Guess Who's Comey To Dinner?

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAPPY ST. COMEY'S DAY, EVERYBODY!
OF COURSE, EVERYBODY CELEBRATES COMEY DAY IF THEIR OWN WAY.
WE'RE KIND OF TRADITIONALISTS AROUND HERE.
WE WATCHED TV AND WROTE JOKES.
EVERYBODY WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE FORMER F.B.I. DIRECTOR
TESTIFYING ABOUT ALL THE JUICY DETAILS OF HIS MEETINGS WITH
DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE, REMEMBER, COMEY WROTE EVERYTHING DOWN.
AND ALL HIS MEMOS ARE GOING TO BE COLLECTED IN HIS NEW
CHILDREN'S BOOK: "JAMES AND THE GUILTY ORANGE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEART WARMING.
A LOST MASTERPIECE.
( PIANO RIFF ) TIM BURTON'S GOING TO MAKE A
MOVIE OF IT.
AND NOW, YOUR FORMER F.B.I.
DIRECTOR, STANDING SIX FOOT EIGHT, OUT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF
CHICAGO, AND OUT OF A JOB, JAMES COMEY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OF COURSE, IT WAS IMPORTANT
TESTIMONY.
SO THEY HAD TO SWEAR HIM IN.
>> PLEASE STAND.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: AGAIN, HE'S LIKE
SIX-EIGHT.
LET'S GO BACK UP HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) COMEY -- COMEY -- SORRY.
MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
MY EYES ARE UP HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) COMEY OPENED BY TALKING ABOUT
WHY HE THINKS HE LOST HIS JOB.
>> WHEN I WAS APPOINTED F.B.I.
DIRECTOR IN 2013, I UNDERSTOOD THAT I SERVED AT THE PLEASURE
OF THE PRESIDENT.
>> STEPHEN: "AND THEN WHEN I READ THE RUSSIA DOSSIER, AND
SAW WHAT GAVE THE PRESIDENT PLEASURE, I THOUGHT: OH, NO."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M A DIG-DIG-DIG-DIG---
ALLEGEDLY.
SO, COMEY UNDERSTOOD TRUMP HAD THE RIGHT TO FIRE HIM, BUT HE
DIDN'T BUY THE OFFICIAL EXPLANATION THAT IT WAS HOW HE
TREATED CANDIDATE HILLARY CLINTON.
>> THAT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME FOR A WHOLE BUNCH OF REASONS,
INCLUDING THE TIME AND ALL THE WATER THAT HAD GONE UNDER THE
BRIDGE SINCE THOSE HARD DECISIONS HAD TO BE MADE.
>> STEPHEN: I REMEMBER THAT BRIDGE.
I THINK IT'S THE ONE HE THREW HILLARY OFF TO SEE IF SHE WAS A
WITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) AND REMEMBER, SHE HIT THE WATER,
SHE LOST THE ELECTION, SO THAT MEANS --
>> WITCH!
A WITCH!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THAT'S OUR SUPREME COURT IN ACTION.
( LAUGHTER ) AND COMEY WASN'T THAT UPSET WHEN
HE LOST HIS JOB, BUT HE DIDN'T LIKE IT WHEN TRUMP WENT AFTER
HIS TRUE LOVE.
>> AND ALTHOUGH THE LAW REQUIRED NO REASON AT ALL TO FIRE AN
F.B.I. DIRECTOR, THE ADMINISTRATION THEN CHOSE TO
DEFAME ME, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, THE F.B.I., BY SAYING THAT THE
ORGANIZATION WAS IN DISARRAY, THAT IT WAS POORLY LED, THAT THE
WORKFORCE HAD LOST CONFIDENCE IN ITS LEADER.
THOSE WERE LIES, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
>> STEPHEN: THAT WOULD BE A TRUMP FAMILY LAW FIRM: "LIES,
PLAIN, AND SIMPLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LIES, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.
AND THAT'S ONE OF THE BIGGEST BOMBSHELLS TODAY-- COMEY FLAT
OUT SAYING THE PRESIDENT LIED.
