Seemingly Innocent Games That Are Actually Messed Up

Games like Grand Theft Auto and Resident Evil have played an instrumental role in the corruption
of our youth… or at least that's what some advocacy groups would like you to believe.
"Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!"
Little do these hand-wringing parents know, some of the most existentially messed-up stuff
is actually lurking within the most innocent-looking video games.
Buried deep in the code of your everyday Super Mario or Legend of Zelda title, are horrors
to keep young brains awake at night.
After checking out some of these nightmare factories, you worry-worts will wish your
kid played more Grand Theft Auto.
Here are a few games that are secretly messed up at their core.
Super Mario Sunshine
The Koopa Kids are nothing new.
Bowser's collection of motherless, murderous brats have been wandering around the Mushroom
Kingdom since Super Mario Bros. 3.
But it wasn't until recently that Nintendo decided that these kids weren't actually the
product of King Koopa's scaly loins.
By the time Super Mario Sunshine was released, that honor was given exclusively to Bowser Jr.
The game introduces us the hitherto unknown Koopa kid when Bowser Jr. kidnaps Princess
Peach, because he thinks that Princess Peach is his mom.
And as unlikely as that seems, no one really seems to deny it too hard.
Peach even seems to think that it's a remote possibility…
"Mama Peach?
I'm your mama?"
...as though giving birth to a squirming ball of spikes would be a forgettable experience.
Still, by the end of the game, even Bowser Jr. knows that he still has no idea who his
mom is.
"I know she's not really my mama."
He doesn't even really care either.
All he wants to do is get back out there and kill Mario.
That didn't stop a legion of Nintendo nerds from really, really getting into the idea
that Princess Peach has a reptile fetish.
Which, honestly, says more about players than it says about Nintendo's slightly sad, throwaway
plot point.
Sonic the Hedgehog
Nintendo isn't the only company to cross the species barrier when it comes to love.
2006's Sonic the Hedgehog from Sega also shares that creepy honor.
While fans consider it to be one of the worst entries in the franchise due to its terrible
controls and bugs, these flaws often overshadow that it also contains one of the oddest romantic
subplots in any video game.
Ever want to see an anthropomorphic hedgehog and a human woman fall in love?
Well, Sega's got you covered.
For some reason.
While there's no doubt that this version of Sonic was designed to titillate, this begs
the question: who at Sega decided to hire the furry fan-fic writer?
"It's not that fun, but what else are you gonna do?
Dressed up like a dang animal."
Pokémon
Beneath the surface of Pokemon's brightly-colored, adorable characters lies a dark, ugly truth
— and it's not just the fact that you probably shouldn't leave Brock alone with your sister.
Pokemon are faced with some pretty horrible stuff.
They're abducted from the wild and enslaved in fist-sized orbs, and then they're constantly
subjected to the cartoon version of organized dogfighting.
It's so prevalent that the economy of an entire world seems to be based around animal abuse.
With each battle, a Pokemon's masters' fortune and fame grows… but to what end?
Your Snorlax just gets one more battle scar, you get another badge, and the cruel cycle continues.
The next time you catch a Pikachu by smashing its face in with a magical baseball, think
about making a donation to the Humane Society as well.
Metroid II: Return of Samus
After apparently destroying the pulsating Mother Brain during her first adventure, Samus
Aran travels to the Metroids' home planet in Metroid 2.
Her mission?
Just a little thing called wholesale-Metroid-extinction.
Samus' goal is to wipe out the entire Metroid species so they can't be used as weapons by
Space Pirates, which is basically like killing every dog in existence because one bit you once.
The problem is that Metroids aren't inherently evil.
They're just being Metroids.
Sucking the life energy out of things is just what they do, like leeches, or ticks, or Smash Mouth.
They don't mean any harm, and they're just a part of nature.
Samus succeeds in her mission, but spares one infant Metroid...which sees her as its
mom… which she later gives to scientists to experiment on.
Yeah.
Now if you were going to wipe out those headcrabs from Half-Life, that we'd understand.
DuckTales
It's a tale of unrelenting greed, endangering the welfare of children, and obsession.
If you didn't grow up watching DuckTales after you got off the schoolbus, you haven't really lived.
Capcom developed the cartoon into an exceptional video game that followed the themes of the
cartoon pretty accurately.
Your task is to lead Scrooge McDuck on a quest to find a series of lost treasures, and become
even wealthier.
Y'know, because your towering, multi-story vault full of gold that you literally swim
in isn't enough to fulfill your weird money lust.
Anyway.
The game even rewards players with better endings if they collect more money.
And the game's sequel is even more of the same.
We get it, Scrooge.
You're the very definition of the 1 percent, and named after the most notorious, selfish
miser in history.
You know, except without the three ghosts teaching you moral lessons to make you less horrible.
The Legend of Zelda
It wasn't until the early 2000s that fans were let in on the little secret that Link,
the hero of the Legend of Zelda series, is not a single guy, but the name of several
different people who lived across thousands of years, spanning multiple timelines.
Sometimes, a dead Link will even haunt a living Link.
So, every so often, a kid named Link is born, and he has absolutely no choice about saving
the world.
This isn't your average Luke Skywalker situation, either.
Link after Link after Link has to live through the same horrific battles against demonic
dinosaurs, puddles full of sentient eyeballs, an evil, grimacing moon, and invading, world-crushing evils.
This boy's fate is ripped from his hands, century after century, and on into eternity.
That sucks.
What if the new Link wanted to be a baker?
Or a guy who makes bottles?
We know Hyrule needs them.
There are only like four in the entire world.
Too bad.
Destiny has something else in store for you.
Here's your sword.
Now go kill everything you see.
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Seemingly Innocent Games That Are Actually Messed Up

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