Bill Burr Blames Candy Stores For Making Everyone Sensitive

FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN
( BAND PLAYING ) WHO "ROLLING STONE" CALLED THE
UNDISPUTED HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF RAGE-FUELED HUMOR.
PLEASE WELCOME BILL BURR.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> RAGE-FUELED HUMOR.
I DON'T EVEN THINK I'M MAD.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR?
YOU DON'T THINK THE DESCRIPTION IS?
>> NO, I'M JUST OLD.
THIS IS HOW PEOPLE USED TO TALK.
AND THEN I JUST LIVED LONG ENOUGH, AND PEOPLE BROUGHT IT
DOWN, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: PEOPLE ARE TOO POLITE NOW?
>> NOT POLITE.
THEY'RE NICER.
THEY'RE PLEASANT.
THERE'S A PLEASANTNESS OUT THERE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT DESCRIBING THAT WITH A PLEASANT
TONE OF VOICE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU MANAGED TO MAKE "PLEASANT"
SOUND LIKE A NEGATIVE.
>> I KNOW.
THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
I GREW UP IN MASSACHUSETTS.
THIS IS THE ACCENT.
WE SOUND-- WE SOUND LIKE WE'RE UPSET.
I'M IN A GREAT MOOD.
I GET A FREE MUG.
I LOVE THE FREE MUG.
>> Stephen: WE GIVE YOU THIS MUG.
>> YEAH!
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT WE WASHED IT OUT AND USED IT AGAIN.
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TURN A PROFIT ON THIS ONE.
NOTHING MAKING YOU MAD?
>> OH, THINGS UPSET ME, YES.
I-- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T WANT TO-- LOOK, I FLY A LOT, AND THERE'S THIS WHOLE NEW
THING, GENERATION OF PEOPLE THAT TAKE THEIR SOCKS AND THEIR SHOES
OFF ON THE PLANE.
YOU'VE GOT TO LOOK AT THEIR SMELLY FEET, AND THEN THEY'LL
LITERALLY STAND UP AND THEY WILL WALK INTO A COMMERCIAL AIRLINE
BATHROOM-- YEAH-- USE IT, AND THEN WALK AND SIT BACK DOWN
AGAIN.
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
>> YEAH!
IF I WAS A DICTATOR, THOSE PEOPLE LOBBY ELIMINATED.
( LAUGHTER ) I WOULD.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH?
UH-HUH.
>> THEY'RE ANIMALS.
THEY'RE ANIMALS!
I SAW A GUY, HE LITERALLY-- I WAS IN L.A.X. TO COME OUT HERE,
AND THE GUY HAD HIS SOCKS AND SHOES OFF, AND HIS FEET UP ON
HIS LUGGAGE, AND EVERYBODY HAD TO LOOK AT HIS OLD
50-SOMETHING-YEAR-OLD FEET.
AND I JUST KEPT PICTURING BEATING THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET
UNTIL HE TOOK THEM OFF, LIKE SHAME HIM INTO IT YOU.
>> Stephen: MOVED HERE IN '95 TO NEW YORK CITY?
>> YES, I DID.
>> Stephen: YOU HAVE LIVED HERE THE ENTIRE TIME SINCE THEN?
>> NO, I LIVED IN L.A. BRIEFLY IN THE LATE 90s, AND THEN CAME
BACK HERE IN '99, LIVED HERE UNTIL 2007, LOVED IT, AND SINCE
THEN I'VE LIVED OUT IN L.A.
>> Stephen: I MOVED HERE IN '95, TOO.
IT WAS A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT THEN.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IT WASN'T QUITE AS CLEANED UP AND AS NICE.
>> NO, IT WASN'T.
IT WAS A SCARY PLACE TO BE.
AND CROWDS WERE NOT IMPRESSPURPOSE THERE WERE DRUG
ADDICTS, PEOPLE NODDING OFF, LIKE ALPHABET CITY AND
EVERYTHING.
IT WAS A VERY DIFFICULT PLACE TO DO STAND-UP.
AND NOW 20 YEARS LATER I CAME BACK AND I WAS DOING STAND-UP
LOCALLY, AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE GROANING IN THE CROWD AT JOKE S.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
THERE'S AN M&M STORE IN TIMES SQUARE NOW, AND JUST KIND OF
AFFECTED EVERYBODY, THEIR MINDSET.
AND EVERYTHING NOW IS, "OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD."
YOU HAVE TO WALK THEM THROUGH THE JEEK.
I SAID, " I SAW A LESBIAN WALKING THROUGH A RESTAURANT."
AND EVERYBODY WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!"
IT WAS UNDENIABLE.
