New Zealand Rape Survivors - In their Own Words

My name is Toni Lewis.
Sunniva Holt.
Debbi Tohill.
Belinda Nash.
Tamara.
Ko Hinewirangi tōku ingoa.
It happened when I was 19,
and it was my friend's flatmate.
In my late 30's when my attack took place.
I was about 22 years old,
and the person was my flatmate.
My uncle raped me at 6,
and when I woke up it was dark
and I could only smell the mud of the, of the, estuary.
My mother carries me up, up the long hill,
and as a child I thought I'd hurt her,
I thought something I did wrong...
So when he does it again, and again,
and again,
I never talked to anybody, and least of all her.
I felt really ashamed of what had happened,
and guilty that I'd gotten so drunk,
and I didn't know what had happened,
leading up to that because I was so drunk,
I couldn't remember, you know, had I, like, flirted with him?
It all seemed, very, surreal at the time.
I didn't even really know what sex was,
I had no idea, um
what had actually even happened.
I just felt sick.
Um, and I felt like, what ever just happened, was not right.
And I had all this regret, that I shouldn't have been up,
getting a glass of water in the kitchen,
it's my fault.
If people who haven't been exposed to abuse
their first question is usually, did you charge them?
Or, did you go to court?
They sort of look at you like theres something wrong with you,
if you didn't go to court...
Did it actually happen?
There's no way I would have gone to the police, at all...
I never felt like there was ever any point in going to the police,
because, they don't do anything about it anyway,
I didn't feel like I could really prove anything.
I went to the police and I filed a complete report,
and they didn't want to do anything about it,
because it was historic.
By the time I'm 15, I'm trying to commit suicide.
You know, cocaine, heroin, addiction, all those things,
just trying to die.
I had a death wish.
I know that my pain was located here,
in this part of me, in this low region,
and then I realised it had a voice,
that had a sound,
that it had, it had, and it went like...
[vocal sounds]
and being able to pull it!
to pull the voice through,
to pull it,
and I sang myself back into being.
For a long time after the attack,
I was very weary of people.
I always felt that I wasn't good enough,
I felt a lot of shame.
Every time I'm disempowered, or humiliated
or overpowered, or bullied,
I go straight into depression.
The biggest thing was, feeling alone,
and not feeling like I mattered.
I was really surprised at the amount of messages that I got
ah, after I came out about it,
and because I came out about it quite publicly,
and, I just had 100's of messages in my inbox
saying "I had the same thing happen to me...
thank you so much for coming out about it".
So many young woman came up to me
and told me their story
And everyone was like "You're so brave"
"It happened to me".
I think it's important to talk about these experiences
because it just removes the shame and the stigma.
To combat rape culture
we need to normalise that rape isn't the scary person in the bush
who jumps out and attacks someone.
Have more open discussions about it,
and, open discussions with our kids,
and, open discussions with other people,
and, our experiences, and get a lot of clarity around boundaries,
and what's acceptable and what's not.
You're at school, and a boy snaps your bra
and then you're just told...
"Ohh, boys will be boys"
"You know, you just gotta dismiss it".
Educating our young people is so, so important.
I think we need to understand that any unwanted sexual advance
by any person, to another person, is wrong.
The only way to change it
is to actually just get noisy about it.
They can take that power back,
and that's my advice.
If there's such a thing as advice,
find the healer within you.
Find your song.
And sing it.
There's so much power in being able to,
and unity I guess
and in, it's the numbers thing,
feeling like you're not the only one it's happened to.

New Zealand Rape Survivors - In their Own Words

Latest Posts