How To Childproof Your Home Before A Visit From Trump

AND, BESIDES BEING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, DONALD TRUMP
IS PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD, LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, IS
PART OF THE TITLE.
LATER THIS MONTH, TRUMP IS SCHEDULED TO ATTEND THE NATO
SUMMIT IN BRUSSELS.
AND THAT'S GOING TO BE A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE DURING THE
CAMPAIGN, TRUMP REPEATEDLY SAYS SADE THINGS LIKE THIS--
>> NATO IS OBSOLETE.
>> Stephen: THING IS, THE U.S.
IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEMBER OF NATO.
IT'S LIKE THE BEST MAN AT A WEDDING STANDING UP AND SAYING,
"CONGRATULATIONS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE.
MONOGAMY IS OBSOLETE.
EVERYBODY INTO THE FLESH PILE!" LET'S GO!
HUMP DAY!
AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY WORRY NATO HAS THIS WEEK.
RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE FRANTICALLY TRYING TO
TRUMP-PROOF THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST VISIT.
NOW, "TRUMP-PROOFING" TRADITIONALLY MEANS LOCKING THE
DOOR TO THE MISS U.S.A. DRESSING ROOM.
BUT JUST IN CASE, JUST IN CASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT IN THIS CASE, IT ALSO MEANS
COMPENSATING FOR TRUMP'S NOTORIOUSLY SHORT ATTENTION
SPAN, BY TELLING HEADS OF STATE TO LIMIT THEIR TALKS TO TWO TO
FOUR MINUTES AT A TIME.
"ALL RIGHT, TELL ME HOW TO SOLVE THE SYRIAN REFUGEE CRISIS.
YOU HAVE UNTIL MY BURRITO IS HOT."
( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS IS TRUE, TRUMP HAS GOT
SUCH A SHORT ATTENTION SPAN, HE HAS TO USE A BOOKMARK FOR
GREEGHT CARDS.
IT WOULD BE FUN TO WATCH TRUMP READ A BOOK, "IT WAS THE BEST OF
TIMES.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING."
( LAUGHTER ) ( DING )
OH, MY BURRITO IS DONE.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
AS ONE ANONYMOUS SOURCE PUT IT, "IT'S LIKE THEY'RE PREPARING TO
DEAL WITH A CHILD."
YEAH, WITH TRUMP AROUND, YOU'VE GOT TO PUT THE HOOK OGHTZ
CABINETS, BUMPERS ON THE COFFEE TABLE, AND PUT ONE OF
ONE OF THOSE TWISTY CAPS TO CHILD-PROOF THE NUCLEAR BUTTON.
AND JUST TO BE SAFE, PUT A MR. YUCK ON THERE.
AND AT THE AGE OF 70-- IS HE 70 NOW?
THEY GROW UP SO FAST.
AT THE AGE OF 70, HE DOESN'T HAVE THE ENERGY OF A CHILD, IN
PART BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN EXERCISE.
ACCORDING TO THE "WASHINGTON POST," DONALD TRUMP BELIEVES THE
HUMAN BODY IS LIKE A BATTERY, WITH A FINITE AMOUNT OF ENERGY,
WHICH EXERCISE DELET'S.
GOOD NEWS, KIDS, THERE'S GOING TO BE A NEW PRESIDENTIAL
PHYSICAL FITNESS TEST.
SEE THAT ROPE?
DON'T TOUCH IT.
OKAY, YOU PASSED.
HERE'S YOUR STICKER.
RUN ALONG.
IN CASE YOU ALSO GET YOUR MEDICAL
ADVICE FROM A MEDIEVAL BARBER, THE ARTICLE HELPFULLY EXPLAINS,
"THE HUMAN BODY ACTUALLY BECOMES STRONGER WITH EXCERCISE."
THAT'S ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY BY THE "NEW ENGLAND
JOURNAL OF NO DUH."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THAT, OF COURSE, IS NOT HOW
DONALD TRUMP SEES IT.
APPARENTLY, HE THINKS THAT A PERSON IS BORN WITH A FINITE
AMOUNT OF ENERGY, WHICH MAY I POINT OUT, BY THAT LOGIC, WOULD
MEAN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BABIES.
THEY'VE GOT THE MOST-- ONCE THAT FONTANEL CLOSES, THEY'RE KILLING
MACHINES!
THEY HAVE NO OBJECT PERMANENCE, SO THEY WON'T MISS YOU WHEN
YOU'RE GONE.
MAKE DELTA FORCE OUT OF THEM AND TOSS THEM OUT OF PLANES AT
PEOPLE.
I SUPPOSE WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN HIS ANTI-EXERCISE THING COMING.
AFTER ALL, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS TRUMP DID WAS REPLACE
MICHELLE OBAMA'S "LET'S MOVE" CAMPAIGN WITH HIS OWN, "LETS'
NOT."
♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU.
SPEAKING OF NOT EXERCISING, ANYONE RIDE THE SUBWAY HERE?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE WAYS TO GET AROUND NEW YORK CITY, RIGHT
AFTER GURNEY AND BEING KIDNAPPED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT GOOD NEWS FOR SUBWAY FANS:
THE RIDE'S ABOUT TO GET A LITTLE MORE POLITE, BECAUSE STARTING
THIS WEEK, THE "NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY IS GIVING 'BABY ON BOARD'
BUTTONS TO PREGNANT WOMEN."
THAT'S A LOT BETTER THAN THE M.T.A.'S FIRST DRAFT,
"INSEMINATED AND NAUSEOUS."
( LAUGHTER ) , OF COURSE, THEY'RE NOT HANDING
THAT ONE OUT.
THAT WAS A FIRST DRAFT.
YOUR REACTION IS WHY THERE WAS NOT A SECOND DRAFT OF THAT.
OF COURSE, THERE ARE PROS AND CONS HERE.
ON THE PRO SIDE, THESE BUTTONS COULD FINALLY REMOVE EVERY
SUBWAY RIDER'S GREATEST FEAR-- THAT YOU WILL ACCIDENTALLY OFFER
YOUR SEAT TO A WOMAN YOU THINK IS PREGNANT BUT IS NOT.
THAT'S WHY, TO COVER ALL THEIR BASES, THE M.T.A. IS ALSO
OFFERING BUTTONS THAT SAY, "NOT PREGNANT, JUST CHIPOTLE".
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
OH.
OH.
OH.
SPEAKING OF BABIES, THE SOCIAL -- WE WERE SPEAKING OF BABIES
PURPOSE WE WERE SPEAKING OF BABIES.
THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION JUST RELEASED ITS
2016 BABY NAME DATA AND THE FASTEST GROWING NAME IN
THE U.S. IS KYLO, AS IN KYLO REN FROM "STAR WARS: THE FORCE
AWAKENS."
THIS IS SURPRISING, SINCE NEWBORN BABIES LOOK WAY MORE
LIKE YODA.
"POOP MY PANTS I DID."
ACCORDING TO THE DATA, 238 PARENTS NAMED THEIR SONS AFTER
THE NEW "STAR WARS" VILLAIN LAST YEAR.
BUT I'M NOT CONVINCED NAMING YOUR SON KYLO IS A GOOD IDEA.
FOR ONE THING, KYLO REN KILLS HIS DAD!
WHICH IS A HUGE SPOILER FOR YOUR SON'S TEENAGE YEARS-- "I TOLD
YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY ROOM, OLD MAN!"
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT TO ME, AFTER YOUR BROTHER OEDIPUS
RAN OFF WITH YOUR MOTHER!" ( LAUGHTER )

How To Childproof Your Home Before A Visit From Trump

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