Weekend Update on Australian Woman's 13 Lb. Baby

>> THE 6th NIGHT OF THE JEWISH HOLIDAY, HERE IS JACOB.
>> MY DAD WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THESE INSULTS AND ALSO TO REMIND
TO YOU WEAR FLIP FLOPS THIS SUMMER AROUND THE POOL.
>>> YOU GOING TO HAVE FUN FOR PASSOVER?
PASSOVER? >> DURING PASSOVER WE EAT
SEVERAL FOOTS THAT ARE SYMBOLIC OF THE PASSOVER STORY.
WE EAT MATSO BECAUSE IT REMINDS US THAT THE YOU JEWS DIDN'T HAVE
TIME FOR THE BREAD TO RISE WHEN ESCAPING EGYPT.
IT TASTES OKAY, BUT IT'S NO PAPA JOHNS PIZZA.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A SPEECH.
WE CAN HANG OUT AND TALK AS FRIENDS.
>> THE OTHER SYMBOLIC FOODS ARE THOSE THAT REPRESENTS THE MORTAR
USED BY THE SLAVES TO MAKE BRICKS.
THE BRICKS I SCRAPED MY CHIN ON WHEN I WAS LEARNING TO PLAY
BRIDGE AND MY CHAIR COLLAPSED. SERIOUSLY I WANT TO THANK MY
BROTHER FOR HELPING ME GET ON MY SCRAPES EVEN THOUGH HE CHANGED
THE PASSWORD ON MY IPF AND CHARGED MY $20 TO GET BACK INTO
IT. >> SOMETHING MY BROTHER WOULD
DO. THIS TIME --
>> IT REMINDS ME OF WHAT THEY USED BEFORE THEY ESCAPED.
THE BITTER HERBS IS ROMAINE LETTUCE, BUT IT'S NO PAPA JOHNS
PIZZA. >> YOU ARE REALLY GIVING FREE
PRESS TO PAPA JOHNS PIZZA. IS THAT YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA
PLACE? >> THE ROASTED EGG IS SYMBOLIC
OF RENEWAL AND REJUVENATION WHICH IS ALSO WHAT MY MOM ALWAYS
SAYS MY AUNT MADELINE IS DOING TO HER FACE.
>> OH, HEY -- >> FINALLY, GREEN VEGETABLE IS
IN SALT WATER TO REPRESENT THE TEARS OF THE JEWS WHICH IS SAD
AND I'M SAD WHEN I THINK ABOUT HOW I WILL BE GOING AWAY TO CAMP
IN THE POCONOS THIS SUMMER AND LEAVING MY FRIENDS BEHIND.
EVEN DEREK JETER WENT TO THE YANKEES ONE DAY.
>> YOU CRYING? YOU WILL HAVE FUN.
>> IN CONCLUSION, I WANT TO THANK MY COUSINS FOR COMING IN
FROM SCOTTSDALE BECAUSE THEY GOT A FREE FLIGHT FROM COMPLAINING.
MY BEST FRIEND WHO EVERYONE THINKS IS JEWISH, MY UNCLE SIMON
EVEN THOUGH MY DAD SAID HE IS BLINDED TO HIS DEVOTION TO
ISRAEL AND I WANT TO DEDICATE THIS TO MY BUBY WHO MAKES THE
BEST MASSO BALL SOUP. IT'S NO --
>> HERE IT COMES. >> PAPA JOHNS PIZZA.
>> YEAH! >> A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA GAVE
BIRTH TO A 13 POUND BABY. COMPLETELY RUINING HER DOWN
UNDER. IT'S GOING TO GET WORSE.
DOCTORS SAY IT LEFT HER WITH WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A BLOOMING
ONION. >> POLICE IN AUSTRIA REPORT THAT
MORE THAN MILLION BEES HAVE BEEN STOLEN FROM A LOCAL PARK OR, AND
HEAR ME OUT, THEY JUST FLEW AWAY.
THEY ARE BEES. AN ICE CREAM PARLOR SERVES ICE
CREAM SPECIALLY MADE FOR DOGS TO EAT.
TAKE THAT, AFRICA. IT EVEN COMES IN DOGS'S TWO
FAVORITE FLAVORS. BACON AND BUTT.
>> A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT INFANTS START TO SHOW RACIST
TENDENCIES FROM SIX TO NINE MONTHS OF AGE.
BY THE TIME THEY ARE 2 THEY ARE YELLING AT DORA TO SPEAK
ENGLISH. >> TEMPERATURES CLIMBED UP TO 80
THIS WEEK IN NEW YORK AND EASTER IS THE UNOFFICIAL BEGINNING OF
SPRING TIME. VETERAN STAND UP COMIC, BRUCE
CHANDLING. >> SUN'S OUT.
FLOWERS ARE IN BLOOM AND THE GIRLS'S SKIRTS ARE GETTING A LOT
SHORTER. THIS GUY HAS WORK TO DO.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT WORK?
>> EXACTLY. I LOVE EASTER.
RIGHT? I DON'T GET IT.
YOU GOT THAT BIG BUNNY SHOWING UP.
IN THE REAL WORLD, MOST ANIMALS DON'T DEPOSIT CANDY IN THE
GRASS. THEY LEAVE SOMETHING ELSE AND I
DON'T RECOMMEND EATING THAT CHOCOLATE.
>> WHAT AGE RANGE ARE YOUR JOKES FOR?
>> YOU GOT TO STOP INTERRUPTING, OKAY, PAL?
MY FAVORITE PART OF THE SEASON HAS TO BE SPRING BREAK.
YEAH! YEAH!
>> THEY ARE NOT CHEERING FOR YOU.
THEY ARE CHEERING FOR SPRING BREAK.
>> I MEAN THE COLLEGE KIDS LOVE TO HAVE FUN.
>> YEAH. I THINK.
>> THEY ARE ALWAYS GETTING TOGETHER AND GOING ON TRIPS DOWN
SOUTH. I AIN'T JUST TALKING ABOUT
MEXICO IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. >> YEAH, MAN, WE ALL GET IT AND
IT'S BAD. ARE YOU FINISHED?
>> BUT THESE KIDS, THEY REALLY DO GO SOUTH.
WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS. ROCK HARD ABS.
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE LOOKING THE BEST THEY ARE EVER GOING TO
LOOK. IT REALLY MAKES YOU THINK.
>> IS THAT THE PUNCH LINE? >> NO.
IT MAKES YOU THINK. ABOUT HOW YOU MIGHT NOT EVER BE
ABLE TO LOOK LIKE THAT AGAIN. IT GETS HARDER TO LOSE WEIGHT
AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE KISSED.
NOW SOME LOSER IN ALASKA IS TELLING YOU THAT YOU HAVE TO
WEAR GLASSES BECAUSE YOU ARE PRACTICALLY BLIND.
WELL, GO AHEAD AND LAUGH ALL YOU WANT.
GET THE REAL JOKE HERE IS ME. >> HEY, BRUCE, I'M SORRY, MAN.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE STRUGGLING, BUT I THINK YOU ARE
A GOOD PERSON INSIDE AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.
>> I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. I MEAN, AT LEAST.
>> OH, GOD. >> I DIDN'T EAT THE WRONG
CHOCOLATE. >> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

Weekend Update on Australian Woman's 13 Lb. Baby - SNL

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