONS THAT "NUNES MAY HAVE MADE
UNAUTHORIZED DISCLOSURES OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION."
"GOOD NEWS, CONGRESSMAN NUNES!
WE FOUND THE LEAKER!
HE'S IN YOUR MIRROR."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OKAY?
THE GUY YOU SHAVE, THAT'S THE GUY.
WHAT ELSE...
OH, THIS IS HUGE.
THE FIGHT CONTINUES OVER THE CONFIRMATION OF SUPREME COURT
NOMINEE AND ACCOUNTANT LOOKING UP FROM HIS TAX FORMS TO DREAM
OF BEING A PLAYWRIGHT, NEIL GORSUCH.
AND TODAY WAS A BATTLE ROYALE, WITH CHEESE IN THE SENATE.
YOU SEE, THE DEMOCRATS TOOK A STAND.
>> BREAKING NEWS FROM THE SENATE FLOOR: THE SENATE HAS WRAPPED UP
NOW THAT FIRST IMPORTANT VOTE.
THE VOTE TALLY WAS 55 TO 45.
AND WITH THAT, THAT MEANS THE DEMOCRATS HAVE SUCCESSFULLY
FILIBUSTERED PRESIDENT TRUMP'S SUPREME COURT NOMINEE, NEIL
GORSUCH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: WOOOO-HOOOOO!
THEY DID IT!
YEAH!
HELL, YEAH!
YEAH, MAN!
THEY DID IT!
DEMOCRATS WON!
FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THEN, "SENATE
REPUBLICANS FORCED AN HISTORIC RULE CHANGE TO ADVANCE GORSUCH
ANYWAY."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TO, NO, NO, LISTEN --
IT'S LIKE THE SAYING GOES, "IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED,
CHANGE THE RULES AND NOW YOU WIN!"
( LAUGHTER ) THE RULE CHANGE WAS GETTING RID
OF THE FILIBUSTER, A LAST RESORT COMMONLY KNOWN AS "THE NUCLEAR
OPTION."
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: THE DEMOCRATS FILIBUSTER THE
NOMINATION.
SO THE SENATE CASTS A VOTE TO BREAK THE FILIBUSTER.
WHEN THAT DOESN'T PASS, THE SENATE RE-VOTES ON THAT SAME
MOTION.
AND WHEN THAT DOESN'T PASS, MAJORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL
INTRODUCES A POINT OF ORDER THAT IT SHOULD TAKE 51 VOTES INSTEAD
OF 60 TO OVERCOME A FILIBUSTER OF A SUPREME COURT NOMINEE.
AND IT'S CALLED THE "NUCLEAR OPTION" BECAUSE THEY NEED SOME
PART OF IT TO SOUND EXCITING.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, NOT EVERY REPUBLICAN WANTED
THIS.
HERE'S WHAT JOHN MCCAIN SAID TUESDAY ABOUT ANYONE WHO WOULD
DEFEND THE NUCLEAR OPTION.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO MEET THAT IDIOT.
I WOULD LIKE TO MEET THAT NUMBSKULL THAT WOULD SAY THAT.
THAT, AFTER 200 YEARS, AT LEAST 100 YEARS OF THIS TRADITION,
WHERE THE SENATE HAS FUNCTIONED PRETTY WELL, THEY'D THINK IT
WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO BLOW IT UP.
WHOEVER SAYS THAT IS A STUPID IDIOT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HMM...
>> Jon: CHOICE WORDS THERE.
>> STEPHEN: YOU HAVE TO BE PRETTY DUMB FOR MCCAIN TO CALL
YOU A STUPID IDIOT-- BECAUSE HE THOUGHT SARAH PALIN COULD BE
PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
PROS A BOLD, BOLD STANCE, BUT THAT'S
THE MAVERICK - OR IT WAS, BECAUSE TODAY MCCAIN VOTED FOR
THE NUCLEAR OPTION.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WELL, SENATOR MCCAIN, IN THE
WORDS OF AN AMERICAN HERO, YOU'RE A STUPID IDIOT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT ME TALKING TO HIM.
