10 DUMBEST THINGS Ever Patented!

(groans)
- Why were these things even thought of in the first place?
Sometimes it's hard to get something done.
And you need a good kick in the pants to get moving.
And that's just what this invention does.
Give you a kick in the behind.
But without needing anyone to do it for you.
Officially filed on January 4th, 2000
as a user operated amusement apparatus
for kicking the user's buttocks.
This patent invented by Joe W Armstrong
offers a repetitive butt kicking
as its essentially a windmill with shoes for sails.
To operate, the user simply needs to step onto
the customized platform,
bend over with their back to the wheel
of the fake feet
and manually spin the two handed cranks.
The cranks pull up a strap that turns an axle
installed underneath the user's actual feet,
that in turn spins the kicking apparatus
which of course delivers a number of much needed boots
to the butt.
Ew, what did Armstrong invent when someone told him
get your butt in gear?
Remember when you were a kid playing on the swing set?
And suddenly decided that simply going back and forth
wasn't enough for you?
So you started pulling on either of the chains
alternating from one side to the other
so you'd swing side to side instead?
Well we all did it.
But prepare to kick yourself,
because you should've patented that action
when you had the chance.
That's just what Steve Olson did,
filing for such a patent on November 17, 2000.
Specifically, this patent is for the action
of swinging side to side on a standard swing
that's suspended by two chains
from a horizontal tree branch.
Keep in mind,
there is no actual product here being patented.
Just the actual action,
which usually resulted in upsetting any swingers
unfortunate enough to be sitting on either side of you.
Olson's patent was successfully published
on April 9, 2002.
Though it's very unclear
just how he could get away with that.
I could see this freak show,
that's going up to kids on the playground.
Hey you, stop that!
You give me all your lunch money,
I patented it!
If there's something you should definitely patent
as soon as you either invent it or stumble across it,
it's living forever.
That's exactly what this guy did.
Though the invention's legitimacy is definitely in question.
Filed on April 2nd 1997
and officially patented on November 23rd 1999,
this cure for death comes in the form of a magnetic ring
that must be worn on the little finger
of the hand to work optimally.
Though, it can be worn on any finger, thumb
or even your toes.
Created by Alexander YC Chiu,
the patent goes on to claim
that if the ring is worn properly
by orientating the permanent north and south pole
magnets on it,
you will experience greater strength and speed
of the magnetic flux current inside your blood stream.
This will increase your health,
boost your immune system
and help you stave off illness
as long as your body is balanced.
So as long as you remain that way,
you can live indefinitely.
Because magnets!
Just because it's a ridiculous thing to patten
doesn't mean that it won't be beneficial to some people.
And as a great example, I give to you a device
that answers the common question,
"hey, was that a person that I just ran over?"
That's right, on May 31st 2001,
a patent was filed
for a product that could reveal
with what the inventors deem as high reliability
if an impact a person operating a motor vehicle
has had recently
was a living, breathing person
or anything else.
Using sensors attached to the bumper and hood,
the system is aware of any sudden stops,
and measures the weight of anything that touches it
to report back the likelihood that you might be in trouble.
Of course, the system doesn't warn you
that you're about to hit the person,
nor does it stop the act from actually happening.
It just informs you of fleeing the scene
comes with a traffic charge
or one second degree murder charge.
Well that seems useful!
Listen man, just because you're a baby
or ridiculously old
doesn't mean that you can't keep up with the latest
fashion trends
even when it comes to undergarments.
Invented by Mary Maalouf
and filed on January 19th 2005,
this patent is for something that's cringy
and inappropriate for some
but may leave you going
yeah, I see it.
Especially if you can no longer fully control
your number one
and number twos.
Well that invention is the thong diaper.
An amazing attempt
at making the catching of our involuntary bowel movements
more modern and of course fashionable.
An obvious problem for these diapers
is the way that thongs fit
leaving the back end open with little to the imagination.
So in reality, these things can actually work.
Sorry to any new moms and dads
looking for a cooler looking baby man.
Or
elderly people with a zest for living a sexier life
while still adjusting to bowel control.
Yeah, these won't help you.
No.
Wearing sunglasses is hard.
What with putting those curved handle things
behind your ears?
Yuck.
It's about time that someone changed the way that we wear
our eye coverings
so that we can look even cooler
