The Late Show's Teen Secrets

FOLKS, YOU KNOW, YOU MAY KNOW IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE SHOW
I'M A DAD.
AND AS A DAD OF COURSE I LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF FEAR ABOUT
MY TEENAGERS.
WE PARENTS NEVER KNOW WHAT DANGERS OUR TEENS ARE SECRETLY
HIDING FROM US, SEX, DRUGS, ACAPELLA MUSIC.
AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO PANIC ABOUT, JUST TURN ON THE
LOCAL NEWS.
>> THE SECRET LIES OF YOUR TEENS PUTTING THEM IN DANGER.
>> TEENS TRYING TO OUTDO EACH OTHER USING DUCT TAPE.
>> THEY'RE USING HAND SANITIZER TO GET DRUNK.
>> SMOKING ALCOHOL.
>> SEXTING.
>> PUTTING LIP BALM ON YOUR EYELIDS.
>> WATCH OUT FOR TEENS WHO MAY JUMP INTO THE WAY OF TRAFFIC.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO JUMP INTO TRAFFIC WHEN
YOUR EYE LIPS ARE HOPPED UP ON LIP BALM.
I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU A TERRIFYING NEW TREND AMONG
TEENS, SO SO POUR A TALL GLASS OF HAND SANITIZER AND BRACE
YOURSELF.
THIS IS THE LATE SHOW'S "TEEN SECRETS."
(LAUGHTER) >> TEEN SECRETS.
>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME WE EXPOSED TEEN SECRETS WE WARNED
YOU ABOUT THE DANGERS OF TEENS USING EMOJIS TO COMMUNICATE IN
CODE.
SO TEENS CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH EMOJIS.
AND NOW ACCORDING TO KPNX12 IN ARIZONA, ARIZONA'S NEWS LEADER,
THEY CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH EVERYTHING.
>> HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT.
HOW SOME TEENS HIDE DRUGS FROM THEIR PARENTS.
>> THIS NEXT STORY WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ALMOST
EVERYTHING.
>> THIS IS A PICTURE OF A TEENAGER'S BEDROOM.
LOOKS SIMPLE ENOUGH, CLEAN, TIDDY.
BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE ARE MORE THAN 70 ITEMS HIDING DRUGS
AND ALCOHOL.
>> Stephen: 70 ITEMS.
THAT'S IN ADDITION TO THE 200 ITEMS YOUR TEEN IS USING FOR
MASTURBATION.
(LAUGHTER) SO HOW EXACTLY ARE THESE DEFIOUS
TEENS STASHING THEIR STASH?
>> HERE IS A SLIT THAT HAS BEEN CUT IN THIS FLIPFLOP SO SOMEBODY
COULD LITERALLY WALK OUT OF THIS ROOM WITH PILLS IN THEIR SHOES.
A TEA LIGHT CANDLE ON ITS OWN DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOUR CHILD IS
USING DRUGS BUT THE TEA LIGHT CANDLE HOLDERS ARE ONE OF THE
MOST POPULAR WAYS THAT KIDS ARE COOKING HEROIN.
>> Stephen: COOKING HEROIN IN TEA LIGHTS.
THAT EXPLAINS THE NEW YANKEE CANDLE SCENT LOU REED.
AND THIS STORY IS EVERYWHERE JUST LIKE DRUGS.
>> DOES YOUR TEENAGE SON OR DAUGHTER SPEND A LOT OF TIME
HOLDING ON TO SMALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES LIKE GRAPHING CALCULATOR
OR ALARM CLOCKS.
>> WELL, KIDSK I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT ACCORDING TO LAW
ENFORCEMENT OFFICIALS, THOSE SMALL DEVICES ARE BEING USED BY
TEENAGERS TO BASICALLY STORE THEIR ILLEGAL NARCOTICS.
>> Stephen: YES, ACCORDING TO LAW ENFORCEMENT TEENS ARE HIDING
DRUGS IN THEIR CALCULATORS.
OF COURSE, IT ALL MAKES SENSE.
WE ALREADY KNEW TEENS WERE STORING PORNOGRAPHY IN THEIR
CALCULATORS.
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
BOOBIES.
(LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT?
THAT'S MATH.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THAT'S MATH!
WE HAVE GOTTEN-- HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO THE WORST HIDING SPOTS OF
ALL.
>> ODDLY ENOUGH THE DEA SAYS TEENS ARE ALSO USING STUFFED
