House Republicans Drank Your Sorrows Away

>> Stephen: WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
>> Audience: I LOVE YOU, STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU, TOO.
WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) VERY NICE.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
HEY, EVERYBODY.
FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY FRIDAY.
THAT'S ALWAYS A GOOD FEELING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AS TRADITIONAL, THE WHITE HOUSE
THREW A PARTY THIS YEAR HOSTED BY VICE PRESIDENT AND MAN WHO
THINKS TOOTHPASTE IS TOO SPICY, MIKE PENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S THE THING, HERE'S THE
THING-- THEY ACTUALLY THREW THE PARTY YESTERDAY.
WHICH ISN'T CINCO DE MAYO.
IT'S ACTUALLY "CUATRO" DE MAYO.
SO FOR ONCE, MIKE PENCE WAS A DAY AHEAD INSTEAD OF ABOUT A
HUNDRED YEARS BEHIND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND WHILE THE PARTY IS USUALLY A
BIG DEAL, THIS YEAR'S FIESTA HAD A REDUCED GUEST LIST.
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
TRUMP HAS BEEN VERY OPEN ABOUT TRYING TO REDUCE OUR COUNTRY'S
MEXICAN GUEST LIST.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, THE EVENT WASN'T ACTUALLY
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
THEY HELD IT IN THE NEARBY EISENHOWER BUILDING'S INDIAN
TREATY ROOM.
FREE PARTY PLANNING ADVICE: IF YOU'RE CELEBRATING ANOTHER
CULTURE, MAYBE DON'T REMIND THEM WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST
ETHNIC GROUP WE THREW A PARTY FOR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Jon: OH.
IT'S HISTORY.
IT'S HISTORY.
>> Stephen: AND THIS IS THE FIRST TIME IN 16 YEARS THAT THE
CINCO DE MAYO PARTY WASN'T HOSTED BY THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF.
THOUGH HE DID SEND ALONG A CAKE:
"HASTA LA VISTA, BAD HOMBRES!" AS I'M SURE YOU HEARD YESTERDAY,
THE HOUSE PASSED TRUMPCARE BY A MARGIN OF ONE VOTE, AND FOR
ONCE, THE PEOPLE WITH MORE VOTES WON.
THE REPUBLICANS CELEBRATED ALL NIGHT LAST NIGHT WITH A BIG
PARTY, BIG PARTY, WHERE, APPARENTLY, CASES UPON CASES OF
BEER WERE ROLLED INTO CAPITAL.
BUT TODAY, THE PARTY'S OVER.
AND REPUBLICANS ARE DEALING WITH THE FALLOUT OF WHAT THEY DID.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE.
>> THEY THOUGHT THEY PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL.
>> WOOO!
ROAD TRIP!
>> BUT THEY'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT, REPEALING AND REPLACING
OBAMACARE ISN'T SO EASY.
KEVIN McCARTHY.
>> OH, MY GOD!
>> PAUL RYAN.
AND DONALD TRUMP.
IN "THE HEALTHCARE HANGOVER."
HOPEFULLY, NOT COMING THIS SUMMER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen, OF COURSE, THAT--
YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.
, OF COURSE, WE KID.
WE KID.
THAT FOOTAGE IS FROM "THE HANGOVER," WHICH IS ALSO ABOUT A
GROUP OF WHITE MEN WHO HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CARE FOR BABIES.
NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE POLLS AREN'T OUT YET, EVERYONE IS
SAYING THAT THIS BILL IS LIKELY TO BE UNPOPULAR.
COINCIDENTALLY, LIKELY TO BE UNPOPULAR WAS ALSO WHAT SEAN
SPICER WAS VOTED IN HIGH SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I GET, I TOTALLY GET WHY
PEOPLE ARE UPSET.
HERE'S THE DEAL-- THE NEW BILL "ALLOWS INSURERS TO CHARGE OLDER
CUSTOMERS FIVE TIMES AS MUCH AS YOUNGER ONES."
