Weekend Update on James Comey's Firing

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >> WELL, I KNOW MOST OF US THINK
THIS EVERY WEEK NOW, BUT THIS WEEK WAS CRAZY.
ON TUESDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED FBI DIRECTOR JAMES COMEY.
FIRST THE WHITE HOUSE CLAIMED THE HUSBAND HAD GLITTER ON HIS
COLOR. HE SAID COMEY WAS NOT DOING A
GOOD JOB, ADDING FOR EXAMPLE I'M STILL PRESIDENT.
THEN HE CALLED COMEY A SHOW BOAT.
THIS GUY IS A SHOW BOAT. HE LOOKS LIKE IF THE WORD GOSH
BECAME A PERSON. TRUMP WAS REPORTEDLY SURPRISED
THAT PEOPLE WERE ANGRY HE FIRED THE GUY INVESTIGATING THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN. HOW DID TRUMP NOT REALIZE THAT
WAS SUSPICION. IF A DRUG SNIFFING DOG CAME UP
TO YOUR BAG AT THE AIRPORT AND YOUR RESPONSE WAS TO SHOOT THE
DOG, PEOPLE WOULD WONDER WHAT'S IN THAT BAG?
OR THEY WOULD ASSUME YOU WORKED FOR UNITED.
>> STEVE BANNON TOLD THE PRESIDENT THIS WAS NOT THE RIGHT
TIME TO FIRE COMEY. WHEN IS THE GOOD TIME TO FIRE
THE GUY INVESTIGATING YOU. WHILE HE IS PUTTING ON THE
HANDCUFFS? SOMETHING LOOKS BAD WHEN STEVE
BANNON WALKS IN WITH HIS HOT DOG BREATH AND 10:00 SHADOW.
EVERYTHING TRUMP DOES SOUNDS LIKE THE TRAILER OF A WACKY
MOVIE. IT SHOULD COME WITH A RECORD
SCRATCH AND A FUN SONG. TRUMP HALTS AN FBI INVESTIGATION
BY FIRING -- THE HEAD OF THE FBI ♪♪♪
I FEEL GOOD, HEY ♪♪♪ >> WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
SEAN SPICER TRIED TO EVADE REPORTERS BY DUCKING INTO
BUSHES. DIVING INTO BUSHES WITHOUT
WARNING IS USUALLY HIS BOSS'S THING.
>> SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS SAID HE COMMITTED BASIC ATROCIIES
LIKE REOPENING THE HILLARY CLINTON INVESTIGATION.
A BASIC ATROCITY IS WHEN YOU POST A BRUNCH PHOTO THAT SAYS
PIZZA IS LIFE OR YOUR PROFILE PICK IS YOU ON AN INFLATABLE
SWAN OR WHERE SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS GETS HER WARDROBE.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP WARNED THAT JAMES COMEY BETTER HOPE THERE
ARE NO TAKE PLACE OF OUR CONVERSATIONS BEFORE HE STARTS
LEAKING TO THE PRESS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
BECAUSE HE PUT THE WORD TAPES IN QUOTES.
ADDING RANDOM QUOTATIONS MAKES EVERYTHING SOUND WORSE.
IT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRANDMA IS SLEEPING AND GRANDMA
IS "SLEEPING." AS A VERY ACTIVE PRESIDENT WITH
LOTS OF THINGS HAPPEN, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE FOR MY SURROGATES TO
STAND AT THE PODIUM WITH GREAT ACCURACY.
VERY ACTIVE IS HOW YOU DESCRIBE THE IMAGINATION OF A CHILD WITH
HIS SCHOOL ON FIRE. HE GOES ON TO SAY MAYBE THE BEST
THING TO DO WOULD BE TO CANCEL ALL FUTURE BRIEFINGS AND HANDOUT
WRITTEN RESPONSES FOR THE SAKE OF ACCURACY.
NO, DUDE. YOU CAN'T GET RID OF PRESS
BRIEFINGS. HE TRIES TO OFFER A WAY WORSE
PLAN AS A SOLUTION LIKE WHEN PEOPLE CRITICIZE HIM FOR NOT
DRAPING THE SWAMP. THEN I SHOULD HIRE MY SON IN
LAW? ♪♪♪
I FEEL GOOD, HEY! ♪♪♪
