Erik Griffin Stand-Up

( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> YES!
HELLO!
HELLO, EVERYONE.
ALL RIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I NEED TO START WITH A
CONFESSION, EVERYBODY.
I WENT AND SAW "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST."
I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE IT BUT I HAD THE GREATEST TIME EVER.
I WAS SO NOSTALGIC BECAUSE I KNEW ALL THE SONGS.
I WAS SINGING ALONG.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS THIS MOM AND HAD HER
KIDS WITH HER.
SHE KEPT LOOKING AT ME LIKE, SHHHH!
I LOOKED RIGHT AT HER -- ♪ NOW, I... ♪
SHE WENT TO GET THE MANAGER BECAUSE SHE WAS A WHITE WOMAN.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY DON'T MESS AROUND IN A MOVIE THEATER.
BUT I THINK I CROSSED THE LINE WHEN I WAS HARMONIZING WITH THE
TEAPOT.
THAT'S NOT MY FAULT.
THAT'S A DUET, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THE TEAPOT IS.
♪ A TALE AS OLD AS TIME ♪ I CAME IN.
♪ SONG AS OLD AS RHYME ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
THE MOM'S ALL, SHHHH!
I LOOKED RIGHT AT HER.
♪ BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
LIKE THIS SCENE IS OVER WITH AND I'M STILL.
♪ BEAUTY, BEAUTY ♪ I WAS FULL-ON MARIAH CAREY.
IT WAS GREAT.
I HAD A GOOD TIME.
HERMIONE WAS IN IT.
THEY HAD DIVERSITY, RIGHT?
THE DIVERSITY WAS A LITTLE WEIRD.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD A HANDFUL OF BLACK PEOPLE TO A LITTLE FRENCH
TOWN WITHOUT ANY CONTEXT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I MEAN, I FELT LIKE I COULD FEEL THE BOARD ROOM MEETING AT DISNEY
WHERE SOMEBODY WAS, LIKE, WE GOT TO PUT SOME BLACK PEOPLE IN THIS
MOVIE -- ( LAUGHTER )
I MEAN, SOME THINGS SHOULD BE DIVERSE, LET'S BE REAL.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORCE IT.
SOME THINGS SHOULD.
LIKE CONGRESS SHOULD BE DIVERSE, RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE POLICE DEPARTMENT SHOULD BE
DIVERSE.
( APPLAUSE ) THE MANAGEMENT TEAM AT WAL-MART
SHOULD BE DIVERSE.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT LIKE CHARLIE'S ANGELS, I
WANT THESE BITCHES WHITE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
( LAUGHTER ) I'M OKAY IF IT'S THREE WHITE
GIRLS IN "CHARLIE'S ANGELS" AND I'M OKAY IF THIS LITTLE 14t
14th CENTURY FRENCH TOWN IS ALL WHITE.
NOBODY'S GOING TO BE IN THERE, WHERE THE BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD AT
IN THIS TOWN?!
( LAUGHTER ) BESIDES, IT WAS SO WEIRD.
WHEN YOU SAW THAT, YOU WERE LIKE, HOW DID THEY GET HERE?
( LAUGHTER ) AND HAVE THEY BEEN HERE THE
WHOLE TIME IN THESE INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS?
AND IF THAT'S THE CASE, WHERE ARE THE LITTLE M MY LOTTO KIDS I
THE TOWN?
WHERE ARE THE LITTLE DRAKES IN THIS TOWN?
( LAUGHTER ) IT FELT LIKE THEY PUT THE BLACK
PEOPLE IN THIS MOVIE BECAUSE THE WHITE PEOPLE COULD GO, AHHH!
"BLACK LIVES MATTER," WE DID IT!
YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.
THERE'S A NEW WHITE GUILT MOVIE THAT COMES OUT EVERY YEAR.
THERE IS THE NEW SLAVERY REMINDER MOVIE THAT COMES OUT
ANNUALLY.
I LOVE A GOOD SLAVE MOVIE BECAUSE IT MAKES WHITE PEOPLE
UNCOMFORTABLE.
WHITE PEOPLE IN THE SLAVE MOVIES ARE ALWAYS LIKE --
( SIGHING ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> WAS IT THIS BAD?!
I MEAN, ARE WE BEATING HIM AGAIN?!
( LAUGHTER ) THEN THEY LOOK FOR SOME BLACK
PEOPLE -- I'M SORRY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT LET'S BE REAL.
YOUNG WHITE PEOPLE, YOU MILLENNIALS AREN'T THINKING
ABOUT SLAVERY.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU EVEN HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT
SLAVERY?
AND YOU'RE TIRED OF BEING BLAMED FOR SOMETHING YOU HAD NOTHING TO
DO WITH.
SLAVERY FOR YOU NOW IS LIKE GETTING INTO AN ELEVATOR WHERE
SOMEBODY ALREADY FARTED.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE COME
IN WITH THAT YOU FARTED LOOK AND YOU'RE, LIKE, I DIDN'T DO THAT.
THAT FART'S BEEN HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS FART HAS BEEN HERE FOR
GENERATIONS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T FART.
MY FATHER DIDN'T FART.
MY GRANDFATHER DIDN'T FART.
MY GREAT GRANDFATHER, HE MIGHT HAVE FARTED.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
>> James: OH, MY GOODNESS!
THAT WAS SO GOOD!
EVERYBODY, CHECK OUT HIS SPECIAL!
THE U"THE UGLY TRUTH" JULY 7 ON SHOWTIME.

Erik Griffin Stand-Up

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