AND IT REPEALS THE EMPLOYER MANDATE WHICH "REQUIRES LARGER
COMPANIES TO PROVIDE AFFORDABLE INSURANCE TO THEIR EMPLOYEES."
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
NO, NO, NO, DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THAT BROKEN ARM.
YOU CAN FIX IT WITH A CAST MADE OUT OF STOLEN PENS FROM THE
SUPPLY CLOSET.
THE PLAN ALWAYS ALLOWS STATES TO OPT OUT OF COVERING PRE-EXISTING
CONDITIONS, WHICH ALSO ALLOWS VOTERS TO OPT OUT OF THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY IN 2018 BECAUSE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BECAUSE TODAY THE NONPARTISAN
COOK POLITICAL REPORT MOVED 20 HOUSE SEATS IN THE DEMS' FAVOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
MAN, I FEEL-- I FEEL-- I FEEL SORRY FOR THE REPUBLICANS.
THEY MIGHT BE OUT OF A JOB SOON.
THEN THEY'LL NEVER GET HEALTH CARE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW THE
REPUBLICANS RISKED THEIR CAREERS FOR A BILL THAT I'M SURE THEY
FULLY UNDERSTOOD.
>> DID YOU ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND READ THE ENTIRE BILL PLUS ALL OF
THE AMENDMENTS?
>> I WILL FULLY ADMIT, WOLF, I DID NOT, BUT I CAN ALSO ASSURE
YOU, MY STAFF DID.
>> HAVE YOU READ THE WHOLE BILL?
>> OH, GOSH.
LET'S PUT IT THIS WAY-- PEOPLE IN MY OFFICE HAVE READ ALL THE
PARTS OF THE BILL.
>> Stephen: OH, GOSH, GEE WIL CERS.
THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE OFFICE WHO READ PARTS OF THE BILL.
SUSAN HANDLED THE NOUNS.
ALAN TOOK THE VERBS, DEVON MANAGED ALL THE PREPOSITIONS.
BARBARA SAYS THE BILL IS GREAT BUT THAT MIGHT BE BECAUSE SHE
WAS IN CHARGE OF THE ADJECTIVES.
UH-HUH.
SO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE ALSO SAID IT WAS SLIPPERY
AND FURRY AND HASTY.
OF COURSE, EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOT POPULAR, IT WAS A BIG VICTORY
FOR THE PRESIDENT.
AND AFTER IT PASSED, PRESIDENT TRUMP WENT TO NEW YORK TO MEET
THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER AND PRAISE CRECIALG REPUBLICANS.
>> THE REPUBLICANS ARE VERY UNITED.
YOU SEE THAT TODAY.
THE REPUBLICANS CAME TOGETHER ALL OF A SUDDEN, TWO DAYS AGO,
AND IT WAS LIKE MAGIC.
>> Stephen: MAGIC, BY THE WAY-- NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE'S BEST
OPTION FOR MEDICAL CARE.
"I WILL NOW PULL YOUR APPENDIX OUT OF THIS HAT."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, QUICK REMINDER FOR
EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO DOESN'T REMEMBER-- AUSTRALIA HAS
UNIVERSAL, GOVERNMENT-RUN HEALTH CARE.
SO IT CREATED A BIT OF A STIR WHEN THE PRESIDENT SAID THIS:
>> IT'S GOING TO BE FANTASTIC HERE.
RIGHT NOW, OBAMACARE IS FAILING.
WE HAVE A FAILING HEALTH CARE-- I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS TO OUR
AGREEMENT GENTLEMAN AND MY FRIEND FROM AUSTRALIA BECAUSE
YOU HAVE BETTER HEALTH CARE THAN WE DO.
>> Stephen: "I LOVE IT.
IT'S TREMENDOUS.
THEY'VE GOT CO KOALA NURSES.
INSTEAD OF AN AMBULANCE, YOU HOP INTO A KANGAROO'S POUCH, OFF TO
THE HOSPITAL.
