Kristen Bell's Guest Host Monologue on Jimmy Kimmel Live

.
WOW.
HOLY SMOKES.
I WASN'T NERVOUS BUT NOW I AM.
HELLO, EVERYONE.
I'M YOUR GUEST HOST FOR THE
EVENING, KRISTEN BELL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I'M FILLING IN FOR JIMMY KIMMEL
WHO IS AT HOME RIGHT NOW BURPING
A TINY PERSON.
THIS IS A FIRST FOR ME.
I'VE NEVER HOSTED A TALK SHOW
BEFORE.
I THINK I'LL BE OKAY I MEAN, I
CAN READ WORDS OFF A
TELEPROMPTER, AND I LEGITIMATELY
HATE MATT DAMON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOSTING A LATE NIGHT SHOW IS
SUPER EXCITING FOR ME.
I HAVE TWO KIDS SO I HAVEN'T
BEEN UP THIS LATE SINCE 2012.
[ LAUGHTER ]
REAL TALK.
AND THERE'S VERY LITTLE CHANCE I
WILL KNOW ANY OF THE GUESTS
TONIGHT, UNLESS ONE OF THEM
WROTE "GOODNIGHT, MOON," OR IS
MOANA.
IS MOANA ON THE SHOW?
NO?
COPY THAT.
THERE'S ONE THING I'VE BEEN
HEARING A LOT SINCE I AGREED TO
DO THIS.
"KRISTEN, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE
READY TO HOST A LATE NIGHT SHOW?
YOU'RE COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED."
AND TO THEM I SAID, "ZIP IT,
DAX.
ZIP IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M PUTTING ALL MY TRAINING TO
USE TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW, I WENT TO NYU FOR
ACTING BUT I DROPPED OUT BECAUSE
I GOT CAST IN A BROADWAY SHOW.
SO LET THAT BE A LESSON TO THE
KIDS OUT THERE.
STAY IN SCHOOL --
UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER AND FAR
MORE LUCRATIVE COMES ALONG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND I KNOW THIS IS PROBABLY
DIFFERENT FOR ALL OF YOU SINCE
YOU'RE USED TO WATCHING JIMMY AT
THIS TIME.
LET'S BE HONEST, YOU BOUGHT A
TICKET TO "ROGUE ONE," AND NOW
YOU'RE WATCHING MATT DAMON'S
CHINA WALL PONYTAIL MOVIE.
I GET IT, AND I'M SORRY.
BUT TONIGHT THINK OF ME AS YOUR
BABYSITTER.
SO I GUESS, WHATEVER.
FEND FOR YOURSELVES WHILE I MAKE
OUT WITH MY BOYFRIEND ON YOUR
PARENTS' BED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'VE GOT TO SAY IF THERE'S ONE
THING THAT MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE A
TALK SHOW HOST, IT'S HAVING YOUR
OWN SIDEKICK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Kristen: HI GUILLERMO.
>> Guillermo: HI.
>> Kristen: HOW'S IT GOING?
>> Guillermo: GOOD, GOOD.
>> Kristen: HOW AM I DOING?
>> Guillermo: YOU'RE DOING GOOD.
YOU GOT 55 MINUTES TO GO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Kristen: WHAT?
OKAY.
WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT?
>> Guillermo: I THINK YOU SHOULD
KEEP READING THAT TELEPROMPTER.
>> Kristen: OKAY, I'LL KEEP
READING.
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, GREAT IDEA.
I GUESS I'LL START OFF WITH SOME
CROWD WORK.
THEY SAY TALKING TO THE CROWD IS
A GREAT WAY TO BUILD
CAMARADERIE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HI!
WHERE ARE YOU FROM, MA'AM?
>> DENVER, COLORADO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Kristen: OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
CAMARADERIE COMPLETE!
IT REALLY DOES MEAN THE WORLD TO
ME THAT YOU ALL CAME HERE
TONIGHT TO CHEER ME ON.
IT'S FUNNY, I'M ON A SHOW CALLED
"THE GOOD PLACE" BUT BEING HERE
WITH ALL OF YOU I FEEL LIKE I'M
IN THE GREAT PLACE.