without the difficulty of unfolding a pair of Aviators.
Well, on May 24th 1996,
David K Peschal and Alexander Zad Nosler
filed a patent for a system
that magnetically attaches eyewear to a person.
Specifically one that didn't require silly handles
or even your ears.
What it does require however
is having two magnetic rings attached to your head.
With adhesives that attract pieces of metal
that are in the two ends of the pair of templeless glasses.
This patent has been updated a few times
to make sure nobody steals an idea
created under the notion
that attaching magnets to either side of your head
is much less cumbersome
than just wearing glasses with arms on them.
Yeah.
It's a great idea.
Well anyone that has a cat and enjoys using a laser
to make it run around.
You know,
chasing that tiny little red dot,
until it gets bored of not catching it
or injured by the inevitable smack to its head
as it takes a header in to the wall,
you may owe two inventors money.
That's because of November 2nd 1993,
Kevin T Amiss and Martin H Abbott
actually patented it.
Their filing includes sweeping beams
at angular speeds
and constantly keeping it out of the feline's reach
so what remains curious and occupied
while getting exercise.
You know exactly the same way
millions of people were doing it
before the patent existed.
Incredibly, this was not the only time
a laser pet toy was patented.
As at least four other groups or individuals
somehow successfully patented
using a laser to occupy a curious animal.
Maybe the patent office just really needed money that week
and they were just approving everything.
Should've patented hand socks.
Those bastards.
Excellent!
Now little toddler Timmy
can play on his sweet wheels
and look cool while getting a little yard work done.
That's all thanks to this sweet,
yet totally unsafe invention
from the brilliant mind of Deanna F Porath
from Montgomery, Alabama.
Originally filed on June 29th 1982,
this patent for a pedal operated mower
combines all the fun of riding a three wheeled cycle
with the rush of excitement children get
from carefully mowing in smooth parallel lines
across a grassy surface.
Unlike most non lawn care adapted tricycles
which have the pedals on the front wheel,
the mower has the pedal centered and attached to a chain
like a bicycle would.
So the user is turning the back wheel
instead of the front.
You know, say what you want about the dangers,
I say it's about time toddlers started
pulling their weight around the house
for chores
and other things that might
cut their tiny toes off.
Oh my god.
Don't use this item.
Ah man, talk about a genius.
I don't know who's crazier.
The guy who filed this one,
or the clerk who approved it?
Filed on December 2nd 1999,
this patent is entitled Animal Toy.
And the invention its about
is exactly what it sounds like.
It's a toy for your dog.
See the thing is,
that toy must be pretty popular
because it's pretty much everywhere
and free.
And that's because this so called invention
which claims it's meant to be fetched
carried, or chewed by a canine
is quite literally
drum roll
(drum roll)
a stick.
The inventor Ross Eugene Long III
actually managed to successfully patent a stick
that you can pick up under any tree
as long as its main use as your property
is to give to your dog.
The patent information goes on to allow the toy
to be made of plastic, rubber or wood composites
but so long as it has at least one protrusion
extending out of its main body in its invention.
Well, I guess nobody threw a stick for their dog
before 1999.
(fart)
Well, here it is people!
No longer will you have to worry
about clearing out a room full of gagging friends
or coworkers
or peeling the paint off your walls
with the gas that you expelled.
That's because there's now the flatulence deodorizer.
Owned by Flat-D Innovations Incorporated
a company that boasts
that they've been the leader
in flatulence odor control products over the last 14 years,
the flatulence deodorizer
was patented in April of 2000
and is essentially a pad that sits between your gas chute
and the outside world.
The pads come in disposable or reusable forms
and are made with a charcoal cloth pad
and double sided tape
to keep it in place while you're moving or sitting.
Though this of course is a hilarious invention to market,
the company takes their product incredibly seriously
while numerous reviewers claim
that they thought that it was being sold as a gag gift.
Nah man.
Farts are serious business.
Well that was
enlightening.
But just as a reminder to you guys,
my limited edition t-shirt is only available
for two weeks until June 5th.
And once they're gone, they're gone forever.
So, make sure you get yours now before it sells out
by clicking the little eye on your screen right now,
or the link under this video.
And don't forget,
I'll have a brand new video for you tomorrow
at three eastern standard time.
So make sure you come by then!
Have a great day.

10 DUMBEST THINGS Ever Patented!

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