HOPPITYY-HOPPITIY.
CHOPPITYY-CHOPPITY ( APPLAUSE )
TOILETS GO THE OTHER WAY.
IT'S MAGICAL.
( LAUGHTER ) "AFTER THE SURGERY, BLOOMIN'
'ONION.
IT'S FANTASTIC."
THAT'S NOT A SCALPEL, THIS IS A SCALPEL.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS WATCH, DEMOCRATIC SENATOR AND EVERY
MEMBER OF STEELY DAN COMBINED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BERNIE SANDERS.
AND SENATOR SANDERS HAD THIS RESPONSE.
>> YOU HAVE BETTER HEALTH CARE THAN WE DO.
>> I THOUGHT YOU WOULD-- >> OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE, CHRIS.
ALL RIGHT, THE PRESIDENT HAS JUST SAID IT.
THAT'S GREAT.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I HAVEN'T SEEN BERNIE SANDERS LAUGH THAT HARD SINCE HIS DAYS
ON "THE MUPPET" SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE MISS YOU, WALDORF.
OF COURSE, TRUMP'S HEARD THE CRITICISMS, AND HE DEFENDED THE
PLAN ON TWITTER BY SAYING IT'S NOT REALLY THE PLAN.
"BIG WIN IN THE HOUSE.
VERY EXCITING.
BUT WHEN EVERYTHING COMES TOGETHER WITH THE INCLUSION OF
PHASE 2, WE WILL HAVE TRULY GREAT HEALTH CARE."
OH, GREAT, PHASE 2.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT IS PHASE 2?
THERE'S NOTHING OMINOUS ABOUT SAYING TO A PATIENT, "WE'VE
REVIEWED YOUR MEDICAL PROFILE, MR. JONES.
AND YOU'RE READY FOR PHASE 2.
PLEASE PUT ON THE HEALING MASK AND STEP INTO THE HEALTH BOOTH.
NOW, GOOD, YES, I'LL JUST PUSH THIS RED BUTTON TO INITIATE...
PHASE 3!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOST IN THE SHUFFLE OF THE TRUMPCARE VOTE YESTERDAY WAS A
MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT BY DONALD HIMSELF.
>> I AM PROUD TO MAKE A MAJOR AND HISTORIC ANNOUNCEMENT THIS
MORNING, AND TO SHARE WITH YOU THAT MY FIRST FOREIGN TRIP AS
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> TO SAUDI ARABIA, AND THEN ROME.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRULY A HISTORIC TRIP SINCE NONE OF
THOSE PLACES IS MAR-A-LAGO.
AND BY MAKING SAUDI ARABIA AND ISRAEL HIS FIRST STOPS, TRUMP IS
CLEARLY FOCUSING ON CONFLICTS IN THE MIDDLE EAST, SOMETHING HE
DISCUSSED WITH PALESTINIAN AUTHORITY PRESIDENT, MAHMOUD
ABBAS.
>> IT'S A GREAT HONOR TO HAVE PRESIDENT ABBAS WITH US.
WE'LL BE HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER.
WE WILL BE DISCUSSING DETAILS ABOUT WHAT HAS PROVEN TO BE A
VERY DIFFICULT SITUATION BETWEEN ISRAEL AND THE PALESTINIANS, AND
LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND A SOLUTION.
IT'S SOMETHING THAT IS MAYBE NOT AS DIFFICULT AS PEOPLE THOUGHT
OVER THE YEARS.
>>> Stephen: YEAH, MIDDLE EAST PEACE, NOT THAT DIFFICULT.
I'M SURE THEY HAVE PLENTY OF IDEAS.
HAVE THEY TRIED BUILDING A WALL?
THEY HAVE, OKAY, I'M OUT OF IDEAS.
IT'S HOPELESS.
NOT THAT HARD.
NOT THAT HARD.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
RICHARD GERE IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, WE WILL RUN OFF AND JOIN THE CIRCUS.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

House Republicans Drank Your Sorrows Away

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