Late Show First Drafts: Graduation 2017

JON, ARE YOU EXCITED-- ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT SUMMER TAKING OFF
HERE BSTARTING UP THE SUMMER?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, MAN.
I LOVE SUMMER, IT'S MY FAVORITE.
>> AND THE END OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.
>> Jon: IT I IT IS.
>> Stephen: AND LAST WEEK I UNDERSTAND YOU GAVE THE
COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT SALVE REGINA UNIVERSITY COLLEGE.
WHAT DID YOU SAY TO THE KIDS?
WHAT WAS YOUR MESSAGE OF HOPE AND LEADERSHIP?
>> Jon: I SAID YOU HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE, WHO YOU
WANT TO BE, AND WHO YOU CAN HELP ALONG THE WAY.
THAT WAS MY THEME.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, YEAH.
WE LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE.
WE LEAK TO HELP PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WE TRY TO, WE TRY TO.
WE DO, WE DO.
>> Stephen: AND WE WOULD LIKE TO HELP SOME OF THE GRADUATE
RIGHT NOW.
IN AROUND OF ALL THE GRADUATES WE WOULD LIKE TO DO A GRADUATION
SEGMENT OF "FIRST DRAFTS."
>> NO, STUPID!
>> Stephen: WHENEVERY DO FIRST DRAFTS I NEED SOMEBODY TO HELP
ME READ THE FIRST DRAFTS UP HERE.
GOT ANYBODY WHO IS STILL IN COLLEGE RIGHT NOW?
ANYBODY OUT HERE WHO IS STILL IN COLLEGE?
ARE YOU?
YOUNG LADY, ARE YOU STILL IN COLLEGE?
>> I GRADUATED.
>> Stephen: YOU GRADUATED?
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
>> ASHLEE.
>> Stephen: GET YOUR ASS UP HERE.
COME ON.
THANK YOU.
THERE YOU GO.
GO ALL THE WAY UP HERE.
ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, SO YOU ALREADY GRADUATED?
>> JUST GRADUATE GLD WHERE DID YOU GRADUATE FROM.
>> THE UNIVERSITY OF KANSAS.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU STUDY?
THAT'S A GREAT SCHOOL.
>> COMMUNITY HEALTH.
>> Stephen: COMMUNITY HEALTH?
DO YOU HAVE A HEALTH CARE PLAN FOR AMERICA?
>> I WISH I DID.
>> Stephen: TO CELEBRATE YOUR GRADUATE, HERE'S A LUKEWARM KEG
BEER, AND A COPY OF "ALL THE PLACES YOU'LL GO."
THAT'S FOR YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN HOLD ON TO THAT.
WHAT'S YOUR LAST NAME.
>> THAT'S ACTUAL BEER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S ACTUAL BEER.
WAIT, ARE YOU 21?
>> I AM.
>> Stephen: EVERYTHING'S GREAT THEN.
GOT ME WORRIED THERE FOR A SECOND, ASHLEE.
CAN YOU PUT THAT OVER THERE?
I WANT YOU TO HOLD THIS STACK OF CARDS.
THESE ARE GRADUATION CARDS, OKAY?
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: THAT WE HAVE TWO DRAFTS.
WE HAVE THE ORIGINAL DRAFT, AND WE HAVE THE-- AND THE PHENYL
DRAFT, OKAY.
AND WE SHOW HOW THE PREMISE OF THIS BIT THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO DO
IS I WILL READ THE FINAL DRAFT AND THEN READ THE FIRST DRAFT,
TO SEE THE MISTAKE THEY MADE THE FIRST TIME THIGH TRIED TO READ
THE-- WRITE THE CARD.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WITH ME?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: I'LL TAKE THAT FIRST ONE.
HERE'S A LOVELY GRADUATION CARD.
IT SAYS, "CONGRATULATIONS CLASS OF 2017."
IT'S A BIG WORLD OUT THERE-- GO FOR IT!
WHICH IS AWFULLY NICE.
THE KIND OF MESSAGE YOU WOULDN'T MIND GETTING FOR YOUR FOLKS.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "MOM CHANGED YOUR ROOM INTO A SHOE
CLOSET."
( APPLAUSE ).
>> SOMETHING THIGH MOM WOULD DO.
>> Stephen: IS YOUR MOM HERE?
>> NO, SHE'S IN KANSAS.
>> Stephen: SHE'S BACK IN KANSAS?
THIS ONE'S PRETTY PROFOUND.
I BELIEVE THIS IS A QUOTE FROM THOMAS PAINE.
"CONGRATS, GRADS.
THE MIND ONCE ENLIGHTENED CANNOT BECOME DARK."