IN FACT, COMEY SAID THIS WHEN ASKED WHY HE TOOK SUCH DETAILED
NOTES: >> A COMBINATION OF THINGS.
I THINK THE CIRCUMSTANCES, THE SUBJECT MATTER, AND THE PERSON I
WAS INTERACTING WITH.
>> STEPHEN: SO THE ONLY THINGS THAT RAISED RED FLAGS ABOUT HIS
MEETINGS WITH TRUMP WERE: WHERE, WHY, WHAT, AND WHO.
WHEN WAS FINE.
ANYTHING SPECIFIC ABOUT THE PERSON YOU WERE INTERACTING
WITH?
AND PLEASE BE HONEST.
>> I WAS HONESTLY CONCERNED THAT HE MIGHT LIE ABOUT THE NATURE OF
OUR MEETING.
>> STEPHEN: HE THOUGHT TRUMP MIGHT LIE?
THAT'S THAT RAZOR-SHARP F.B.I.
INSTINCT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
FELLAS, LOOK -- LOOK, FELLAS -- I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OVER MY
SKIS HERE, BUT I THINK THIS DEAD BODY MIGHT NOT BE ALIVE.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, WITH AN ACCUSATION
LIKE THAT, YOU CAN'T GET THAT GO UNANSWERED.
ANYTHING FROM THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> I CAN DEFINITIVELY SAY THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A LIAR.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
OKAY.
BUT THAT'S SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS.
DOES THE PRESIDENT HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY?
>> I'M NOT A CROOK.
>> Stephen: OH WOW.
OKAY, GOOD.
GOOD.
I'VE GOT TO SAY, HE LOOKS GOOD.
TRUMP LOOKS REALLY GOOD THERE.
HE'S LOST WEIGHT, AND MAKE UP.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THIS WHOLE THING,
INCLUDING HIS FIRING, IS REALLY ALL ABOUT RUSSIAN INTERFERENCE
IN THE ELECTION.
THE PRESIDENT HAS CALLED THIS WHOLE THING FAKE NEWS.
WHAT SAY YOU?
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT WAS
BEHIND THE INTRUSIONS, AND THE D.N.C. AND THE D.C.C.C. SYSTEMS
AND THE SUBSEQUENT LEAKS OF THAT.
INFORMATION?
>> NO, NO DOUBT.
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY DOUBT THAT OFFICIALS OF THE RUSSIAN
GOVERNMENT WERE FULLY AWARE OF THESE ACTIVITIES?
>> NO DOUBT.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE '90S SKA-PUNK BAND?
>> NO DOUBT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, YEAH.
PRETTY GOOD.
I GO WITH THAT.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT OR SUBLIME.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, SEEMS CLEAR ENOUGH.
BUT IS THERE ANY METAPHORICAL WAY YOU COULD EXPLAIN YOUR LACK
OF DOUBT?
>> THERE SHOULD BE NO FUZZ ON THIS WHATSOEVER.
THE RUSSIANS INTERFERED IN OUR ELECTION DURING THE 2016 CYCLE.
THEY DID IT WITH PURPOSE.
THEY DID IT WITH SOPHISTICATION.
THEY DID WITH OVERWHELMING TECHNICAL EFFORTS AND IT WAS AN
ACTIVE MEASURES CAMPAIGN DRIVEN FROM THE TOP OF THAT GOVERNMENT.
THERE IS NO FUZZ ON THAT.
>> STEPHEN: THERE IT IS.
THE RUSSIANS HACKED US, AND THE ONLY WAY THERE COULD BE LESS
FUZZ ON IT IS IF THE BRAZILIANS HACKED US.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND COMEY USED A METAPHOR TO
EXPLAIN HIS REFUSAL TO ENTER WHAT HE CALLED "A PATRONAGE
RELATIONSHIP" WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> THE STATUE OF JUSTICE HAS A BLINDFOLD ON, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE PEEKING OUT TO SEE WHETHER OR NOT YOUR PATRON
IS PLEASED OR NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
>> STEPHEN: TO BE FAIR, YOU KNOW TRUMP NEVER LOOKED ABOVE HER
NECK.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: AND THE SENATORS
DID NOT HOLD BACK WITH THEIR INQUIRY.