I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
THIS OTHER GUY THINKS YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
( PIANO RIFF ) SPEAKING OF STUPID IDIOTS,
DONALD TRUMP.
( APPLAUSE ) THE PRESIDENT HAD A BIG GUEST AT
MAR-A-LAGO TODAY: CHINESE PRESIDENT, XI JINPING.
THERE'S A LOT TO WORK OUT BETWEEN OUR TWO NATIONS: THE
THREAT FROM NORTH KOREA, THE STATUS OF TAIWAN, AND HOW TO
PRONOUNCE THIS: >> CHINA.
CHINA.
CHINA.
CHINA.
YOU KNOW, CHINA -- CHINA -- CHINA -- CHINA -- CHINA!
>> Stephen: YOU WOULD THINK HE'D KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE IT,
IT'S ON THE LABEL OF ALL HIS NECKTIES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: TRUMP HAS BEEN
PLANNING THIS MEETING SINCE THE START OF HIS CAMPAIGN:
>> I WOULD NOT BE THROWING HIM A DINNER.
WE'VE HAD THIS CONVERSA-- I WOULD GET HIM A MCDONALD'S
HAMBURGER AND SAY, "YOU, WE GOTTA GET DOWN TO WORK."
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S ALSO HIS IDEA OF A GREAT FIRST DATE.
"ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE HAD YOUR BIG MAC, NOW LET'S WORK ON LITTLE
DONNY."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S SALTY, IT'S GOT THE SPECIAL
SAUCE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) WHAT?!
WHAT?!
AND ODDLY SESAME SEEDS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) TRUMP'S GOING TO THE MEETING
FEELING CONFIDANT ON THE WAY DOWN TO MAR-A-LAGO.
TRUMP TOLD REPORTERS ON AIR FORCE ONE, "I THINK WE'VE HAD
ONE OF THE MOST SUCCESSFUL 13 WEEKS IN THE HISTORY OF THE
PRESIDENCY."
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE MOST SUCCESSFUL.
I CAN SAY IT'S NOT THE LEAST.
WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON DIED OF PNEUMONIA FOUR WEEKS IN.
NAH, STILL BETTER THAN TRUMP.
AND TRUMP'S BEEN DOING A LOT OF CROWING.
YOU MIGHT EVEN CALL HIM A COCK.
( LAUGHTER ) TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," HE MADE
AN EXTRAORDINARY CLAIM ABOUT A DEMORATIC CONGRESSMAN: "ELIJAH
CUMMINGS WAS IN MY OFFICE, AND HE SAID, 'YOU WILL GO DOWN AS
ONE OF THE GREAT PRESIDENTS IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY.'"
REALLY?
I GET THE "YOU WILL GO DOWN" PART, BUT, AFTER THAT, YOU KIND
OF LOST ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I'M GOING DOWN! ♪
♪ AND YOU AIN'T AROUND ♪ ♪ YEAH ♪
>> Stephen: LET ME REMIND YOU, ELIJAH
CUMMINGS IS A MEMBER OF THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS AND
LIFELONG PROGRESSIVE DEMOCRAT.
SO IF THIS QUOTE SOUNDS A LITTLE FAR-FETCHED, IT'S BECAUSE, YEAH,
REPRESENTATIVE CUMMINGS RELEASED A STATEMENT SAYING, "I HAVE SAID
REPEATEDLY THAT TRUMP COULD BE A GREAT PRESIDENT IF-- IF-- HE
TAKES STEPS TO TRULY REPRESENT ALL AMERICANS RATHER THAN
CONTINUING ON THE DIVISIVE AND HARMFUL PATH HE IS CURRENTLY
ON."
SO APPARENTLY, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY TO TRUMP, HE ONLY HEARS
THE GOOD PARTS.
( LAUGHTER ) EVERYTHING ELSE JUST SOUNDS LIKE
THE CHARLIE BROWN TEACHER.
"WA-WA-WA-WAWA, GREAT PRESIDENT, WA-WA-WA-WA-WA."
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

McCain, You're A Stupid Idiot (According To You)

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