[ AUDIENCE AWWWS ]
RIGHT?
OH, I FORGOT TO MENTION, IN
ADDITION TO THE APPLAUSE SIGN, I
ADDED AN "AWWW" SIGN TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ AUDIENCE AWWS ]
IT'S NICE RIGHT?
ANYWAY PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
GAVE AN INTERVIEW TODAY --
[ AUDIENCE AWWS ]
IS THAT BROKEN, GUYS?
THEY'RE TELLING ME IT'S BROKEN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, NEVER MIND, LET'S
JUST KILL IT.
IT'S A BAD IDEA.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE
OBSERVING, I'D LIKE TO WISH YOU
A HAPPY "STAR WARS" DAY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
TODAY IS MAY THE 4th.
AS IN "MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH
YOU."
CAN YOU IMAGINE EXPLAINING STAR
WARS DAY TO SOMEONE WHO'S NEVER
SEEN THE MOVIE?
"YEAH, IT'S A HOLIDAY WHEN WE
CELEBRATE A MOVIE ABOUT A
BROTHER AND SISTER WHO KISS."
PEOPLE TAKE THEIR LOVE OF "STAR
WARS" PRETTY SERIOUSLY.
SOME OF THESE WEIRDOS EVEN GET
DRESSED UP IN COSTUMES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Kristen: ALL RIGHT, OKAY,
WELL.
FULL DISCLOSURE, THAT WAS ME
FROM THE MOVIE "FANBOYS."
BUT I WAS FORCED TO WEAR THAT,
BY THE FORCE.
WHAT?
I'M A LEGIT "STAR WARS" FAN.
BAM.
[ APPLAUSE ]
I DON'T CARE IF THAT MAKES ME A
NERD.
I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I LOVE
THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MAINSTREAM
MOVIE FRANCHISE OF ALL-TIME.
I DO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I ACTUALLY TRIED TO ORGANIZE
SUPPORT FOR A HOLIDAY BASED ON
ONE OF MY FILMS, BUT NOBODY
WANTED TO CELEBRATE "FORGETTING
SARAH MARCH 3rd."
I DON'T THINK IT POPPED.
IT DIDN'T POP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I
WOULD LIKE TO TAKE A SINCERE
MOMENT TO THANK THE STAFF HERE
AT THE SHOW.
THEY HAVE BEEN SO COLLABORATIVE.
I GOT LIKE 100 GOOGLE DOT
INVITES TODAY.
AND I ACCEPTED ALL OF THEM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THEIR
REGULAR HOST, EVERYONE WHO WORKS
HERE SHOWED ME THE SAME RESPECT,
THE SAME PROFESSIONALISM, THAT
THEY GIVE TO JIMMY EVERY DAY.
GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!
>> HI.
>> HEY.
>> Kristen: I'M KRISTEN.
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE AND
HOSTING TONIGHT.
I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR THE JOKES
YOU GUYS WROTE FOR ME.
SHOULD WE GET STARTED?
>> UH -- YOU KNOW, WE ACTUALLY
DON'T WRITE ON WEDNESDAYS.
WE CALL IT A NO-WRITE WEDNESDAY.
>> Kristen: IT'S THURSDAY.
>> RIGHT, WE DON'T WRITE ON
THURSDAYS EITHER.
WE CALL IT --
>> Kristen: NO-WRITE THURSDAYS?
>> THAT'S GOOD.
I LIKE THAT.
>> Kristen: WHAT DOES JIMMY DO
ON THE SHOW WHEN YOU GUYS DON'T
WRITE?
>> DO YOU KNOW ANY SKATEBOARD
TRICKS?
>> Kristen: NO.
>> [ BLEEP ], I HAVE TO GO.
WE HAVE A RESERVATION AT
HOOTERS.
>> YEAH, IT'S HOOTERS.
>> Kristen: THEY TAKE
RESERVATIONS?
>> THEY DO NOW.
>> Kristen: SKATEBOARD TRICKS.
JIMMY!
HEY, GUILLERMO.
