Trump's Tweets Preserved Forever

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE THOUGHT WE WOULD START BY
TALKING A LITTLE ABOUT THE NEWS.
THIS WEEK, THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES REACHED OUT TO THE WHITE HOUSE
AND REQUESTED THAT ALL OF THE PRESIDENT'S TWEETS BE SAVED AND
PRESERVED FOR HISTORY.
( LAUGHTER ) FUTURE GENERATIONS, I'M SO, SO
SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) THESE TWEETS WILL BE SAVED FOR
"HISTORICAL VALUE."
AND, THEY'LL BE FILED UNDER, "IMPEACHMENT EVIDENCE."
( LAUGHTER ) AH YES, THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES
WILL SHOWCASE ALL THE GREAT PILLARS OF AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:
THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE, THE U.S. CONSTITUTION, AND THE
"I HAVE NEVER SEEN A THIN PERSON DRINKING DIET COKE" TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT TWEET IS REAL.
( APPLAUSE ) ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, ONE DAY WE
WILL HAVE A MOVIE WHERE NICHOLAS CAGE TRIES TO STEAL THAT TWEET.
( LAUGHTER ) MORE NEWS OUT OF WASHINGTON.
THE WHITE HOUSE HAS JUST RELEASED THE OFFICIAL PORTRAIT
OF FIRST LADY, MELANIA TRUMP.
HERE IT IS.
THAT IS THE PORTRAIT.
THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A FIRST LADY PORTRAIT.
( LAUGHTER ) DOES IT?
IT LOOKS LIKE A BROCHURE FOR A TWO-DAY REAL ESTATE SEMINAR.
( LAUGHTER ) "GROW RICH WITH NO MONEY DOWN!"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, THERE ARE STILL A LOT OF PEOPLE UNHAPPY WITH OUR NEW
PRESIDENT.
AT THE OPENING DAY GAME FOR THE WASHINGTON NATIONALS, FANS
UNFURLED A GIANT "IMPEACH TRUMP" BANNER.
IN THE STADIUM.
TAKE A LOOK.
THIS IS IT HERE.
HERE'S A QUESTION.
IF I CAN'T GET A BOTTLE OF WATER INTO A GAME, HOW DID THESE GUYS
GET A 40-FOOT BANNER IN?
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP SUPPORTERS AT THE GAME
WERE ANGRY NOT BECAUSE OF THE MESSAGE BUT BECAUSE IT WAS A
HUGE WASTE OF WHITE SHEETS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
THAT'S EXACTLY THE REACTION WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD GIVE TO THAT
JOKE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND DONALD TRUMP DID A GOOD
THING THIS WEEK, SORT OF, WHEN HE DONATED THE FIRST THREE
MONTHS OF HIS PRESIDENTIAL SALARY TO THE NATIONAL PARK
SERVICE.
THAT TREMOR YOU JUST FELT WAS ALL FOUR PRESIDENTS ON MOUNT
RUSHMORE ROLLING THEIR EYES.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT REMEMBER, TRUMP IS ALSO THE
ONE WHO WANTS TO CUT FUNDING TO THE NATIONAL PARKS.
SO THIS IS LIKE SENDING FLOWERS TO THE FUNERAL OF SOMEBODY YOU
JUST MURDERED.
( APPLAUSE ) NOW ON TO THE REALLY IMPORTANT
NEWS.
WE LOVED THIS STORY.
A DUTCH STUDENT WHO WAS TRYING TO FLY TO SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA FOR
A BACKPACKING TRIP BOUGHT A TICKET FOR THE WRONG PLANE AND
ENDED UP IN SYDNEY, NOVA SCOTIA.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME, AND I FLEW FROM HOLLAND TO THE WRONG
CONTINENT, I'D NEVER ADMIT IT.
I'D JUST BE LIKE, "NO, NO THIS IS THE SYDNEY I MEANT TO GO TO.
AND YES, I AM WEARING SHORTS IN A BLIZZARD."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT IS THIS SURPRISING?
IF YOU LEGALIZE WEED, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN EVERY NOW AND
THEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, FINALLY, WE HAD TO SHOW YOU THIS.
THE INTERNET WAS IN AN UPROAR THIS WEEKEND AFTER SOMEONE
TWEETED THIS PICTURE OF A PIZZA TOPPED WITH MELTED MARSHMALLOW
PEEPS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) YEAH.
BUT IS THIS SURPRISING?
IF YOU LEGALIZE WEED, THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN EVERY NOW AND
THEN.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE CALLING IT THE
"PEEPS-ZA."
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE NOT CALLING IT THAT.
I AM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT PEOPLE ARE GOING CRAZY ABOUT
THIS ON TWITTER.
AND, IN FACT, WE JUST RECEIVED THIS FROM THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES:
"I HAVE NEVER SEEN A THIN PERSON EATING A PIZZA WITH MELTED PEEPS
ON IT."

Trump's Tweets Preserved Forever

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