ANIMALS AND BELTS.
>> Stephen: DRUGGING UP STUFFED ANIMALS?
HOW COULD YOU, TEENS?
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, ALL THE WARNING SIGNS WERE THERE WITH MY
BELOVED MR. ITCHY SKINS.
HE'S IN A BAD PLACE.
I CAUGHT HIM IN THE ALLEY SNUGGLING FOR CASH.
THANKFULLY THESE LOCAL NEWS HOUNDS HAVE TAUGHT ME TO
QUESTION EVERYTHING.
>> PARENTS CAN HAVE A HUGE IMPACT ON THE CHOICES THAT THEIR
KIDS MAKE.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE SEEING MAY
ACTUALLY BE WITHIN OPTICAL ILLUSION.
>> Stephen: OH MY GOD!
THAT WASN'T HIS REAL TIE!
AM I HIGH RIGHT NOW?
DID TEENS HIDE DRUGS INSIDE OF ME?
(LAUGHTER).
>> Stephen: LASSEES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS JUST THE TIP
OF THE DRUGBERG IT IS TIME TO LEARN ALL THE OTHER PLACES YOUR
TEENS COULD BE HIDING DRUGS RIGHT HERE AT THE TEEN SECRETS
NARC DESK.
ALL RIGHT, PARENTS.
QUESTION, DOES YOUR TEEN EVER EAT SANDWICHES?
YEAH, THERE IT IS.
A SANDWICH, LOOKS INNOCENT, RIGHT.
NOT SO FAST.
THE SO CALLED MEAT IS ACTUALLY A BAG OF ANGLE DUST.
-- ANGEL DUST, UH-HUH, TURKEY CLUB?
MORE LIKE TURKEY DRUG.
NEXT IS YOUR TEEN ALWAYS ON THE PHONE?
OF COURSE THEY ARE.
BUT ARE YOU SURE THEIR PHONE ISN'T ACTUALLY JUST A BRICK OF
HASH LABELED TO LOOK LIKE A PHONE?
YEAH, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
HELLO, PROMISING FUTURE, HELLO?
IT JUST HUNG UP ON ME.
NOW IF YOU ARE A RESPONSIBLE PARENT WHO LOVES HIS KIDS YOU
HAVE ALREADY TORN UP YOUR TEEN'S TEDDY BEAR IN FRONT OF THEM AND
SMASHED THEIR CALCULATOR.
STILL THEY'LL NEED SOMETHING TO USE FOR MATH CLASS.
WHY NOT THE FAMILY ABACUS YOU SAY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY NOT, DO THE MATH, DRUGS PLUS DRUGS EQUALS
DRUGS, TO THE POWER OF CASUAL SEX MINE US A CONDOM.
THIS NEXT ONE IS A HEARTBREAKER, MOMS AND DADS.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN YOUR TEEN WALKING AROUND WITH THEIR
CHILDHOOD MACK RONNIE ART?
HMMMM, HEY, CUTE, HUH?
YEAH, BUT LOOK A LITTLE BIT CLOSER.
EACH ONE OF THESE IS A TINY CRACK PIPE.
(LAUGHTER) YEAH, LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK AT THIS.
YEAH.
UH-HUH, I WOULD SELL MY BODY FOR ANOTHER HIT RIGHT NOW.
HERE'S AN A BORE-- ADORABLE PILLOW FROM YOUR TEEN'S ROOM
THAT SAYS I LOVE MY FAMILY.
NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, RIGHT?
EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT IT'S A COVER FOR THE REAL PILLOW,
DRUGS.
OKAY?
THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE DREAMING OF, OKAY.
AND I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO BREAK THIS ONE TO YOU.
YOUR TEEN LOVES YOUR FAMILY CAT, RIGHT?
UH-HUH.
THEY LOVE BURRITO.
FAMILY CAT, OH, BURRITO LOVES BEING ON CAMERA TOO.
THIS IS BURRITO.
OH, THEY PET BURRITO ALL THE TIME, THEY JUST LOVE BURRITO.
YOU EVER WONDER WHY?
WELL, LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU JUST SHAVE THE LITTLE GUY'S HAIR
OFF.
TURNS OUT THE WHOLE TIME BURRITO WASN'T A CAT, HE WAS A DUFFEL
BAG FULL OF WEED.
OKAY.
THAT'S WHY DOGS HATE CATS.
THEY CAN SMELL THE DRUGS.
SO REMEMBER, BURRITO'S FINE.
SO REMEMBER, DRUGS CAN BE ANYWHERE.
BECAUSE AS OUR FRIENDS AT KPNX ARIZONA SAY, WHAT YOU THINK ARE
YOU SEEING COULD BE-- AN OPTICAL ILLUSION.
IT WAS A CLIP-ON THE WHOLE TIME!
(APPLAUSE) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

The Late Show's Teen Secrets

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