>> Stephen: THAT SHE WAS A LESBIAN, YOU MEAN?
>> YEAH, SHE WAS DRESSED LIKE JOHN GOODMAN ON "ROSEANNE."
IT WAS FUNNY TO ME.
SHE WAS DRESSED LEAK A CONSTRUCTION WORKER.
IT'S FUNNY YOU WOULD JUST PICK A JOB EYE LIKE WOMEN BUT I DON'T
DRESS LIKE A PIRATE AND HAVE A LANTERN AND WALK AROUND WITH IT.
IT WAS JUST FUNNY.
>> Stephen: MAYBE SHE WAS A CONSTRUCTION WORKER.
>> SHE WASN'T!
HER HANDS WERE, LIKE, AS CLEAN AS MINE.
>> Stephen: SHE'S THE FOREMAN.
>> I ALMOST GOT OFFENDED AS, LIKE, A MAN, LOOKING AT HER
LIKE, "LOOK, WE DON'T DO ALL OF THAT!
WE'LL WEAR SOME OF THAT.
SHE HAD A COSTUME.
SHE HAD THE HARD HAT AND THAT SURVEYOR THING.
YOU FEEL IT NOW.
THEY'RE GETTING ALL-- THEY'RE BACK OFF.
"IS HE SAYING-- IS HE SAYING THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG?"
NO, I'M SAYING SHE WAS DRESSED RIDICULOUS.
THE WOMAN WHO HAPPENED TO BE A LESBIAN, IT WAS FUNNY THE WAY
SHE WAS DRESSED.
I'M GOING TO BE WASHED UP IN SIX MONTHS.
THEY'VE GOT A HERSHEY'S STORE DOWN THERE.
THE GIANT KISS THING WITH THE STRING.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T LIKE CANDY.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE A WHOLE STORE.
IS THERE GOING TO BE A SNICKERS STORE?
HOW FAT DO THEY WANT TO MAKE PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE GOT AN ANIMATED SHOW.
WHERE IS "F IS FOR FAMILY"?
>> IT'S ON NETFLIX.
>> Stephen: I VERY VERY GOOD THINGS.
>> SEASON TWO.
10 EPISODES, JUST CAME OUT THE OTHER DAY.
( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: WHY-- THIS IS-- IS IT SET IN THE 1970s?
BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS.
>> YES, IT IS.
>> Stephen: WHY DID YOU WANT TO DO AN ANIMATION AND WHY THE
70s?
>> JUST THROUGH TELLING FAMILY STORIES DOING STAND-UP, AS A
YOUNG COMIC, EVERYONE WOULD LAUGH TELLING MY FAMILY STORIES.
AND NOW I'M OLD AND THE HELICOPTER PARENT KIDS CAME.
>> Stephen: WE WERE LEFT ALONE, WE WERE LEFT ALONE.
>> YOU KNOW THE GUYS NOW, THEY HAVE CUPCAKES AND KITTENS ON
THEIR SHIRTS.
AND IT ASTOWNDZ ME.
I WAS LIKE IF I WORE ANYTHING REMOTE LIKELY THAT I WOULD GET
THE LIVING HELL BEATEN OUT OF ME.
HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT, ON THE SUBWAY, WEARING THAT?
IT BLOWS MY MIND.
IT WASN'T THAT THEY WEREN'T LAUGHING.
THEY WERE FEELING BAD FOR ME.
AND I HAD TO LOOK AT THE CROWD AND GO, "I DESERVED THE BEATING.
I DESERVED IT!" SEE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP I WANT TO SHOW THE PEOPLE.
THIS IS-- YOU ARE IN YOUR OWN SHOW.
YOU'RE THE DAD IN THIS?
>> YES, I PLAY FRANK MURPHY, WHO IS AN AMALGUM OF EVERYBODY'S DAD
IN THE WRITERS' ROOM.
AND THIS IS KIND OF BASICALLY WHAT DADS USED TO BE LIKE.
WHEN I WAS GROWING YOU, YOU WERE AFRAID OF YOUR DAD.
HE CAME HOME, HE CAME IN THE FRONT DOOR AND YOU WENT OUT THE
BACK.
YOU REMEMBERED STAYING IN THE WOODS UNTIL HE LEFT.
>> Stephen: WE SHOULD PROBABLY SHOW THE CLIP.
>> HEY, MR., ARE YOU A PERVERT?
>> NO.
>> THEN WHY ARE YOU STAND ACT THAT LADY THROUGH THAT WINDOW
LIKE ONE?
>> THAT'S MY WIFE IN THERE.
>> HOW COME YOU'RE NOT AT WORK?
>> HOW COME YOU'RE NOT LEAVE MEEG THE (BLEEP) ALONE.
>> I'M GOING TO TELL MY DAD YOU SWORE AT ME, HE'S A COP.
>> THEN HE CAN SOLVE YOUR MURDER.
>> YOU HAVE TO STOP SWEARING AT OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN.
>> HEY, GO PLAY WITH YOUR FATHER'S GUN!
>> FRANK!
>> I DIDN'T SWEAR!
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
THANK YOU, I HAD A GOOD TIME.
>> Stephen: "F IS FOR FAMILY" SEASON 2 IS SONETFLIX RIGHT NOW.
BILL BURR, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY FLEET FOXES.

Bill Burr Blames Candy Stores For Making Everyone Sensitive

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