>> HERE'S THE QUESTION: YOU'RE BIG, YOU'RE STRONG.
>> STEPHEN: "CAN YOU OPEN THIS JAR OF RASPBERRY PRESERVES.
FOR ME?" ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEN COMEY DROPPED A BOMBSHELL: HE SHARED HIS OWN MEMOS WITH THE
PRESS.
>> AND FINALLY, DID YOU SHOW COPIES OF YOUR MEMOS TO ANYONE
OUTSIDE OF THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE?
>> YES.
I ASKED A FRIEND OF MINE TO SHARE THE CONTENT OF THE MEMO
WITH A REPORTER.
DIDN'T DO IT MYSELF FOR A VARIETY OF REASONS.
I WAS WORRIED, THE MEDIA WAS CAMPING AT THE END OF MY
DRIVEWAY AT THAT POINT.
I WORRIED IT WOULD BE LIKE FEEDING SEAGULLS AT THE BEACH IF
IT WAS I GAVE IT TO THE MEDIA.
>> STEPHEN: KIND OF INSULTING TO THE MEDIA.
THAT THEY WOULD NEVER STOP COMING BACK IF YOU GAVE THEM
THIS THING.
DO THEY HAVE A RESPONSE?
>> MINE, MINE, MINE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, THEY
SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON COMEY'S ONE-ON-ONE DINNER WITH TRUMP.
HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT AGAIN?
>> HE WANTED TO HAVE DINNER BECAUSE HE WANTED TO STAY ON.
I THINK HE ASKED FOR THE DINNER.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY.
DIRECTOR COMEY, IS THAT HOW YOU REMEMBER IT?
>> NO, HE CALLED ME AT MY DESK AT LUNCH TIME AND ASKED ME, WAS
I FREE FOR DINNER THAT NIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY DETAILS?
>> AND THEN HE SAID, "HOW ABOUT 6:30."
AND I SAID, "WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU, SIR."
AND THEN I HUNG UP AND HAD TO CALL MY WIFE AND BREAK A DATE
WITH HER.
I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE HER OUT TO DINNER THAT NIGHT, AND--
>> THAT'S ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREAT EXCUSES FOR BREAKING A
DATE-- >> YEAH.
IN RETROSPECT, I LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH MY WIFE AND I WISH I
HAD BEEN THERE THAT NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: ON THE PLUS SIDE, IF
YOU HADN'T GONE TO DINNER WITH HIM THAT NIGHT, YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO SPEND WITH YOUR WIFE NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
SO, SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR WIFE.
SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR WIFE.
I APPLAUD FOR THAT.
THE WHOLE THING CONCLUDED WITH JOHN MCCAIN WHO PROVED HE'S A
MAVERICK WHEN IT COMES TO BEING ABLE TO UNDERSTAND HIM.
>> I THINK THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE A WHOLE LOT OF
QUESTIONS OUT THERE, PARTICULARLY SINCE YOU JUST
EMPHASIZED THE ROLE THAT RUSSIA PLAYED.
AND OBVIOUSLY, SHE WAS A CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT AT THE
TIME, SO SHE WAS CLEARLY INVOLVED IN THIS WHOLE SITUATION
WHERE FAKE NEWS, AS YOU JUST DESCRIBED IT: "BIG DEAL," TOOK
PLACE.
IN OTHER WORDS, WE'RE COMPLETE.
THE INVESTIGATION OF ANYTHING THAT FORMER SECRETARY CLINTON
HAD TO DO WITH THE CAMPAIGN IS OVER, AND WE DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT IT ANY MORE?
>> WITH RESPECT TO SEC-- I'M NOT-- I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED,
SENATOR. ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: NOT AS MUCH AS HE IS.

Guess Who's Comey To Dinner?

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