>> Guillermo: HEY, NICE
SKATEBOARD.
>> Kristen: I LIKE YOUR IGUANA.
>> Guillermo: THAT'S GOOD, HE
WANTS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND
JIMMY USUALLY WALK HIM.
>> Kristen: HE DOES?
>> Guillermo: YEAH, TWICE A DAY.
AND SOMETIMES THREE TIMES A DAY.
>> Kristen: OKAY.
I'M ON MY WAY TO WARDROBE.
>> Guillermo: IT'S OKAY.
HERE.
IF YOU -- HE BITE YOU JUST
SCREAM HE'S BITING ME!
>> Kristen: HELLO!
HI.
>> HI.
>> Kristen: I'M HERE TO GET MY
WARDROBE.
>> UH, OKAY.
>> Kristen: THAT IS JIMMY'S
SUIT?
>> YES.
>> Kristen: I THINK THAT'S GOING
TO BE A LITTLE BIG.
>> WELL, YOU CAN JUST WEAR THAT.
>> Kristen: JUST JEANS AND A
T-SHIRT?
>> ALL RIGHT, FINE.
LET ME GET SOMETHING TO DRESS IT
UP, HOLD ON.
>> Kristen: TESTING, TESTING.
>> SOUNDS GOOD.
ONE MORE THING.
MAX HAS A RASH ON HIS TUSH SO
GET PLENTY OF OINTMENT DOWN
THERE.
>> Kristen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> JIMMY BABYSITS OUR KIDS
DURING THE DAY SO WE DON'T HAVE
TO PAY FOR CHILD CARE.
HE'S JUST THAT KIND OF HOST.
ARE YOU THAT KIND OF HOST?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Kristen: YES.
>> GREAT.
AND THAT RASH IS REALLY
CONTAGIOUS.
SO JUST DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE.
BYE, BUDDY.
[ AUDIENCE AWWS ]
>> HEY, HON.
CAME TO WISH YOU LUCK.
WHAT'S -- WHOSE KID IS THIS?
>> Kristen: I DON'T KNOW HOW
JIMMY DOES IT.
I HAD TO LEARN TO SKATEBOARD
BECAUSE IT'S NO-WRITE THURSDAY.
I HAD TO WALK GUILLERMO'S
IGUANA, PUT OINTMENT ON THIS
BABY, TAKE A LIGHTING GUY'S
UNCLE TO THE AIRPORT, AND WASH
THE DRUMS.
>> THEY SUBSTITUTE TEACHER'D
YOU.
>> Kristen: WHAT?
>> WHEN YOU GO TO THE SCHOOL,
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER THERE, YOU
[ BLEEP ] GET AWAY WITH MURDER.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.
>> Kristen: OH!
I BET YOU JIMMY DOESN'T EVEN
WEAR THIS HAT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ACTUALLY, HE DOES.
HE THINKS HE LOOKS GOOD IN IT
TOO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO DID THIS?
WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?
>> Kristen: EVERYBODY.
>> WHO'S THE RINGLEADER?
OH.
SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
>> Guillermo: MISS KRISTEN BELL?
WE -- WE'RE SORRY WE TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF YOU.
WE DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT.
WE JUST LAZY.
>> Kristen: I KNOW YOU'RE LAZY,
I'VE SEEN THE SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON.
HOW ABOUT WE START WORKING
TOGETHER AND PUT ON A GREAT SHOW
TONIGHT?
>> Guillermo: TOO LATE FOR THAT.
BUT WE LOVE YOU, MISS CRATE AND
BARREL.
>> Kristen: ALL RIGHT, GROUP
HUG.
>> OW, THIS IGUANA'S GOT MY
BACK.
>> Guillermo: JUST MEANS HE
LOVES YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Kristen: WELL, WE DID IT.
WE MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST-EVER
LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE.
I WANT YOU TO KNOW, EVEN THOUGH
WE'VE ONLY KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR
11 MINUTES, EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF YOU WILL HOLD A SPECIAL PLACE
IN MY HEART UNTIL THE END OF

Kristen Bell's Guest Host Monologue on Jimmy Kimmel Live

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