>> HIS LAWYER CLAIMS THE LAST TEN YEARS DO NOT SHOW RUSSIAN
INCOME WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS. THAT'S NOT COMFORTING.
IT'S LIKE SAYING ALL THE KIDS CAME BACK FROM THE FIELD TRIP,
WITH A FEW EXCEPTIONS. YOU POINT OUT THAT ONE OF THE
TAX ATTORNEYS IS NAMED WILLIE NELSON.
AND I KNOW IT'S NOT THIS WILLIE NELSON WHO FAMOUSLY DIDN'T PAY
TAXES, BUT I WOULDN'T HIRE A BABY-SITTER WHOSE LEGAL NAME WAS
JARED FOGLE. >> BETSY DEVOS WAS BOOED WHILE
GIVING A COMMENCEMENT SPEECH AND IT WAS THE MOST BOOING FROM AN
ALL BLACK AUDIENCE SINCE I LET COLIN OPEN FOR ME AT THE APOLLO.
>> PRIVATE MOMENT. >> THE HEALTH CARE PROPOSAL
COULD END ACCESS TO DRUG TREATMENT AND REHAB.
HERE IS PETE DAVIDSON. >> WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN UP TO
SINCE YOU GOT SOBER. >> THEY SAY QUITTING DRUGS IS
HARD AND THAT'S TRUE, BUT THEY DON'T TELL YOU HOW BORING IT IS.
HOWEVER SAID THERE WAS NOT ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY IS A
LIAR. THERE ARE SO MANY HOURS IN THE
DAY, 24 TO BE EXACT. DID YOU KNOW THAT?
24-HOURS IN A DAY. I THOUGHT THERE WERE ONLY SIX.
>> WOW. THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.
I FELL LIKE THERE MUST HAVE BEEN SOMETHING YOU DID WITH YOUR TIME
OFF. >> I HAVE BEEN MASTURBATING.
>> GREAT. >> I'M DOING THAT A LOT.
I WAS ON DRUGS FOR THE LAST EIGHT YEARS AND I HAVE TO GET
ALL THE BAD KIDS OUT. >> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
>> I HAVE TO MASTURBATE ALL THE BAD KIDS OUT.
THERE IS A BUNCH OF DUMMY THIS IS THERE.
IF I HAD A KID HE WOULD HAVE A SNAP BACK AND A NECK TATTOO.
>> I'M GOING TO MOVE ON FROM THAT.
HOW DID YOU BECOME SOBER? >> I WENT TO REHAB AND NEVER
PICK THE REHAB YOU WANT TO GO TO WHILE YOU ARE HIGH.
THAT'S WHAT I DID. I GOOGLED REHAB AND PICKED THE
FIRST PLACE. WHAT CAUGHT MY EYE IS THEIR MAIN
ATTRACTION WAS HORSE THERAPY. >> WHAT'S HORSE THERAPY?
>> WOULDN'T WE ALL LIKE TO KNOW. I'M NOT 100% SURE, BUT WHEN YOU
PET HORSES AND LOOK AT THEM AND LIKE HEAL THROUGH THEIR
HORSEYNESS. YOU PET THEM AND YOU LOOK THEM
IN THE EYE AND YOU ARE TRAPPED, I'M TRAPPED.
WE GET THROUGH THIS. >> THAT ACTUALLY SOUNDS NICE.
>> FOR DOES, BUT THE FIRST DAY I GOT TO REHAB, GUESS WHO IS
ALLERGIC TO HORSES. THAT'S HOW POOR I WAS GROWING
UP. I NEVER MET A HORSE.
I REMEMBER DOING THE ALLERGY TEST WHEN THEY TEST YOU FOR
DOGS, CATS AND GRASS. THE DOCTOR ASKED MY MOM SHOULD
HE BE TESTED FOR HORSES SHE LITERALLY SAID NO, HE WILL NEVER
SEE ONE. HE SAID WE ARE MORE OF A SIX
FLAGS TYPE FAMILY. >> I'M SORRY.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A NIGHTMARE SCENARIO.
>> IT WAS. DO NOT GO TO REHAB THAT HAS
HORSE THERAPY. IT WILL COST YOU $40,000.
>> IT COST YOU 4 $40,000. >> YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH A
PERSON FOR LIKE $50. I SHOULD HAVE BANGED THAT HORSE.

Weekend Update on James Comey's Firing - SNL

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