DEEP STUFF, RIGHT, DEEP STUFF.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "YOUR DRUNK FACEBOOK PHOTOS ARE NEVER
GOING AWAY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> OH, NO!
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
>> I BETTER GET TO DELETING THEN.
>> Stephen: WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO WITH YOUR DEGREE
NOW THAT YOU'RE-- NOW THAT YOU HAVE GRADUATED?
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR DEGREE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
ARE YOU GUYS HIRING?
>> Stephen: I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE NOT.
I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE NOT.
THIS ONE'S A BIT OF A PEP TALK.
IT SAYS, "CONGRATS, GRADUATES.
NOW THAT ALL STANDS BETWEEN AND YOU YOUR DREAMS IS BELIEF IN
YOURSELF.
THAT'S TRUE.
THE FIRST DRAFT READ, "REMEMBER, IF YOU HAVE TO, YOU CAN SELL
YOUR BLOOD."
>> OH, NO!
NEVER DONE THAT, I CAN SAY.
>> Stephen: I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE.
IT RESIDENT, "GREAT WORK, GRAD.
YOUR FUTURE IS UP TO YOU."
IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE, ASHLEE.
THE FIRST DRAFT READ,ING, ," WE' NOT PAYING FOR GRAD SCHOOL."
AREV YOU THOUGHT ABOUT GRAD SCHOOL?
>> I THOUGHT ABOUT IT GR I DIDN'T GO.
>> I'M GOING TO TAKE A BREAK.
>> Stephen: I WAS GOING TO GO TO GRADUATE SCHOOL
>> AND HERE YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WORKS OUT.
I AM PROOF THAT EDUCATION IS OVER-RATED
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A CARD THAT SAYS, "NEXT
STOP: MED SCHOOL!" THAT COULD BE FOR YOU.
THAT COULD BE FOR YOU, ASHLEE.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW.
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "PLEASE BECOME A DOCTOR BEFORE
TRUMP TAKES AWAY OUR INSURANCE."
THIS CARD SAYS-- THERE'S A LOVELY GRADUATE RIGHT THERE.
AND IT SAYS, "HOORAY, YOU DID IT."
>> WHAT DID IT REALLY SAY?
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "
"YOU CAN FINALLY TELL PEOPLE YOU'RE DATING YOUR PROFESSOR!"
>> Stephen: ANY OF THAT GOING AROUND AT THE UNIVERSITY OF
KANSAS?
>> I HOPE NOT THAT.
NOT THEY HEARD OF.
>> Stephen: MY COLLEGE LOVED THAT.
BUT I WENT TO ACTING SCHOOL, SO THAT'S TO BE EXPECTED.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IT'S PART OF THE MAJOR.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS-- THERE'S AN OWL, KIND OF CHARMING.
AND IT SAYS, "WE KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!"
BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "WE JUST DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD TAKE
YOU SEVEN YEARS!" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) DID YOU DO IT IN FOUR YEARS?
>> FOUR YEARS.
>> Stephen: FOUR YEARS?
>> YEAH.
I MADE IT.
>> Stephen: FIVE, I DID FIVE.
IT TOOK MY FIVE YEARS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN I GRADUATED, THERE WAS NO DIPLOMA
INSIDE OF MY LITTLE LEATHER THING.
THERE LITERALLY WAS JUST A TORN PIECE OF LEGAL PAD THAT SAID--
FROM THE DEAN.
IT SAID, "SEE ME."
TRUE STORY.
I GOT AN INCOMPLETE, GOT AN INCOMPLETE.
THIS IS A NICE SENTIMENT.
IT SAYS, "WAY TO GO, GRADUATE!
CARPE DIEM!" BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "THAT'S
THE LAST TIME YOU'LL EVER USE YOUR LATIN MAJOR."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ASHLEE, CONGRATULATIONS.
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN TAKE THE BEER WITH YOU.
>> OH, THANK YOU!
>> Stephen: AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT RIGHT OVER THERE.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT

Late Show First Drafts: Graduation 2017

Latest Posts